Robin: It wasn't anything she did while you were in the bathroom. It's just the way she is.
Ted: I don't get it. If it's so obvious and you guys all see it, how come I don't?
Lily: 'Cause we're not trying to have sex with her.
Marshall: Brother, you're driving the "I want to have sex with her" truck, and it's got a huge blind spot.
Ted: That's ridiculous.

Marshall: You want to shatter this beautiful illusion you've created for yourself? Fine. Here it is. Cathy talks... a lot.
Ted: Oh, come on. That's not true.
Robin: Ted. Really, really think about that dinner we all just had together.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And I did.
[flashback to the restaurant:]
Ted: So, what's everyone getting?
Cathy: Well, I can't decide. Which sounds better, chicken or lasagna? I like chicken. I like lasagna. I like them both. But I really like pork. A lot of people don't eat pork, and maybe it's because of that movie Babe or something. But that was funny. He was a talking pig and he was like "Bah, Ram, Ewe!" What- What if there was a sorority, "Bah, Ram, Ewe?" I'd totally rush it. ... And so I named him Dr. Seuss! Lorax is a funny word.
Robin: Lasagna! Just get the lasagna!
Cathy: Oh, you guys just got a new place. How many bedrooms is it? I would love to have an extra bedroom, because I would put a Stairmaster in there. But you guys should get a convertible sofa. Or a futon. Futons are great. Or what about one of those Murphy beds? Who invented the Murphy bed? Was it a guy named Murphy? Oh, my God. Do you guys remember that show Murphy Brown? That was a funny show. She had a new assistant every episode. ...and it was like half an hour before I realized he wasn't even on the phone anymore! Isn't that hysterical?
Lily: Two! It's two bedrooms!
Cathy: Hey, do you guys like cannolis? Because I know this place and it's in the South Bronx and you wouldn't expect it, but they have the best cannolis in town.
Future Ted: And just like that, the illusion was shattered.

Cathy: Do you own a wok? 'Cause that's really how... [Ted feeds her sauce]
[later:]
Cathy: Don't you just love autumn? Today I'm dressed for... [Ted hands her a rose] Oh, my God. The sweetest thing.
[later:]
Cathy: And I know this great place where we can go. They have guys and girls clothes. We could both shop at the same time. And a lot of times boyfriends and girlfriends... Hey! Why are you running so fast?

Ted: Well, thank you, pal. You and your little friends, you just had to tell me. You just had to give in to my incessant begging.
Marshall: You said that you wanted to know.
Ted: I didn't want to know!
Marshall: You said you wanted to know!
Ted: Well, I didn't know I didn't want to know! You knew. And you know me. And you should have known I didn't want to know! You know?

Marshall: I'm sorry we told you. I'm surprised she didn't tell you herself at some point. There's only a finite combination of words in the English language.
Ted: Well, you could have let me enjoy it a little longer. She's got all these other great qualities. She's smart. She's caring. She loves animals...
Marshall: You know how to teach her a lesson? Buy her a parrot.

Marshall: Oh, man, honestly, dude, that's the meanest thing you've ever done to me.
Ted: I really thought you knew. We had ribs the other night. It sounded like Jurassic Park.

Marshall: Say, what's in that cereal besides dry twigs and small animal bones?
Lily: What's that supposed to mean?
Marshall: Lily, I love you, but honest to God, when you eat, it sounds like a garbage disposal full of drywall screws.
Lily: What's the matter with you? We've been together ten years, and you're saying this now?
Marshall: Well, I never noticed it before until...
Lily: Until what?

Lily: Can you believe Ted? What a lame thing to say, that I'm a loud chewer.
Robin: Yeah, that's crazy. Maybe enough with the pretzels.
Lily: Oh, my God, do I really chew that loudly?
Robin: No, no, no. Okay, now that you pointed it out, maybe it does sound slightly like someone put a screwdriver in a pencil sharpener, but in a cute way.

Robin: Oh, my God, you're right. That is so annoying.
Lily: Isn't it?
Robin: Where are those pretzels from, Ace Hardware?

Marshall: Hey, man, you like kettle corn? I'm trying to get rid of anything crunchy.
Barney: Are the blinds closed?
Marshall: I don't know.
Barney: Are the blinds closed?!
Marshall: Yes, the blinds are closed.
Barney: Good, I didn't think I was followed, but you can never be too sure. Now double-lock the door and stay away from the windows.
Marshall: Is there a reason that you're acting like this?
Barney: We are about to find out if you're a lawyer. Now, in good conscience, I have to inform you that using this software is in violation of the Patriot Act, the Strategic Defense Initiative, and the National Security Act of 1948, which created the CIA. So I hope you passed the bar because if we use this software, the night janitor Gligor who I fooled into putting fingerprints on my computer, is going to need a good lawyer.