Future Ted: [v.o.] So what if my friends thought it was doomed? I was still young, and I knew that a night of partying with a girl over a decade younger than me would be a total...
Ted: ...disaster. She's like an entirely different species. [sneezes] And I definitely didn't have enough layers.
[flashback:]
Ted: [v.o.] I didn't understand half the words she was saying. To me, it all sounded like hipster mad libs.
Carly: Didn't you check your phone? I just "means of contacting" you on "currently hot social networking site." The show's been moved to "New York neighborhood" you've never heard of."
Ted: Oh. Wow, my phone has a clock. [v.o.] And they subsist on a diet of pointlessly weird combinations.
Carly: Ooh. Hey, do you want to split a kimchi cupcake with bacon frosting? They are the best here.
Ted: Uh, yeah. Yeah, that'll go great with my cucumber jalapeño egg cream.
Carly: Chug it! Come on. Come on. We got to get going.
Ted: [v.o.] Then later, at a club in Chinatown somehow located beneath a manhole cover, it got weird.
Carly: God, I just love those tiny gray hairs in your eyebrows. Old men are so sexy.

Ted: I got to end this.
Barney: Yeah, seriously, Ted. Pretending to be someone else just to get laid? That's embarrassing.
Woman: [to Barney] Your highness!
Barney: Let's go.

Robin: But today was different.
[flashback:]
Man: That'll be $3.75.
Robin: But I didn't have to pay yesterday.
Man: Okay. $7.50.
[present:]
Marshall: Oh, honey-sweetie-baby.
Lily: It's the ring, Robin. The ring has power.
Marshall: When a woman puts on an engagement ring, it's like when Bilbo Baggins wears the one ring in The Hobbit.
Robin: Okay, can you say that again but not in nerd?
Marshall: Sure. Uh, the ring is like the cloak that Harry Potter wears to sneak around Hogwarts.
Robin: Yeah, I don't speak virgin either.
Lily: The ring... it makes you invisible.
Voice: You're not precious.

Ted: Why do you want me to hook up with this 20-year-old? I thought I disgusted you.
Barney: Yeah, that was all an act. Look, look, look, I love Robin and she's the only girl I want to be with. But my body is detoxing after years of one-night stands. They don't make gum or a patch for this, Ted. But, hey, billion-dollar idea alert. [writes down]
Ted: Oh, yeah. That's okay. I'll just buy a new dream journal.

Barney: Look, bottom I need you to proxy bang this girl for me. Be my stand-in and put your gland in. Hey, wow, that'd be good on a hat. [writes down]

Ted: I'm sorry. To hook up with a girl, I have to connect with her at least a little.
Barney: Then find a connection. Just go simple. Nothing about weird poets or buildings or any of those stupid articles you've ever e-mailed me with the subject line "Food for Thought." Please, Ted. I need this.

Marshall: Oh, hey, that's life once you're engaged.
Lily: Oh, tell her, baby. Make it hurt. I'll be at the booth. My panties may or may not be on when you get there. [whispers] They won't be!

Robin: Okay, what is going on with you guys?
Marshall: It's the cuff. It turns out that picturing me as a loser musician with a Vicodin addiction and a beat-up van I use to steal copper wire really turns Lily's crank. Who knew?
Robin: Whoa, what... What happened to your wrist?
Marshall: Oh. It's an allergic reaction.
Robin: So take it off.
Marshall: Robin, once you have a child, anything that gets you even remotely close to the possibility of sex is worth a few pus-filled blisters. Better the sores weep than I.

Robin: Hey, hold on. That slut just got here. How'd she get beer already?
Marshall: Do you see a ring on that finger?
Robin: Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you saying that this invisibility thing means I might not be able to get beer? I was just getting used to the idea of having to pay for coffee and bagels and rent.
Marshall: Rent?
Robin: But not being able to get a beer? Unacceptable.

Lily: Oh, yeah, baby. Mm-hmm. Later you should totally go out and buy a switchblade.
Marshall: Mm. Sure. While I'm out, maybe daddy picks up some diapers and a little mild salsa because we're low.