Barney Quote #370
Barney: By the way, what are you guys doing with Ted's room? 'Cause if you need help with the rent, I'll take it.
Lily: Why would you want to live with us?
Barney: I don't call what you guys do "living." Here's the deal, I need a room closer to the bar. It takes me exactly 23 minutes to get a girl from the bar back to my apartment. A lot can go wrong in 23 minutes.
[flashback to Barney in a cab with a woman:]
Woman: This is going to be so hot. [falls alseep]
Barney: [to cab driver] She's paying.
[flashback to Barney with another woman in a cab:]
Woman #2: I swear, if he doesn't call me back, I'm going to go through with this.
Barney: [to cab driver] Please hurry, sir.
Woman #2: I want to do dirty stuff with you. Stuff I won't let him do.
Barney: Every red light run is an extra $20.
Woman #2: [answers phone] Baby? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It was all my fault.
[flashback to Barney with a third woman in a cab:]
Woman #3: I am so drunk. When I'm this drunk, I go crazy!
Barney: I bet you do.
Woman #3: Check this out. [flashes herself to other vehicles] What up, NYPD?
Barney: So close.
Quote from Barney
Ted: I don't have any other shoes because you stole them along with everything else I own in the world. Where's the truck, Barney?
Barney: Barney. People's whose trucks I'm not holding for ransom call me Barney. I think you should call me The Commodore.
Ted: I'm not calling you...
Barney: You're not getting your stuff back.
Ted: Can I please have my stuff back, The Commodore?
Barney: [chuckles] No. Here's the deal, Ted, you're my bro. And you're about to become a henpecked, beaten down, shell of a man. So tonight, we are going to have one last awesome night together as bros. It's a bro-ing away party. A special bro-casion. A bro-choice rally. Bro-time at the Apollo.
Ted: Oh, bro me.
Quote from Barney
Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...
Ted: It was never your truck.
Barney: ...if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted: It was a rental.
Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck. Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. Number six, "Feels On Wheels." Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-boni." And, the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."
Quote from How I Met Everyone Else
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.
Quote from The Three Days Rule
Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.