Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.

Robin: Okay, fine, I'll watch it with you.
Barney: Yeah!
Robin: But if either of you makes even one peep about the show being dirty, I'm turning it off. I'm serious.
[on Space Teens:]
Robin Sparkles: Hey Jessica, how's your beaver?
[in the apartment, Ted and Barney spit take]
Jessica Glitter: Great. How's your beaver?
Robin Sparkles: Busy as ever!
[Ted and Barney stifle laughter]
Robin: Our characters had pet beavers.
Ted: [giggles] Sure.
Robin: The beaver is the official animal of Canada. It's our national mascot.
Barney: It's a noble creature.

Robin: Well, I guess you just got to move on. I mean, it's not like you have a shot with Ready McGee over there, right? Ted?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Then I remembered. Cindy had a roommate. A roommate I only caught a glimpse of... But a roommate who, by every indication, was something very special. Was it possible? Could this be the girl attached to that ankle?
Ted: I got to see her ankles.
Robin: You're one of those? God, I swear, one in five guys...

Barney: It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Robin: Me, neither.
Barney: So let me just say this. I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise... I'm done making a fool of myself.
Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
Barney: It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Barney: Badass.
Robin: [smiles] Huh.

Barney: Nora, how you been?
Nora: Fine.
Barney: Look, I don't know why you would possibly say yes to this, but, would you want to grab a cup of coffee with me sometime? 20 minutes. I was such a jerk to you. You can spend the entire time calling me every dirty name in the book.
Nora: I speak four languages. I'm gonna need more than 20 minutes.
Barney: I'll call you. You look beautiful, by the way. And here I thought it was too late for sundresses.
Nora: It's never too late, Barney.
Barney: Challenge accepted.

Robin: There's something I have to tell you.
Kevin: Then don't.
Robin: What?
Kevin: If there's one thing I've learned as a therapist, it's that just because something needs to be told doesn't always mean it needs to be heard.
Robin: Kevin, I did something bad.
Kevin: We've all done bad things. Doesn't mean we're bad people. Look, I don't care about every detail from your past, and I hope you don't care about mine either. What I do care about is you, and that from tonight forward, you're in this as much as I am. What do you think?
Robin: I'm such a mess. Why do you even like me?
Kevin: Come here. I am constantly amazed by the things you say, entranced by the things you do. And unlike a certain Jalapeño Coconut Vodka martini, you're easy on the eyes. And if we're together long enough, I hope that one day you see yourself the way I see you.
Robin: That's a pretty good answer.