Future Ted: [v.o.] That night, the only person in worse shape than Robin was her fiancé.
Barney: [on the phone] Ted, I'm desperate. Earlier today, I saw that wrist cuff and I got a partial for Marshall. Did you bang that girl yet?
Ted: Don't get your hopes, or anything else, up. I tried to connect with her, but everything just comes back to her weird fetish about how old I am.
Barney: Well, j-just go simple... does she like TV?
[cutting between Barney on the phone and flashbacks to Carly:]
Carly: No. But I'll watch 60 Minutes with you as loud and as long as you want.
Barney: Sports?
Carly: No. But I bet you look super hot playing shuffleboard, just slathered in bengay.
Barney: Well, does she like books?
Carly: No. But I bet you do. Mm-hmm. I bet you have a big, thick pair of bifocals.

Ted: [on the phone] She doesn't have daddy issues, she has granddaddy issues. I'm ending it.
Barney: Ted, I beg of you, don't quit on a body that won't quit. Ooh, ooh, that'll go sweet on a bumper sticker. That's going in the journal.
Ted: Wait, did you steal my dream journal?
Barney: No! Now, get back in there before all your teeth fall out and you're naked in front of Shaker Heights High School in a play you never rehearsed for.
Ted: Bastard!

Ted: Look, Carly, I got to tell you something. I just, I don't see a future here.
Carly: Oh, my God. Are you dying? Oh, that is so hot. [phone rings]
Ted: Hey, is that R2-D2? Do you like Star Wars?
Carly: I love Star Wars.
Ted: Me, too!
Carly: I mean, I've only seen the new ones.
Ted: Close enough.

Barney: I knew it! I could feel it. It's almost like we were hooking up with her together. You felt that, right?
Ted: I couldn't have performed if I did.
Barney: Don't you see, Ted? We had a bro-nnection.

Carly: Hey, Barn. Ted?
Ted: Barney, what is your sister doing here?
Barney: Nothing, bro. Or should I say, bro-in-law! [claps]
[A crew of staff quickly set up Barney's apartment for a wedding]
Barney: Congratulations! You're marrying my sister! And you spared no expense, you big crazy!

Robin: You know what? I love Barney, but this ring thing sucks. Some gross guy just brushed up against my rack and then apologized. And I think he really, really meant it.

Lily: Oh, sweetie, I know it's nice to be groped by strangers, but nothing beats the rush you get when that one special person looks at you.
Marshall: It's true. Like here in this bar, there's only one thing that I see, and I see her brighter and more clearly than anything else in this world. You know what that is? That's love. And possibly alcohol mixed with some very powerful antibiotics.

Barney: [clears throat] I'd like to start the service with a passage from Ted's dream journal. "Drowning. Gasping for air. No escape."
Carly: Wait, is that about Vietnam?
Barney: It's about Whole Foods.
Ted: Barney. We are not getting married. And those aisles are too narrow!

Future Ted: [v.o.] That night, even though she still couldn't get a beer, Robin realized the true power of the ring.
Marshall: Hey, Robin. Did you ever figure out how you're gonna get a drink at the bar now that you're engaged?
Robin: Oh, sure. I know a way that's gonna last forever. Scotch on the rocks?
Barney: Coming right up.

Robin: Okay, normally New York is the friendliest, most affordable city in the world. Now it's as rude and expensive as San Francisco.