Ted: It's Barney. [answers phone] Dude, seriously you need to stop calling me.
Barney: Ted, I'm sorry, I haven't returned your calls.
Ted: Yeah I never called you, you called me fifteen times and my parents twice.
Barney: I'm sorry, I gotta let you go. It's just too many good wingmen out there. Ted are you crying?
Ted: No, I'm not.
Barney: Sh! Let it out, let it out.
Ted: Goodbye Barney. [hangs up]

Future Ted: [v.o.] Stella and I had been dating for two months. And things were going really well. She had met my friend in past for flying colors. There was just one little problem.
Lily: You guys haven't had sex yet!!?? When Marshall and I were two months, we were doing it 24/7.
Ted: I know, I was in the top bunk. Also sat next to you at football games.

Randy: Hey Barney, new Sky Mall came in. So word around the blogosphere is that you are looking for a new wingman. I wanna let you know, I'm available. Just the say the word, or don't even say the word. Just do something with you eyebrow. Was that it?
Barney: No offence, Randy, but there is a long list of candidates for this slot. This slot is for Vice President of Awesome. And you are like Assistant Under Secretary of Only O.K.

Future Ted: [v.o.] So uncle Barney began to search for a new wingman.
Barney: [on the phone] Pete, Barney Stinson!
Pete: Hey, I haven't been calling you, it has been a while.
Barney: Yeah. Yeah. So, listen you should meet me in MacLaren's tonight.
Pete: You never gonna believe this. I'm at the hospital. Just had a baby daughter.
Barney: So what do you think? 9:30 or 10 o'clock?

Marshall: Wow. Stella hasn't had sex since 2003. Let's just put this in context. The last time Stella had sex, the movie, Seabiscuit, had just galloped into the theaters... and our hearts.
Lily: Five years! God, if I even went one year, I would be out on the street selling it for a nickel.
Marshall: The last time Stella had sex, the world was just learning about SARS.

Ted: So, her sister's driving up to baby-sit Lucy, and we're getting a hotel room in the city Saturday night.
Marshall: The last time Stella had sex, The Da Vinci Code had just come out.
Robin: Well, that's doesn't seem like that long ago.
Marshall: Not the movie, the book.
Robin: Wow.

Ted: It's a lot of pressure, isn't it?
Lily: You know what? It's not. This woman needs it bad. Anything you do is going to be fireworks. I remember my longest drought...
[flashback to Lily in San Francisco:]
Lily: [v.o.] It was that summer I lived in San Francisco. I hadn't had been with Marshall since two months and 19 days.
[An earthquake shakes Lily's whole building. Her initial panic quickly morphs into pleasure.]
[back:]
Lily: Oh, San Francisco!

Ted: I have a surprise appetizer for us today. Check it out. Potato skins.
Stella: Fancy.
Ted: Yeah. Right? God, it's been forever since I had potato skins. I remember them as being pretty much the most delicious things ever. [Eats the potato skin] Huh. That's surprising.
Stella: What?
Ted: This potato skin. It's good but not nearly as good as I'd built it up to be in my head. Even though potato skin performed admirably, and is a totally respectable size... I couldn't enjoy it because of my own unrealistic expectations.
Stella: Hmm, Ted, I see what you're doing. You're trying to lower my expectations for tonight. Is this a length thing?
Ted: No.
Stella: Quick on the draw?
Ted: No.
Stella: Unexpected number of testicles?
Ted: No.

Barney: Hey.
Randy: What up Bro-seph Lieberman?
Barney: No, uh-uh. Randy, we never use the word "bro" in the name of a failed Democratic vice presidential candidate.
Randy: [takes out a notepad] Goodbye "Geraldine Ferrar-bro".

Randy: I'm sorry, Barney.
Barney: Eh. So you got a drink thrown in your face. Happens to me all the time. Pretty soon you'll be able to anticipate it, and when you do? Free drink.