Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, there's nothing more wonderful than New York City in the winter... except the view of New York City in the winter through your apartment window. In the winter of 2006, Marshall, Lily, Robin and I were all deep in couple hibernation mode. Sadly, this left Uncle Barney out in the cold.
Barney: [enters] Okay. All-night rave, abandoned tire factory in Newark. We're on the list. Who's in?
Ted: Nope.
Robin: No.
[later:]
Barney: Private jet. Teeterboro Airport, skinny-skydiving. Who's in?
Ted: Nope.
Lily: No, thanks.
[later:]
Barney: One beer. Bar, downstairs, 15 second walk. Who's in?
Marshall: Shh. Lily went sleepy-bye.
[later at MacLaren's:]
Future Ted: It got so bad, Barney tried to be his own wingman.
Barney: [to a woman] Hi. Have you met me?

Barney: [to his baby nephew] Hey, buddy. Your parents are married. Now, listen, you. Just because you're being raised by married people doesn't mean you have to choose that lifestyle. High-five. Luckily, you got me. In 20 and a half years, you'll be 21, and I will be... Well, I haven't decided how old I'll be yet. But we are gonna bro out, uncle and nephew style. Stick with me, kid. I am gonna teach you how to live. Great suit, by the way. Who is the cutest?

Barney: Hang on to your bedsores, grandparents from Willy Wonka, because guess who's on his way up to this apartment right now? My... wait for it... brother, James. React.
All: Hey!
Robin: You have a brother?
Barney: Yeah. He's the awesome-est, most best looking-est, greatest guy ever.
Lily: He's exactly like Barney.
Barney: That's what I just said.

Ted: Well, Barney and his brother aren't exactly alike.
Lily: James is gay.
Robin: Really? I mean, never in a million years would I picture you with a gay brother, that's awesome.
Ted: Yeah. I just wanted you to have a heads up, so you don't act all surprised when he gets here.
[After a knock, Barney opens the front door]
Barney: Here he is.
James: What up, New York.
Robin: [to Ted] Thanks for the heads up.

Future Ted: [v.o.] And Barney always returned the favor.
[flashback to a gay bar filled with young men:]
Barney: Help, I don't think he's breathing. Does anyone know mouth-to-mouth?
Man: Oh, my God, I do!
Barney: Okay, great. [to another man] How 'bout you instead?

Future Ted: [v.o.] So that night, Barney got his wish. We all went out.
Barney: Daddy's home! Yeah. All right, bro. What do you like? Guy in super tight black T? Super tight black guy? Guy who looks like Mr. T?
James: Mmm, yes, yes, and talk to me after two martinis. Let's focus on you, my man.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Now, kids, when you're out at a noisy, crowded bar, you can always tell the difference between the singles and the couples. You just have to look for the signs. Singles stay on their feet for maneuverability. Couples, exhausted by the sheer act of leaving the house, are obsessed with finding a place to sit down. There are a lot of other indicators, too. From choice of social lubricant to basic body language. But the point is, there are many ways to tell whether someone has Single Stamina or Couples Coma.

James: I wish I would've worn sneakers. I just got finished running from some fat, hairy guy who was periscoping out of his pleather pants. Permission to come aboard denied.

James: Hey! Hi, how are ya?
James and Barney: [in unison] Have you met my brother?

Man: Excuse me. Join me in a shot?
James: Oh, no thanks. I've had enough. [the man always away] He's too in shape, we'd spend all night talking about his body fat content. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go have a yummy, pink drink with fruit in it... because I can.