Marshall: Okay, Robin, look, you-you need to call the Captain and let him down easy, okay? Let him move on with his life. Let him go out on his boat with his old friends, maybe some new friends. Maybe let one of those new friends steer the boat. Just so that one of them could say, "Iceberg straighthead!"

Lily: It finally happened. My past finally caught up with me.
Marshall: Oh, God. Lily, if you tell me that you slept with the Captain for anything under 2.8, which we agreed was as low as we were going to go...
Lily: No, it's nothing like that. Do you guys remember the last time we saw the Captain?
All: Yes.
Lily: Oh, right. Of course you don't. Barney, you weren't there. Ted, you had just floated out of a Snoop Dogg B-side. And, Robin, you had just come from that big meeting that ran long.
[flashback to Robin pounding shots]

Marshall: Oh, no, Lily, what did you do?
Lily: He was a jerk. He deserved to have that precious painting stolen.
Marshall: Oh, God, Lily, you didn't...?
Lily: Of course I didn't. I stole this ashtray instead.

Ted: I can't believe that was the same ashtray. I should've recognized it.
Barney: I know... me, too.
Ted: Barney, you weren't there. Why is it so important that you be part of this story?
Barney: Because crazy stories are my thing. You have architecture, Marshall has the law, Lily has art, Robin has pleasing me sexually. You all have a passion that drives you. Well, if I have a passion, it's taking life and turning it into a series of crazy stories. If you can do that without me, then... I don't even know who I am anymore.

Ted: That's weird. I have a message.
Marshall: That's weird. You still have an answering machine.
The Captain: [on answering machine] Ted, this is the Captain. Please call me back at your earliest convenience.
Ted: Oh, crap.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, you remember the Captain. He was one of the richest men in New York, and when I met him, he was married to Zoey, who I ended up... befriending.
Ted: Oh, man, he seems pissed.
Barney: Does he?
Ted: Yes. Listen.
The Captain: [on answering machine] Ted, this is the Captain. Please call me back at your earliest convenience.
Barney: Oh, I hear it now.
Marshall: What? I don't know.
Ted: Listen again.
The Captain: [on answering machine] Ted, this is the Captain. [sharpens blade] Please call me back at your earliest convenience.
Marshall: He sounds pissed.

Marshall: So what happened?
Ted: Well, it was a few weeks after Zoey and I broke up, and I was on the rebound, and I kind of rekindled things with that girl, Becky.
Marshall: Becky?
Ted: Boats, boats, boats.

Ted: Anyway, I get to the gallery...
[flashback:]
Lily: This place is so fancy. I hope I don't embarrass myself.
Ted: What? Lily, come on. You got nothing to be embarrassed about.
Robin: Dude, look who it is.
[present:]
Ted: And who should walk in but...
[flashback:]
Barney: Daddy's home.
[present:]
Ted: Nope.

The Captain: This is my art consultant. Shelly.
Robin: Art consultant? What's that?
Lily: Oh, Shelly helps the Captain select artwork based on its aesthetic appeal and value as an investment.
[The Captain mouths "I'm going to kill you" to Ted]
Lily: That's why I think she's gonna love this elephant painting. I think this artist is going places.
Shelly: Well, I should go. Captain, we'll talk tomorrow?
The Captain: At ease.

The Captain: Hey, if you like art, you should see the painting I just acquired. It's in my apartment just upstairs. It's gonna blow you away.
[later, in The Captain's apartment:]
Ted: Anyone with this kind of ashtray money probably has an island where he hunts people. Probably somewhere in the Caribbean. I bet there's good snorkeling.