Stella: Well, I can get rid of it in ten one-hour sessions, but, I should warn you, laser surgery's very painful.
Ted: Well, I think you'll find I have a very high tolerance for pain. Just last night, I sat through the worst movie ever made.
Stella: Oh, Plan 9 From Outer Space?
Ted: No, the worst movie. Manos: Hands of Fate.
Stella: Uh, I'm a doctor, went to medical school. It's Plan 9. If you don't believe me, it's playing down at the Pamela Theater.
Ted: Uh-huh. I don't believe you, Doctor.
Stella: Well, what are you doing tonight?

Stella: Hey, Ted.
Ted: Hey. Hey, put that away. Tonight's on me.
Stella: Oh, no, no, don't...
Ted: Come on, I insist.
Stella: That's so nice. Thank you. Hey, guys, this is my friend Ted. [3 women approach] He wants to pay.

Stella: [laughing] And you bought all the tickets.
Ted: Yeah, yeah. Hey, you were right. Worst movie-going experience ever. Of course, it had nothing to do with the movie.
Stella: I am so sorry that you thought that was a date.
Ted: No, it's fine. I got to hang out with you on girls' night out. All right, so if you're not allowed to date a patient, I'll just... I'll wait until these ten session are up and then I'll ask you out then.
Stella: Well, then, fair warning: I'm going to say no.
Ted: Really? I'm getting mixed signals from you. I feel like you've been staring at my ass for quite some time.

Ted: What, you're married?
Stella: No.
Ted: Boyfriend?
Stella: No.
Ted: Lesbian?
Stella: No.
Ted: Only date black guys?
Stella: No.
Ted: And yet you can say with absolute confidence that ten weeks from now, if I ask you out on a date, your answer will be...
Stella: No.

Robin: No... Hmm. What could she mean when she says no? I don't know, it is totally cryptic.
Ted: This is far from over. We're talking ten weeks from now. Who knows what she'll want then? I mean, do you know what you're going to want for lunch ten weeks from now?
Marshall: Sloppy Joe, shrimp cocktail and a milk shake.

Lily: I think that's great, Ted. You can do whatever you set your mind to. In fact, you've inspired me. I'm going to stop biting my nails.
Marshall: But, baby, you love biting your nails.
Lily: I know, but I'm doing this for Ted. Hmm. God, this is really hard.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Weeks went by. The second session I told her about how I spent a summer working with inner-city kids. The third session we both spoke nothing but French. The fourth session I made her laugh so hard she fell out of her chair. So by the time the fifth session came around...
Stella: Still no.

Ted: Still no. What's up with that? I mean, I juggled.
Barney: You juggled? I thought you were trying to impress her.
Ted: You do magic. How is juggling any lamer than magic?
Barney: Magic's not lame.
Ted: I don't get it. I mean...
Barney: Is this lame?
Lily: Oh, Barney, no, no. We said no fireballs at the table.
Marshall: What the hell is wrong with you?
Robin: There's alcohol in here.
Wendy: Barney, we've talked about this. It's a fire code violation.
Barney: Yeah, but Ted provoked me.
Lily: No, no, you are on a time-out. Go sit over there.
Barney: But...
Lily: Go!

Ted: I got four sessions left. There's got to be an angle I'm not seeing.
Barney: You can't turn a "no" into a "yes," Ted. Can't be done.
Robin: I don't know, Barney. I mean, sometimes persistence pays off. I said "yes" eventually.
Barney: No, you didn't. You were like, "No, we can't, we're friends. It would mess up the dynamic of the group."
Robin: To Ted.
Barney: Oh, right.

Ted: The receptionist. That's my way in.
Barney: I like this. Seduce the receptionist. That's a great plan.
Ted: That's not the plan. And how would that help me with Stella?
Barney: Who?