How I Met Your Mother Quotes
- Episodes
- Season 1
- Season 2
- Season 3
- Season 4
- Season 5
- Season 6
- Season 7
- Season 8
- Season 9
- 901 The Locket
- 902 Coming Back
- 903 Last Time in New York
- 904 The Broken Code
- 905 The Poker Game
- 906 Knight Vision
- 907 No Questions Asked
- 908 The Lighthouse
- 909 Platonish
- 910 Mom and Dad
- 911 Bedtime Stories
- 912 The Rehearsal Dinner
- 913 Bass Player Wanted
- 914 Slapsgiving 3: Slappointment in Slapmara
- 915 Unpause
- 916 How Your Mother Met Me
- 917 Sunrise
- 918 Rally
- 919 Vesuvius
- 920 Daisy
- 921 Gary Blauman
- 922 The End of the Aisle
- 923 Last Forever
How I Met Your Mother
In 2030, a father tells his children the story of his time in New York City before he met their mother.
Starring:
Josh Radnor, Jason Segel, Cobie Smulders, Neil Patrick Harris, Alyson Hannigan, Bob Saget.
Recurring Actors:
Cristin Milioti, Marshall Manesh, Wayne Brady, Frances Conroy, Chris Elliot, Kyle MacLachlan.
Original Run: 2005-2014.
Quote of the Day
Quote from Lily in Last Words
Marshall: Lily?
[flashback to Lily in their apartment, rushing to the phone with her hands full with grocery bags:]
Lily: [answers] Hello.
Mickey: [o.s.] Lily, it's Dad. Listen, I'm sort of in jail for not paying taxes for the last 25 years But bright side... I thought of a great new board game. "Tax Evasion"... ages six to ten. Which is, ironically, what I might be looking at. Anyway, Pumpkin, I need $15,000.
Lily: Fooled ya. Leave a message after the beep. We'll get back to ya. Beep.
[present:]
[Lily drinks from the flask]
Marshall: Lawyered.
Popular Quotes
Quote from Barney in How I Met Everyone Else
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.
Robin: Okay, fine, I'll watch it with you.
Barney: Yeah!
Robin: But if either of you makes even one peep about the show being dirty, I'm turning it off. I'm serious.
[on Space Teens:]
Robin Sparkles: Hey Jessica, how's your beaver?
[in the apartment, Ted and Barney spit take]
Jessica Glitter: Great. How's your beaver?
Robin Sparkles: Busy as ever!
[Ted and Barney stifle laughter]
Robin: Our characters had pet beavers.
Ted: [giggles] Sure.
Robin: The beaver is the official animal of Canada. It's our national mascot.
Barney: It's a noble creature.
Robin: Well, I guess you just got to move on. I mean, it's not like you have a shot with Ready McGee over there, right? Ted?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Then I remembered. Cindy had a roommate. A roommate I only caught a glimpse of... But a roommate who, by every indication, was something very special. Was it possible? Could this be the girl attached to that ankle?
Ted: I got to see her ankles.
Robin: You're one of those? God, I swear, one in five guys...
Quote Collections
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Suit up is Barney's catchphrase to implore his friends to step up their sartorial game to match his.
16 quotes
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Have you met... is a line the gang use to start conversations with potential mates for their friends. It's most commonly used by wingman Barney to introduce Ted to women.
21 quotes
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“Barney Stinson and The Karate Kid”
Barney Stinson is the only one awesome enough to see that the true hero of the Karate Kid movie is Johnny Lawrence (William Zabka) from the Cobra Kai dojo.
8 quotes
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The story of Robin's time as a teen pop star and actress in Canada. As Robin Sparkles, she was known for songs including "Let's Go to the Mall", "Sandcastles in the Sand", and "P.S. I Love You". She also starred in a children's show, "Space Teens", with Alan Thicke.
21 quotes
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All the times Robin got angry at her colleague Patrice. "Sisters fight, Ted!"
12 quotes
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A collection of quotes featuring Barney Stinson's most notable catchphrase, "Legendary!"
27 quotes
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Wait for it is one of Barney's many catchphrases, often interjected into "Legendary". At Barney's suggestion, Marshall and Lily's son, Marvin, has the middle name "Wait-for-it".
16 quotes
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“Barney Stinson: Challenge Accepted”
All the times Barney Stinson accepted a ridiculous challenge, usually one which he himself proposed.
18 quotes
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“Songs of How I Met Your Mother”
A collection of quotes featuring musical moments from How I Met Your Mother.
17 quotes
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The totally true stories of Barney Stinson.
14 quotes
Trending Quotes
Quote from Barney in Twelve Horny Women
Barney: It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Robin: Me, neither.
Barney: So let me just say this. I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise... I'm done making a fool of myself.
Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
Barney: It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Barney: Badass.
Robin: [smiles] Huh.
Quote from Barney in No Questions Asked
Lily: What is going on? Barney, what are you doing in there?
Barney: Uh, well, there is a story there. It involves a trained Guatemalan kinkajou, a Bolshoi Ballet prima ballerina, and Olympic gold medalist, Duke Kahanamoku's surfboard. Tell her, Ted.
Ted: Uh, uh, uh...
Barney: The kinkajou...
Ted: The kinkajou...
Quote from Robin in Old King Clancy
Lily: I'm going to read it. Here we go. "The Frozen Snowshoe, Old King Clancy, Harvey's trays."
Robin: Right?
Lily: I don't know what any of those words mean.
Barney: Is one of those supposed to be a celebrity?
Marshall: Yeah, who the hell is Old King Clancy?
Robin: No, that's not the person, that's the sex act. It's the same as a Sacramento Turtleneck, except with maple syrup.
Marshall: So the celebrity was Harvey Strays?
Robin: No, that's what he collected. Harvey's trays. Yeah, those classic orange trays you get whenever you eat at Harvey's? The restaurant? Oh, come on, you're road tripping down the Trans-Canada Highway, you get a hunger on between Milverton and Wawa, where you gonna strap on a feed bag, huh? Harvey's. Over 12,000 served!
Lily: So the celebrity was...
Robin: The Frozen Snowshoe. Oh, my God! You guys have never heard of The Frozen Snowshoe? He's only the most famous professional wrestler in Canada. I met him after he defeated Reckless Rick Rogers in the Kamloops Memorial Arena back in '02. Classic match.
Lily: So you're saying The Frozen Snowshoe invited you back to his place to look at Harvey's trays, and asked you to do an Old King Clancy?
Robin: Exactly. And I'm serious, you cannot tell anyone.