Ted: Oh, you think you're not learning anything, huh? Okay. Pop quiz.
Barney: What...
Ted: When Robin's PMS-ing, what kind of chocolate should you get her?
Barney: Trick question. Get her butterscotch.
Ted: Correct! Why?
Barney: Butterscotch is to Canadian women what chocolate is to American women.
Ted: Correct! What is Robin's dream job?
Barney: To become the most successful female TV journalist of all time.
Ted: Correct! And if she achieves that, will she truly be happy?
Barney: No! Robin's deep-seated need for attention can traced back to her father's emotional distance, and no amount of success will ever make up for what she truly needs, which is six simple words from her Dad: "Robin, I'm proud of you, eh?"

Ted: "How To Date Robin Scherbatsky." Lesson one. Now, even though she puts up a tough exterior, what Robin really wants, deep down...
Barney: I'm bored.
Ted: You said you wanted my help.
Barney: Can we draw boobs on the chalkboard?
Ted: We did that ready.
Barney: No, like, really big boobs.
Ted: No. Look, I need this, too. I've only been a professor a few weeks. Being up here, it's, it's good practice for me.
Barney: Can we have class outside?
Ted: No! What Robin really wants deep down... [Barney's cell phone chimes] Barney!
Barney: What? I'm tweeting about you. You should be flattered. How do you spell blah-blah-blah- "H's" or no?
Ted: Wow, you were just, like, the worst student in the world, weren't you?
Barney: They said I had A-D... something. Can we have class outside?
Ted: Barney, I'm only gonna say this once, so listen up. I love you and I love Robin. And I want to make this work. So if you give me a few weeks of attention, I could give you a lifetime of happiness. Can you do that for me?
Barney: Do you think I should get Sports Illustrated for 70% off the cover price? Can we have class outside? I got to find a way to reach this kid.
Ted: [under his breath] I've got to find a way to reach this kid.

Robin: "Defusing the bomb"? What does that even mean?
Lily: "Three Topics To Distract Robin From Being Mad At You."
Robin: Distract me? Oh, that is so condescending. These guys are really starting to piss me off!
Lily: "Immediately switch the conversation to one of the following, unless you want Robin to start throwing her shoes."
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: One. "Vancouver Canucks 2004 Division Title."
[back:]
Robin: What?! That's not distracting. That's just talking about the story of a scrappy little underdog team that prevailed despite very shaky goal ending and, frankly, the declining skills of Trevor Linden.
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: Two. "Proper Gun Cleaning and Maintenance."
[back:]
Robin: You have to clean your gun. My uncle had a filthy old shotgun, blew both his thumbs off trying to shoot a beaver. You want to distract someone, make them watch my uncle try to eat corn on the cob.
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: Three. "Emperor Penguins."
[back:]
Robin: Did you know that before intercourse, the male and female emperor penguins bow to each other? Mr. Penguin. [bows] Mrs. Penguin. [bows] Oh, God, silly penguins, acting all fancy. [laughs] What were we talking about?