Lily: This is gonna kill Barney.
Barney: What's gonna kill me? What's going on?
Marshall: Um, Barney? Have you noticed anything... different about James?
Barney: No. I mean, he's glowing from his peel, if that's what you mean.
Ted: We have reason to believe that James is, uh, maybe hiding something from you. I- I know you're not gonna like hearing this, but...
Lily: Barney, your brother is... monogamous.
Barney: That's ridiculous! Just because he's a little sleepy, and he hasn't had sex with anyone in a bathroom stall... Huh. He hasn't had sex with anyone in a bathroom stall.

James: Hey.
Barney: I don't support this.
James: Gay marriage?
Barney: Not gay marriage, marriage! [shudders] How can you do this? We were raised in the same house, with the same values!

James: Believe me, I fought this for a long time. Come on, it's embarrassing. Look, this felt unnatural to me, too, at first. But I fell in love. And Tom and I realized you can't fight love.
Barney: Oh, God. Is that what you two do together? You sit around the house and talk about love? I think... I'm gonna be sick.

Ted: Look, my sister married a guy I didn't like. Sandals and socks? Come on, buddy. But I took her out, we celebrated. It was the right thing to do. You got to support him.
Barney: You're right, Ted. This is a cause for celebration. We need to take him out and celebrate the commitment he and Tom are about to make.
[cut to Barney and James arriving at a gay bar with Marshall, Lily, Ted and Robin:]
James: Yeah. This is where we're celebrating the commitment that Tom and I are about to make?
Barney: What? Yeah! See, that cage represents your commitment.

Marshall: Oh, my God. Freedom has never tasted so delicious.
Man: Hey. You work out?
Marshall: I do. And thank you for noticing. You're obviously in very good shape yourself.
Man: Well, I try. So you want to dance?
Marshall: You know what? I'm very flattered, and, objectively, you're a very attractive man, but this is actually my fiancée.
Man: I'm sorry. You know, I saw your drink and I...
Marshall: No, no, this isn't my drink. This is hers.
Lily: No, it isn't.

Man: How 'bout you?
Ted: Oh, I'm straight, too. But I thank you for your time, and I appreciate your interest in my body.

James: And then Tom says to the dealer that the handmade Georgian clock has a chip on the corner. Blam, we get that puppy half price. What up?! Bam!
Barney: Sounds like you really rocked that arts and crafts fair.
James: Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Hey, oh, my God. This is so liberating, being able to talk about this to you. I cannot wait for you to meet Tom.
Barney: And I cannot wait for you to meet my good friend, this guy. Excuse me, do you know anyone who would like to buy my incredibly muscular, fun, large-handed brother a drink?
James: Eh, eh, eh, let's focus on you, Barnaby. Okay. [imitating beeping noises] All right. I spy a group of women who have let their defenses down because they are in a gay club. You see that chick right there? She looks like she'd fall for sports agent and football player.
Barney: Okay, I'm in. Which one am I?
James: [chuckles] Please.

Barney: It's not too late to back out of this stupid marriage thing! You don't have to do this, bro!
James: Yes, I do.
Barney: Why?!
James: Because Tom and I are gonna have a baby.
Barney: What? There's gonna be a baby?
James: Yes. We're adopting.
Barney: Oh, my God. I'm gonna be an uncle?
James: For the rest of your life.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's how Barney became Uncle Barney. A year later, at James's wedding, Barney could not have been more proud.
Barney: To James and Tom. May you have a long and happy life together. And may I always have the skin and libido of a much younger man. Cheers.

Ted: So what are you guys gonna do tonight?
Barney: I'll tell you what James is gonna do. He's gonna do the job you've been neglecting. And, as always, he'll do it a lot better than you ever did. Ted, James is my wingman now.
Ted: Okay.
Marshall: Last time James was in town, Barney got slapped once, lucky twice, and... whose penthouse hot tub did you end up in?
James: Ah, public figure, confidentiality agreement. But I will say this, way more back hair than any guy who can afford laser hair removal should have.

Barney: Oh, man, I am so excited that you're here! It has been forever since I have been around anyone even remotely fun. Uh, yes offense.
James: You guys are still going out with us tonight, right?
Ted: No.
Lily: Jammies.
Marshall: Tonight? It's after 9:00 and I have warm soup belly.