Jed Mosely: [on TV] Whoa, whoa, whoa. My wiener.
Marshall: I can't believe Jed made us promise not to watch this.
Robin: You mean Ted?
Marshall: Whatever, same guy.

Ted: See, I would have expected you to have a special suit just for this occasion.
Barney: Oh, I did. I had my boy Timmy G. make the perfect wedding suit. Ever heard of "bespoke"? This suit was "be-freaking-screamed." But then I tried it on this morning, it was uncomfortable, itchy and wrong. It was like a suit made for someone with terrible posture, no taste and limited funds. Here, you take it.

Ted: Uh, how about this one?
Barney: Oh, man. I went crazy on an escort in that one.
Ted: Barney, come on.
Barney: A Ford Escort, Ted. I did it on a car. With a woman who I then may or may not have paid, that one's out too.

Lily: Okay, so your wedding's in a few hours. Kind of strange to spend those hours watching a terrible movie, right?
Robin: Terrible? Lily, this movie is a revelation. I can't believe Ted wouldn't let us see it.
Marshall: Yeah, why was he hanging so much beef on this movie? Just because there's a character based on him?
Jed Mosely: [on TV] Of course, I'll make all weddings illegal. Then Stella can never be a wedding bride. [laughs maniacally] Ooh. No-can-l-do's-ville, baby doll.
Marshall: It's like, relax, Ted. It's no big deal. You should be flattered.
[movie scene on TV:]
Jed Mosely: And now to celebrate with that piece of chocolate cake I've been saving. What? Who ate my cake?
Narshall: Uh, what cake?
Jed Mosely: Narshall!
[reality:]
Marshall: "Narshall"? "Narshall." How dare they? That is insulting and ridiculous and I am nothing like that character. I'm gonna sue everyone involved with this film.
Robin: So you're gonna sue them on the grounds that nothing like that cake thing ever happened?
Marshall: If Ted didn't want me to eat it, he should've put a note on it.

Barney: It feels weird.
Ted: That's because it's new. It's a suit that's never been worn before. A suit you never dreamed you'd wear. All of this suit's memories are still ahead of it. Look, picture it: The ceremony.
Barney: When everyone stands up for me?
Ted: They do that for her.
Barney: They should. She's gonna look amazing. You better believe it.
Ted: She walks down the aisle. You say your vows. You go to the reception. You have your first dance. And before you know it, just like magic, you realize... ...it's a perfect fit.
Barney: You're right, Ted. This is the one. Thanks. So... belts.

Marshall: Hey, you know what, maybe the groomsmen should go get some food. I don't want Ted to have to sit through this movie.
Ted: Oh, I appreciate that, Narshall.
Marshall: Really? Aw, damn it.
Ted: Sorry, I saw it on a plane.
Marshall: So this is gonna be, like, a thing now?
Barney: Yeah, it's gonna be a thing now, Narshall. Right, Narshall?
Ted: Dude, settle down, Swarley.
Marshall: Yeah, Swarlize Theron, take it easy.
Barney: Man, this was supposed to be my special day.

[the year 2024:]
Ted: So I've told you all my stories.
The Mother: I'm afraid so. But luckily, I have plenty of stories that you don't know yet. Like where my college roommates and I went to a male strip club...
Ted: And your friend Dongnose got smacked on the nose with a dong? I know that one.
The Mother: Okay. What about the story that explains how...?
Ted: Dongnose got her nickname and that it had nothing to do with the dong-smacking incident? Heard it, loved it, called it the greatest coincidence of the 21st century.
The Mother: Wow. You know every one of my stories.
Ted: And you know every one of mine. I guess it's official. We're an old married couple.
The Mother: Nice.
Ted: We did it.

[the year 2024:]
Curtis: Well, well, if it isn't the Mosbys.
Both: Hi.
Curtis: Here for a romantic weekend away from the kids. It's a good thing there's no guests on either side of you because those bed springs are gonna squeak like mice in a cheese factory. Am I right? Ha, ha. Just don't break any lamps like your friends Barney and Robin, okay?
Ted: That's not how the lamp broke.
Curtis: Of course not. Alright, you have fun, you two.

[the year 2024:]
The Mother: Uh, what lamp is this?
Ted: The lamp Robin broke the day of the wedding. Oh, my God, you don't know this one. Oh, man. This is a good one. I mean, it's got everything: Intrigue, betrayal, lamps. It is a ripping yarn, so buckle your seat belt...
The Mother: Just tell the story.
Ted: Okay, here goes. Robin broke a lamp.

Lily: Okay, this has to stop.
Robin: Come on, we're just having fun. It has been a long weekend. This is how I relax.
Katie: Really? This is how you relax? By not getting a single shot past me the entire morning? You suck, Scherbatsky. You shoot like my grandma.
Robin: Okay, Scherbatsky, you just poked the dragon. Here comes the bride.