Marshall: Lily!
Lily: Hey, you know the rules. You misbehave, I take away one of your toys. Aldrin Justice, baby.
Marshall: So you're telling me that that ashtray that's been in our apartment for over a year and a half is not only stolen, but also very expensive.
Lily: Both of those things, yes.

Ted: [on the phone] Uh, Captain, can... can I put you on hold?
The Captain: Affirmative.
Ted: He wants Robin's number. Should I give it to him?
Barney: Is he trying to hook up with my fiance? No, uh-uh. The only way that's happening is if I get to hook up with someone, too. Wait a second... No. Unless... Absolutely not. However... Forget it. On the other hand... Ixnay! [slaps himself]

Robin: So he invited me back to his bedroom to show me this painting, and...
[flashback to The Captain waiting on his bed:]
The Captain: Finally. We're alone.
[present:]
Barney: Robin, no, I don't want to picture that.
Robin: Nothing happened.
Barney: Aw, that means hand stuff.
Robin: What? No. I'm serious. He was on the rebound. I told him to take some time to pull himself together and call me in a year and a half.
Barney: Ah, great. What if he asks you out? What does that mean for our relationship? What, are we planning to be in some super-enlightened, forward-thinking marriage, where we don't get hung up on the suffocating and outdated principles of monogamy, and instead enjoy the company of multiple partners, sometimes bringing said partners into our marital bed, but just girls, not dudes, except maybe one time just to see what that's like? I mean, is that what you want?
Robin: No.
Barney: Okay. Me, neither!

Ted: You know what, Barney? Now that I think about it, you were there.
Robin: That's right, you were.
Barney: I was?
Robin: Yeah.
Barney: I mean, I know I was. That's what I'm saying, guys.
Ted: We just... We just didn't realize it because you were in disguise.
Robin: Yeah, you were doing one of your plays from the playbook.
Ted: On Shelly, the art consultant.
Robin: Yes, it was some play that had to do with art...
Barney: The Royal Archduke of Grand Fenwick? A simple play you can do using two everyday household objects: a Prussian military costume and an oil painting of yourself?
Robin: That's the one, and it worked on Shelly.
Barney: I totally nailed her! And then I nailed her sister who was even hotter. [high fives Ted] Oh, good times.

Marshall: You are gonna return that ashtray, and you're gonna pray that he doesn't press charges, because I can't be in a marriage where one of us is in prison. I know that we role-play conjugal visits a lot, but I can't do that for realsies.
Lily: I'm sorry. All rulings are final. I am not taking it back.
Marshall: Oh, my God! Lily, what is the big deal? Okay, so what? So he said you're just a kindergarten teacher. Why do you let that bother you?
Lily: Because he was right. I am just a kindergarten teacher. And, yes, I have a degree in art history and I was
meant to do something with it, but I didn't. Somewhere along the line, I forgot to pursue my dream, and... and now I'm old and I'm a mom and it's just too late for me.

Marshall: Lily, okay, okay.
Lily: It's too late.
Marshall: No, no, no, it's not too... It's not too late. You're gonna quit your job tomorrow, and you're gonna... You're
gonna go back and pick up right where you left off with that art stuff. And then you know what? I'm gonna find Shelly, and I'm gonna punch her in the face. I am. I'm gonna punch a girl, and run away. Look. I promise you, your best and your most exciting days are all ahead of you.
Lily: I love you so much for saying that, but there gets to be a point in life where that just stops being true. I'm sorry I stole this. I'll return it first thing tomorrow.

Ted: Yeah, and I think I know why. It has to do with the last time I saw him. It was... it was, like, a year and a half ago. Oh, boy, that was a crazy story.
Barney: Oh, boy, yeah. I remember.
Ted: You weren't there.
Barney: Ted, bubbeleh. If you have a crazy story, I was there. That's just a law of the universe.

[flashback to Ted and Becky in the apartment:]
Becky: [on TV commercial] Boats, boats, boats! Boats!
Ted: What's this a commercial for again? I can't quite...
Barney: Oh, get a room, you two.
[present:]
Ted: You weren't there.
Barney: I was, too.
Ted: All right, you were there? Tell me the story.
Barney: I like the way you tell it.
Ted: Please, I insist.
Barney: Okay, we'll tell it together.
Ted: Okay. Lily...
Barney: Lily...
Ted: had invited us...
Barney: had invited us...
Ted: to an art...
Barney: Garfunkel concert.
Ted: gallery opening.
Barney: An Art Garfunkel gallery opening concert. Go on, Ted. You're doing great.

The Captain: Well, well, Ted Mosby, my old nemesis. What are you doing here?
Ted: Um, well... Lily saw an ad for this...
The Captain: Gallery?
Ted: So we... we came to check out the...
The Captain: Artwork.
Ted: And then we ran into...
The Captain: Me.
Ted: [inner monologue] Man, this guy's so rude. I mean, I get why he's mad. I did stick it to his ex-wife... repeatedly. Still, he's being a jerk. Someone needs to bring him down a peg.
The Captain: I'm sorry. Where are my...
Ted: Manners. That's how that feels.

[flashback to stoned Ted at the art gallery:]
The Captain: Well, well. Ted Mosby, my old nemesis. What are you doing here?
Ted: Well, Lily... saw an ad for this... [confused silence]
The Captain: Gallery.
Ted: So we thought we'd... come and check out the... [confused silence]
The Captain: Artwork?
Ted: And then we ran into...
The Captain: Me?
Robin: [v.o.] And the Captain wasn't glaring at you. He couldn't take his eyes off...
The Captain: Hey, nice to see you again.
Robin: Yeah, you, too.
Ted: [out loud] Oh. Man, this guy is so rude. I mean, I get why he's upset. I did stick it to his ex-wife... repeatedly. Still, the guy's being a jerk. Someone needs to take him down a peg.