Future Ted: [v.o.] The next night, Barney met Nora for coffee. Thankfully, without the ridiculous leg cast.
Barney: Hey, Nora, thanks for meeting me here.
Nora: What happened to your neck?
Barney: My wha...? Oh, it's nothing. I was performing in a one-man show of Fiddler. There was this roof.
Nora: Wow, that one has fantastic ta-tas.
Barney: [turns around] What, where? Oh... Oh, damn it.
Nora: Ta-ta.

Barney: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Nora: What is the matter with you? What kind of person needs to lie like that.
Barney: A person who really, really likes you. And suspects, probably accurately, that you're way out of his league, and so he feels the need to... I'm sorry, you were kidding about the fantastic ta-tas, right? 'Cause I'm looking around and I do not see 'em...
Nora: [groans, leaves]

Lily: Wait a minute. You're going to date two girls at once? Don't you think you should just choose one before it gets serious?
Ted: Define serious.
Lily: Well, that's complicated. I guess you have to weigh expectations, emotional investments...
Marshall: Third base. Seriously, third base.
Ted: So I can go to second base with both of these girls, no problem?
Marshall: Oh, honk away, my friend. Yeah, honk away.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Ever since Mr. Cootes mentioned the background check, Marshall had been scouring the Internet. Most of what he found was pretty harmless. In some cases, really awesome, until...
Marshall: Not good. This- This is not good.
[video:]
Reporter: Thanks, Stacy. Wesleyan has a new cafeteria, thanks to the generous endowment from--
Marshall: [naked] Oh, ho-ho! Did somebody say generous endowment? I'm Marshall Eriksen, but you can call me Beercules! [growling and laughing]
[back:]
Lily: Well, that could be anybody.

Nora: Let me make one thing very clear to you. I don't date guys who lie to me.
Barney: Well, see, I did not know that. My bad. So, from here on in, no more lies. I will never lie to you again. I'm serious. Ask me anything.
Nora: Okay. Have you ever successfully gotten a woman in bed by lying to her?
Barney: Have I ever... If I'm being totally honest... Yes.
Nora: More than once?
Barney: More than once... Wow, that's... [clicking tongue] I guess if we're splitting hairs, then, technically... there was a plurality to the times I've lied to women for sex having purposes.
Nora: What were they?
Barney: Nines and tens mostly. There was a four once. She was a slump buster. But, Nora, after that, I had a run that you would not believe. Man, honesty feels good.
Nora: What were the lies?
Barney: You want me to tell you every lie I've ever told a woman to get her into bed?
Nora: A bed or any other place you had sex with her.
Barney: Oh, you're good.

Ted: I can't decide. They're both awesome.
Robin: If only architects had two balls, right, Ted?

Lily: I got this. [holds her hands out] Ted, left or right?
Ted: Yes, yes, great idea. Let the fates decide, huh? I will pick left.
Lily: [slaps Ted with her left hand] Just call one of 'em.

Robin: Ugh! Ted, deep in your heart, you know that you kind of like one more than the other. Trust me, take the other.

Ted: Um, maybe I haven't been clear: this is the Architects' Ball, Robin. It's a star-studded event.
Robin: Okay, name one celebrity who's gonna be there.
Ted: Uh... Lenny Kravitz.
Robin: Lenny Kravitz is gonna be there?
Ted: Yeah. He's there every year. And that guy's a rock star.
Robin: You know, Ted, I've been thinking, it's too soon to narrow it down between these two girls. Just take a friend. Like I... I don't know, maybe, uh, a friend who had a poster of Lenny Kravitz on her wall, and may or may not have, perhaps, dated that poster, on and off, throughout high school.

Barney: And that concludes all the space-related lies. Let's move on to the world of sports. Oh, wait, sorry. I just thought of another space one. "I've been bitten by a moon snake. You need to suck all the space poison out of my-"
Nora: Okay, Barney, uh, I have to be at work tomorrow at 8:00, which means I have just about enough time to sit in a shower for 11 hours, hugging myself.
Barney: So this was fun. Can I call you, or...?
Nora: Barney, you're funny, handsome and really quite clever. But you're also a sociopath.
Barney: Well, I count three pros and one con, so...
Nora: How do you still think you have a chance with me?
Barney: Because you sat here all night. You could've left right away, but you didn't. Look, Nora, all those lies, that's the old me. But I swear to you, I am trying to change. You... make me want to change.
Nora: How do I know that's not a lie?
Barney: I'll prove it. I will prove how serious I am. I will not leave this diner until I get a second date with you.
Nora: Good-bye, Barney.
Barney: I'm not kidding. This is a 24-hour diner. I'll stay here forever if I have to, and I will! [to the waitress] Just water for me. Thanks.