The Captain: [answers phone] Ahoy.
Robin: Hi. Captain, it's Robin. Ahoy. Uh, look, I... have to be upfront with you. I'm engaged.
The Captain: Engaged? I thought you were married to Marshall. This is Robin right? The redheaded kindergarten teacher who wore the gray dress and the blue shoes to that art show?
Robin: Can you please hold a moment?
The Captain: Dropping anchor.

Robin: He's looking for Lily. Should I give him her number?
Marshall: Yeah. We've already discussed it. It's $4 million cash. Oh, her phone number. Yes, I don't think she'll mind.
[later, Lily storms into the apartment:]
Lily: You gave the Captain my number?
Marshall: She minds.

[flashback to stoned Ted and drunk Robin with Lily at the art gallery:]
Ted: Delicious. Shrimpy for me.
Lily: This place is so fancy. I hope I don't embarrass myself.
Ted: Come on, Lily, you have nothing to be embarrassed about.
Robin: Dude! Look who's here!
Barney: Daddy's...
[present:]
All: Nope.

[flashback to stoned Ted and drunk Robin with Lily at the art gallery:]
Ted: [screams]
The Captain: Well, well. Ted Mosby, my old nemesis.
Robin: Hello, sailor.
[present:]
Robin: No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, yeah, that's what happened.

[flashback to stoned Ted and drunk Robin with Lily at the art gallery:]
The Captain: This is Shelly, my art consultant.
Robin: [scoffs] Art consultant! What's that?
Lily: Shelly helps the Captain select artwork based on its aesthetic appeal and its value as an investment, which is why I think she's gonna love this elephant painting. I think this artist is going places. You'd have to be a real Dumbo not to enjoy this painting. Get it? 'Cause he's an elephant?
Shelly: Your sense of humor is as good as your taste in art. Captain? We'll talk tomorrow?

[flashback to stoned Ted and drunk Robin with Lily in The Captain's apartment:]
The Captain: So, who wants to see that painting?
Robin: Ooh, if you show me yours, I'll show you mine.

Lily: So we check out the painting.
[flashback to stoned Lily with The Captain in his bedroom:]
Lily: Huh. You know, that elephant painting would look nice in here.
The Captain: You're looking at a masterpiece, and you're talking about some elephant painting?
Ted: [o.s.] No...!
Lily: Oh, this one's nice, too. I just like the elephant painting better.
The Captain: You know, it doesn't matter what you like. You're just a kindergarten teacher.

Marshall: Guys, can you leave us alone for a minute, please?
Barney: Ooh, they're gonna do it.
Marshall: No, we're gonna fight. And then maybe afterwards we'll do it.

Future Ted: [v.o.] And so the next day, Lily returned to the Captain's apartment.
The Captain: Well, how about that. I didn't even realize it was gone. No harm done.
Lily: Wait, if you weren't calling about the ashtray, then why'd you want to see me?
The Captain: Follow me.
Lily: Oh, my gosh.
The Captain: Yep, that night, I ducked back down into the gallery and bought it.
Lily: Shelly didn't stop you?
The Captain: Shelly was off with some archduke she met at the party. No, I just... well, I liked what you said about how you just liked it.
Lily: I still do.
The Captain: Me, too. Anyway, I just sold it for $4 million.
Lily: What?
The Captain: In the year and a half since I bought this piece, the artist has turned into a huge star in the art world. The next Basquiat, they're saying. And nobody saw it coming except you. So I've decided to give you half
my earnings from the sale. [Lily gasps] I'm just kidding. I'm not giving you two million bucks. I mean, I could. Easily... it wouldn't even make a dent for me. But trust me, the tax code being what it is, you do not want to be rich right now. So here's what I'm thinking. I want to get back in the art game, and I need a new art consultant.
Lily: Wait, are you offering me a job?
The Captain: If you want it. What do you say?