Ted: Okay, so red indicates level of attractiveness, blue: intellectual stimulation, green: emotional connection, yellow: compatibility of life goals, and purple: whether or not she reached for the check.
Lily: Well, it looks like Jessica's ahead in the first four categories.
Ted: [sighs heavily] Did not reach for the check...

Robin: Oh, this? [wry laugh] No big deal. This... This cost three months rent, and, uh, I've never gotten to wear it, because I bought it for that big event that you invited me to, which then fell through. But, you know what? Don't feel guilty about that.
Ted: What big event?
Robin: That thing with your uncle.
Ted: His funeral? It didn't fall through, he miraculously came out of a coma.
Robin: And I forgive you. Now, can I please meet Lenny Kravitz?

Marshall: [slurred] I did it again!
Lily: Aw, honey. You got drunk again. I can't believe I took the over.
Marshall: Just to be clear, "I did it again" is not a reference... to my current state of inebriation.
Lily: What's it a reference to?
[video:]
Marshall: My name is Marshall Eriksen. I'm 33 years old. And if my potential future employer, Garrison Cootes, is watching this... bow down to Beercules!
[back:]
Lily: Well, that could be anybody.

Lily: [leaving a message] Pete, this is Lily Aldrin. I'm gonna make this real simple: You're gonna take down that video of Marshall. You know why? Because I'm friends with three girls who dated you in college, and girls tell each other everything. Every tiny detail. Huh. So... tick-tock, Pete, tick-tock goes the little wee-wee clock.
Ted: Pete's got a little wee-wee?
Lily: No idea. What's everyone getting?

Marshall: Who am I kidding? I'm not ready to be a dad. I thought that I was, but it's, like... My dad never did stuff
like that, you know?
Lily: So what if he did? You'd still love him. And be honest, wouldn't you love to stumble onto a video of him running down the street naked, yelling, "Hey, Marshall, look at me! I got an icicle on my deal!"

Robin: Barney, what are you doing here?
Barney: Oh, I told Nora I wouldn't leave until she gave me a second date, and I mean it. I've already been here nine hours. [to the waitress] Eh, I still need another minute.

Marshall: This is good. I want our kid to see every side of who I am.
Lily: Yeah. Even the side that runs through the East Village hangin' brain.
Marshall: I'm gonna call Pete back.
Lily: That's a good idea.

Robin: Thanks again for taking me to this.
Ted: Mm. My pleasure. And, you know, you might find it interesting. Some of these guys represent the living history of New York-
Robin: Yeah, yeah. Where's Lenny Kravitz?
Ted: Right there. Leonard Kravitz, world-renowned architect. Guy's a rock star. He's gonna be giving his famous 90-minute lecture on crossbeams.
Robin: Well, great. I'm gonna go find one and hang myself from it.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, you can't talk yourself into falling in love. It doesn't take days of deliberation. When it's real, you know pretty quickly, and with absolute certainty. I had forgotten that. But I was about to be reminded.

Marshall: If I don't get this job, I might end up working at, like, a Taco Bell somewhere. And nobody wants that. Or maybe you guys want that, because you'll get free tacos, 'cause your my peeps. But right now I need all of you to calm down!