Barney: Okay. Okay, new plan. We wrap his face in gauze so he can't bleed or talk. You are the woman...
Robin: Barney, why are you so desperate to have this happen?
Barney: I'm a wingman. That's what wingmen do.
Robin: Is it possible that you're trying to fill the void of losing Ted by rushing into a new wingman relationship?
Barney: What are you saying?
Robin: I'm saying that Randy is your rebound bro.
Barney: No. That's crazy. What Randy and I have is real.
Robin: And even if you got Randy laid tonight, would it feel anywhere near as meaningful as when you got Ted laid?
Barney: [emotionally] He was just so happy the next morning, you know?

Lily: So are you two back together?
Ted: No.
Marshall: I miss Barney. I haven't high-fived with anyone like a week. I think I might be starting to lose my fist bone careless.

Robin: Let me ask you something, Ted. Why are you so much madder at Barney than me?
Lily: Yeah! She had just as much sex with Barney as Barney had with her.
Robin: You know what? I'm not sure that's true.

Lily: So what you guys waiting for?
Ted: I think she wants to make sure we are serious first, that's why she hasn't introduced me to her daughter either. She wants to take things slow.
Marshall: Wait, so you haven't had sex since like Thanksgiving. Do you know how many big federal holidays have come and gone since then?
Lily: Oh baby, do you remember Martin Luther King day?
Marshall: Yeah, I do. We owe that dude big time.

Ted: Look, I'm crazy about this girl, and if waiting is what it takes, then I'm fine with that. And totally unrelated note. Does anybody have gum or ice or a piece of bark that you are not chewing?

Barney: [on the phone] Stapleton, Barney Stinson.
Stapleton: What up, chef?
Barney: I need a new bro, what do you say?
Stapleton: Dude, I'do love to but now I'm bro with Doug Stein.
Barney: Oh, I understand. Doug Stein's a good bro. I'm happy for you. Best of luck.

Barney: [on the phone] Crazy Willie! Barney Stinson.
Willie: What up B dog, long time no bro, so are we gonna tire it up tonight or what?
Barney: Yes, finally!
Willie: Here is what on the rocket docket. My wife is gonna put the cheese out at seven, Cranium at 8:00 PM, 9 PM we watch 27 dresses, everybody's home by 11:00. Booya! [Barney hangs up, redials]
Willie: [answers phone] Hello?
Barney: Hanging up on you once wasn't enough. [hangs up]

Stella: So I lanced this thing on this guy's back, and I'll be honest with you, I didn't even know what it was, and then it exploded like a volcano. Puss everywhere.
Ted: Let's have sex. Right now, I'll lock the door.
Stella: Oh, there is no lock on that door.
Ted: We can do it against the door. It'll be hot! It'll be like a three-way: you, me and the door.
Stella: Yeah, but then it's just gonna be weird between me and the door tomorrow.

Ted: I'm sorry. We're waiting. It's cool.
Stella: You've been so patient Ted. The truth is... I'm kind of nervous. I have a confession to make.
Ted: I was afraid of this. You're 14.
Stella: [laughs] No, um... It's kind of embarrassing, but it's been a while since I was intimate with anyone.
Ted: Wow. It's funny that you say that. Me too.
Stella: Really? How long it's been for you?
Ted: It's been a while.
Stella: Tell me.
[Ted raises five fingers]
Stella: Me too!
Ted: It's been five months for you too?
[cut to Ted, Robin, Marshall and Lily in the apartment:]
Robin, Marshall and Lily: Five years?!

Robin: Well, Ted, what else did she said? Did she gave you any kind of explanation?
[flashback to Ted and Stella in her office:]
Stella: Look, after Lucy was born, I dated a little, but it was hard to find a guy I could trust enough. Sooner or later, every one of them gave me a reason not to.
Ted: But nobody in five years?
Stella: Look, Ted, guys regret the girls they didn't sleep with. Girls regret the guys they do sleep with. And for the past five years, I've had no regrets. Ted, you're staring at my boobs.
Ted: In my defense, they were staring at me.