Lily: This is all Ted's fault. Oh, like he's so perfect, Mr. Corrector.
Robin: What do you mean?
Lily: Oh, come on. You dated the guy for a year and you never noticed that most of what Ted says is correcting you.
[flashback:]
Robin: Hey, can you hand me a Kleenex?
Ted: Actually, Kleenex is a brand. This is a facial tissue.
[another flashback:]
Robin: Oh, my God, is Frankenstein gonna kill that little girl?
Ted: Uh, Dr. Frankenstein isn't in this scene. That's Frankenstein's monster.
[another flashback:]
Robin: That literally blew my mind.
Ted: Figuratively.

Future Ted: [v.o] Kids, the early bloom of a romance is a wonderful thing. You meet someone, you have a connection, and that person becomes sheer perfection in your eyes. You just can't find anything wrong with them. And you can't wait to tell the world about it.
Barney: She convinced you to go jogging? Wow, you really want to get in this girl's pants.
Ted: I'm telling you, you guys are gonna love her. Lily, she knows all about art. Marshall, she's open to the existence of UFOs. Barney, she's hot. Robin, she's not hotter than you.
Barney: Like her already.
Lily: Great.
Robin: How not hotter?

Barney: Oh, hey, can I jump on there? I want to show you something awesome.
Marshall: What? No, no. Bar results. My future.
Barney: Trust me. You need to see this.
Marshall: What is so important that I need to see it right now?
Barney: It's a video of a dog pooping on a baby.
Marshall: How do I need to see that? Why would I want to see that? In what possible way could subjecting my eyes and my brain to something that disgusting enrich my life?
Barney: It's a dog pooping on a baby.
Marshall: Get away from my computer.
Barney: Okay, just do a quick Google search for "caca spaniel."