Ted: She is hot.
Lily: So why can't she come in, Ted?
Ted: She can come in. In six and a half months.
Robin: Wait. Are you saying she's...
Ted: Twenty. And a half. Almost.
[The gang rush out of MacLaren's]

Ted: Ah-ah! Hold up, guys. She had to bounce. Um, a flash mob broke out in front of a line of Korean-Mexican food trucks in Williamsburg.
Lily: The only thing that would make her more of a 20-year-old is an ironic form of transportation.
Ted: Yeah. She's roller skating there.
Robin: I don't know which is more pathetic, that you're going out with a 20-year-old or that you bought a leather cuff to get a date with her.
Ted: I didn't buy this to get a date. I just happened to be out catching up on some Saturday afternoon leather cuff shopping. And she just happened to be a leather cuff saleswoman.

Ted: All right, to be fair, some of those gray hairs were dried egg cream. Turns out, when you projectile vomit on skates, you roll right into the spray.
Robin: Wait, how old does she think you are?
[flashback:]
Carly: So, were you in Vietnam?
[present:]
All: [groan]
Ted: Hold that groan.
[flashback:]
Ted: Charlie was everywhere.
[present:]
All: [groan]
Ted: She's hot! She likes old guys! Don't judge me!

[Ted gasps then mumbles]
Barney: Oh, good, you're awake. Look, Ted, there's something we have to talk about.
Ted: Boundaries? Invasion of privacy? Losing your key privileges?
Barney: It's about the 20-year-old, Ted. You have to bang her. For me!

Marshall: Oh, yeah. Who's your guitar-player-biker who couldn't find mild salsa... but said screw it and went medium bad boy?
Lily: Marshall, your hand!
Future Ted: [v.o.] Okay, I'm pretty sure it wasn't that bad, but this is how uncle Marshall likes to tell the story.
Marshall: Oh, yeah, no, that's the cuff. I'm woozy, and I can't flex my fingers, and the rotten fish smell is getting stronger. But I'm learning to compensate with my left.
Lily: Is that why last night when I asked you to honka honka me you only honka'd me?
Marshall: I didn't think you noticed.
Lily: Snap's been jealous of Crackle all day. Just take the cuff off.
Marshall: No, but, baby, then all the sex will stop.
Lily: Marshall, you don't need a cuff for me to find you sexy. All you have to do is smile, and I'm ready for you to hop on Pop.
Marshall: Thanks baby.
Lily: Are you too woozy to do it one last time before we seek emergency medical attention?
Marshall: Only one way to find out.

Barney: [on the phone] I'm sorry, bro, I totally overreacted.
Ted: You think? I can't believe you're allowed to ship a dead possum.
Barney: He died? That possum was supposed to be an olive branch. Are you sure he's not just playing dead?
Ted: He smells like Marshall's hand.

Ted: Barney, don't you see? Your detox is done! You're over one-night stands!
Barney: Oh, my God, you're right! I'm free!
Ted: Yeah. So if you think about it, but not too much... It's actually good that Carly and I hooked up.
Carly: Yeah, it's really good. I mean, this guy goes at it like he's still in his 50s.
Ted: Hey, have a cigar, you big crazy!
Barney: Hey, don't try to make this okay. You still slept with my sister. Promise me you will never, ever do that again.
Ted: I promise. [clicks tongue and winks]
Barney: You just winked.
Ted: No, I didn't. [clicks tongue and winks]
Barney: You did it again!
Ted: No, I didn't!
Barney: You swear, right?
Carly: Yeah. Of course. [clicks tongue and winks]

Barney: All right, I got to know what she looks like. Show me a picture.
Ted: Well, normally, I'm above such things, but it's been a while, and, uh, Teddy's braggin'. Okay, here she is.
Barney: Okay. Scrolling up. Oh, yeah, those are "plow me" heels. Nice. Uh-huh. The knee bruise is encouraging. Working our way up to those 20-year-old ta-tas. Oh, gravity's cruel grasp hasn't found you yet, my sweet perky miracles. Now, let's get a gander at dirty girl's face. Mm-hmm.
Ted: Her face says, "ready to bone," am I right? I say again, am I right?
Barney: That's my half-sister.
Ted: Then you probably shouldn't scroll to the next picture.
Barney: No!

Barney: That's my sister, Ted!
Ted: Well, look, I didn't know! None of us even knew you had a sister until two years ago, including you! This is just some crazy coincidence.
Barney: There are four million women in the city of New York, Ted, and you sleep with my sister? Why would the universe do that to me?
Ted: I don't know. It's not like you've ever treated women in such a way that would invite some sort of karmic retribution.
Barney: You banged my sister! My sweet, little, innocent...
Ted: Pierced.
Barney: Really? Where? Don't answer that! Now I know why I felt everything you did to her last night. It wasn't a bro-nnection, it was a sis-nnection! Oh, my God. Ted... did you... [whispers in Ted's ear]
Ted: Big-time.
Barney: Nice! High five! Wait! No! no! Retraction five!

Ted: Hey, hey, you're the one who begged for a proxy bang. And while we're on the subject of family, I'm pretty sure you banged my mom. Mom beats sister.
Barney: I never banged your mom. [clicks tongue and winks]
Ted: You just did the winking thing again!
Barney: No, I didn't. [clicks tongue and winks]
Ted: Fine. Hey, Barney, let me ask you something. Were you, uh, feeling a little sore this morning? Especially... [whispers in Barney's ear]
Barney: [gasps] Friendship over!