Lily: Oh, my God. He's meeting her right now.
[the gang follow after Barney in a taxi:]
Marshall: Where is Barney going?
Ted: Yeah, we're not even in Manhattan anymore. Where's this girl live?
Robin: We're talking about a woman who's gotten Barney Stinson to commit. I'm guessing Narnia.

Ted: Okay, I just figured out where I know you from. I saw you perform at the Disorientation Theater in Bertolt Brecht's Die Heilige Johanna der Schlachthofe fall. You were a revelation!
Margaret: Really?
Ted: Yeah.
Margaret: Thanks. I wasn't sure. I mean, the point of Brecht's work, of course, is to...
Both: Alienate the audience.
Ted: Sure. Sorry. Brecht-o-phile right here!

Grant: At least someone's still excited about acting. I miss that.
Robin: So, you don't like playing Barney's son?
Grant: I hate it. But what can I do? The phone just ain't ringing.
Robin: Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm a newscaster. But I just had to take a job hosting a local morning show that airs at 4:30 in the morning. I just thought I'd be so much further along by this point, you know? I'm almost 30.
Grant: Oh, come on, you still look great. I love your nose job.
Robin: I never had a nose job.
Grant: Right. Me neither.

Loretta: Two minute warning for meatloaf!
Grant: Meatloaf? Tyler no likey!
Barney: Grant, we have been over this a million times! You are not getting a catchphrase!
Grant: But it's funny.
Barney: Grant, I am not afraid to recast. Now go memorize your lines for the big dinner scene.

Robin: Wait. So you wrote the dinner we're about to have?
Barney: Yeah, yeah. Just a short script. Just things that will make my mom happy to hear.
Robin: What kind of things?
[fastforward to dinner:]
Margaret: And I really thought Barney had forgotten our anniversary. So I storm out to the backyard, and there's smoke coming out of my ears.
Barney: Nostrils flaring. Her nostrils flare when she gets mad. I love it. Oh, doing it right now. Doing it right now!
Margaret: You better stop, mister!
Barney: Okay, okay. Sorry, sorry, boo bear. Continue. [to Ted] This is what you're actually like in a relationship.

Margaret: So I storm out to the backyard and... candles everywhere! And a string quartet. Can you believe that?
Lily: No, not even slightly.
Loretta: What about my little Ty-Ty? What have you been up to?
Barney: Funny story: just the other night, this little rascal had a nightmare. And when he came in to tell us what it was about, do you remember what you said, champ?
Grant: Uh...
Barney: [coughing] Page four.
Grant: Uh... The dinosaur bones in the museum came to life and started chasing me?
Marshall: Thanks a lot, buddy. I didn't need to sleep tonight.
Barney: No, Tyler said, "My nightmare was "that you and Mommy didn't know how much I loved you. So I wanted to come in and tell you it was this much."
Loretta: Aw, that's so sweet.
Barney: We're a sweet happy family.

[As Loretta, Grant, Barney and the gang go into the kitchen, they find Ted making out with Margaret:]
Loretta: Oh, my God!
Grant: Tyler no likey.
Barney: You're not getting a catchphrase.

Loretta: I don't understand.
Barney: I do. [whispers to Ted] Follow my lead. [normally] I've... been betrayed by my best friend. How could you do this, Ted? Think about poor Tyler bravely trying to hold back tears. It's okay, son, you can cry. Cry!
Grant: [sobs] I don't want my mommy and daddy to get divorced!
Barney: Wow.

Barney: So really, really, you're not mad?
Loretta: No, I'm just confused. I don't know why you thought you had to do this. Barney, I love you, perfect family or no perfect family. I love you no matter what.
Barney: Really?
Loretta: Really.
Barney: I am so relieved because the truth is I am as far from married as a human being can possibly be. My history with women would shock and appall you.
Loretta: Doesn't matter. I still love you.
Barney: Seriously, you can't imagine the things I have done.
Loretta: Barney, when you were three, I left you with a babysitter and spent three weeks with Grand Funk Railroad being passed around like a bong.
Barney: Mommy!
Loretta: Just do me a favor. If you ever do meet someone special, don't run away from it. Don't be me. Take a shot at it, will you?
Robin: Hey, Barney. Cab's here.
Barney: I'll try.

Lily: Barney check it: Three blonde babies drinking bad decision juice at 8:00.
Marshall: Ooh, nice rack radar. That's my wife.
Barney: No, I got to get going.
Lily: Seriously? But they're blonde and drunk. Isn't that your type?
Barney: Maybe I don't have a type, Lily. God, do you think the male mind is really that simplistic, that we all have one favorite type? Geez. [to Ted and Marshall] Asian with some boob. I'm gonna hit the bathroom, then bail.