Ted: I don't have any other shoes because you stole them along with everything else I own in the world. Where's the truck, Barney?
Barney: Barney. People's whose trucks I'm not holding for ransom call me Barney. I think you should call me The Commodore.
Ted: I'm not calling you...
Barney: You're not getting your stuff back.
Ted: Can I please have my stuff back, The Commodore?
Barney: [chuckles] No. Here's the deal, Ted, you're my bro. And you're about to become a henpecked, beaten down, shell of a man. So tonight, we are going to have one last awesome night together as bros. It's a bro-ing away party. A special bro-casion. A bro-choice rally. Bro-time at the Apollo.
Ted: Oh, bro me.

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...
Ted: It was never your truck.
Barney: ...if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted: It was a rental.
Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck. Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. Number six, "Feels On Wheels." Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-boni." And, the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."

Robin: [on the phone] Hey, sorry about that. Thanks for holding. Um, so if you could go ahead and cancel my subscription to Guns and Ammo, that would be great. No, it's a great magazine. Really great. They've printed three of my letters. It's just that my boyfriend is moving in and he kind of doesn't approve of the whole gun thing. A free hand grenade phone? You know what? Let me give you my work address.

Barney: You haven't moved in yet, have you? Good. You guys have to take this quiz. I found it in a magazine. It's called the "Are You Ready to Move in Together?" quiz.
Robin: Well, if it's anything like you're "Are You Wearing Panties" quiz, I'm out.
Barney: Question one, Ted, "Do you want to move in with Robin?"
Ted: Mm. Yes.
Barney: Oh, you got the first one wrong. The answer is "No," you secretly want to be single and hang out with your awesome friend Barney." Question two. Robin, "Do you think you can score a hotter guy than Ted?" Correct. The answer was awkward silence. Question three, "Did I just make up this quiz to prove a point?" Yes. Yes, I did.
Robin: Really? You mean it's not from Old Yellow Legal Pad Magazine?

Barney: By the way, what are you guys doing with Ted's room? 'Cause if you need help with the rent, I'll take it.
Lily: Why would you want to live with us?
Barney: I don't call what you guys do "living." Here's the deal, I need a room closer to the bar. It takes me exactly 23 minutes to get a girl from the bar back to my apartment. A lot can go wrong in 23 minutes.
[flashback to Barney in a cab with a woman:]
Woman: This is going to be so hot. [falls alseep]
Barney: [to cab driver] She's paying.
[flashback to Barney with another woman in a cab:]
Woman #2: I swear, if he doesn't call me back, I'm going to go through with this.
Barney: [to cab driver] Please hurry, sir.
Woman #2: I want to do dirty stuff with you. Stuff I won't let him do.
Barney: Every red light run is an extra $20.
Woman #2: [answers phone] Baby? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It was all my fault.
[flashback to Barney with a third woman in a cab:]
Woman #3: I am so drunk. When I'm this drunk, I go crazy!
Barney: I bet you do.
Woman #3: Check this out. [flashes herself to other vehicles] What up, NYPD?
Barney: So close.

Barney: See? If I had a room here all I have to do is get them upstairs. Come on, guys. It'll be great! We'll come in after you guys are asleep and I'll be gone before you wake up.
Lily: So, you get to have sex and we get to wake some skanky girl up in the morning and kick her out?
Barney: God, Lily. Some guy just told her that he loved her then pretended to go to the bathroom and never came back you can't make her a cup of coffee? Real nice.

Lily: Marshall, we live alone.
Marshall: This is so great! We can finally do all the things we always said we wanted to do if we lived alone.
Lily: Oh, I know what I want to start with.
[later, Marshall and Lily are completely naked as they sit on the couch]
Marshall: So, here we are, right? Sitting around the apartment naked. Awesome.
Lily: Yep.
Marshall: It's not as awesome as I thought it would be.
Lily: My butt itches.
Marshall: I'm cold.
Lily: I noticed.
Marshall: Yeah, like you're one to talk, Pointy.

Marshall: Should we, um, move this to the bedroom?
Lily: Why? Ted doesn't live here anymore. We can do it wherever we want.
Marshall: You know what else? We don't have to be quiet anymore. We can be as loud as we want.
[later:]
Lily: Okay, I think we need to lay down some ground rules. Just because we can be loud doesn't mean we have to be loud. And although it might turn you on, you screaming, "I'm the best," doesn't do much for me.
Marshall: Well, it's a lot better than yelling, "Ted's not here," over and over again.
Lily: Well, at least what I said is true.
Marshall: Well, that was unnecessary.

Barney: Oh, hey, Ted. Suit and sneakers. A little Ellen DeGeneres but you pull it off.

Barney: You were impressive, buddy. Nice work. All right, next challenge.
Ted: No. No next challenge. Look, this is my first night living with Robin. She's probably pissed I'm spending it out with you.
[cut to Robin in a bubble bath smoking a cigarette:]
Robin: This might be our last hurrah, my little friend.