Judy: [answers phone] Eriksen residence, Judy speaking.
Marshall: Why did you post that judge photo?
Judy: Because I'm guilty... of being one proud mama!
Marshall: Lily doesn't know that I took the job, so if she sees it, I'm dead! Just take it down.
Judy: Fine, let me just get on the online so I can Internet. I love the lingo! [dial-up modem beeps]
Marshall: Just click on the photo on your wall, and then under "Menu," click on "Options."
Judy: Some kind of advertisement popped on. Oh, my. That appears to be pornography.
Marshall: Just click on "Options."
Judy: [whispers] It's men with other men.
Marshall: Just click on "Options."

Marshall: [on the phone] Just click on "Options."
Judy: All I see is a man holding a bratwurst! Oh. No, the pornography's back.

Flight Attendant: I said, please turn off all electronic devices.
Marshall: Oh. Ha-ha-ha. This isn't an electronic device, this is actually a toy. For my son. We call it "Phone-y."
Daphne: Hm. I call you phony.

Robin: Well, I can't wait till tonight. I have got some naughty things planned.
Barney: Well, you've certainly piqued my incest... Interest! Interest!

Lily: I mean, why'd he have to act that way? He knows I hate how he gets on road trips.
The Mother: It almost seems like he wanted you to storm off.
Lily: But we're going to the same place. There's no reason why he'd want to ditch me.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And suddenly, Lily remembered a week ago, I'd helped Robin look for her long-Iost locket, but it was gone. Then Lily told me the locket actually got stashed in my pencil box, but when I opened it, the locket wasn't there.
[flashback to Ted and Lily at MacLaren's:]
Lily: Good, because that locket's trouble.
Ted: How? It's a friendly, innocent wedding gift.
Lily: It's not innocent. Ted, you think if you can get that locket for Robin, you'll win her back.
Ted: Lily, I've let it go. I mean...
Lily: What?
Ted: There's, like, a one-percent chance Stella has the locket from when we lived together.
Lily: Promise me you didn't call the woman who left you at the altar so you could find that locket!
Ted: Of course not! I e-mailed her.
Lily: Ted!
Ted: But Stella's living in L.A. now. And even if she has it, it's buried in some storage unit. She said I'd have to fly out there and look for it myself.
Lily: Promise me you aren't about to do that.
Ted: I promise.
[present:]
Lily: Sumbitch!

Lily: It's a long story, but if we don't beat my friend to that wedding, it's gonna be bad. This is too stressful. I need to see Marvin!
The Mother: No. You made me promise not to let you look because it's only gonna upset you. Here, have another Sum... Bitch.
Lily: No more Sumbitches? [demonic voice] Give me the damn phone!

Marshall: Stop! It can't be done. That photo is etched in eternity. Long after humanity's reign has ended, the only traces of our civilization found by Earth's new ape masters will be the top of the Statue of Liberty and this photo of me pretending to be a judge with a banana gavel.
Security Guard: Well, they'll probably like the banana thing. The ape masters. Sorry.

[As Ted approaches Robin with the gift box, Lily tackles him to the ground]
Robin: Lily! What the hell?
Lily: Ted and I had some road-trip issues.
Robin: Did he put on the gloves?
Lily: Mm-hm.
Robin: The tackle was justified.

Robin: What's this?
Ted: It's for you.
Lily: Don't open it.
Ted: With all the big changes coming up, I just wanted Robin to remember her friends. We all want nothing but happiness for you and Barney. Right, Lily?
Lily: Right.
Robin: Wow. That was what, eight years ago?
Ted: Yeah, eight years.
Robin: Thanks, Ted.

Ted: You're not gonna tackle me again?
Lily: I'm the maid of honor. There's a good chance that won't be my only tackle of the weekend.
Future Ted: [v.o.] It wasn't.