‘Mom and Dad’
Season 9, Episode 10 - Aired November 18, 2013
When Barney's father, Jerry, arrives at the hotel, Barney puts a scheme in motion to get his parents back together. Meanwhile, Ted thinks somebody is sabotaging his work as best man.
Quote from Marshall
Marshall: Wakey, wakey.
Daphne: Wait, this isn't...
Marshall: It's your daughter's school. You need to go in.
Daphne: She asked me not to come, Marshall. This doesn't make any sense.
Marshall: Kids don't understand logic. Kids understand who shows up.
Quote from Marshall
Girl: People say children are the future. I say... oil is the future! Don't listen to these gutless environmental sissies!
Daphne: That's my baby.
Girl: Drill in the oceans! Drill in the wetlands!
Daphne: Thank you, pumpkin head.
Girl: Drill in the national parks!
Marshall: You're welcome.
Girl: Drill, baby, drill!
All: Drill, baby, drill!
Marshall: We should go.
Quote from Ted
Ted: So, Billy, did you really think you could get away with it?
Billy Zabka: Actually, I did. I was gonna give this to Barney and say I'd driven an hour away to get a replacement from an autograph dealer. First, I needed an alibi. So I got Barney's dad a massage but signed in my name. Then I switched the Gretzky head shot with one of myself. I always travel with 2,000 of those handsome devils in the trunk of my car.
Ted: I have so many questions for you, but first... you keep 2,000 head shots of yourself in your trunk?
Billy Zabka: No one ever wants them! They only want the "good guy's" autograph! In the '80s, I was the bad guy in every movie. [v.o.] Do you know what my life has been like? Every premiere, when I came on-screen... I wasn't a bad guy in real life, just a kick-ass actor. No one got that. It happened everywhere I went. Somehow, people
always had popcorn. 25 years of getting crane-kicked in the nuts, until Barney Stinson gave me the best moment of my life.
[flashback:]
Barney: Hey. Hey, some issues just came up with Ted, so... will you be my best man?
Billy Zabka: Sure.
Barney: Thanks.
Billy Zabka's Mother: [answers phone] Hello?
Billy Zabka: Mom? [she boos] No, no, listen, listen. I just became somebody's best man.
Billy Zabka's Mother: [gasps] You can come to Thanksgiving this year!
[back:]
Billy Zabka: To Barney Stinson, I wasn't a bad guy. To Barney Stinson, I was the best man. I thought if Ted screwed up again, I'd have another shot. But I guess this time I really was the bad guy.
Quote from Ted
Barney: Hey, Ted, what's so urgent?
Ted: I have something to tell you. I destroyed that Gretzky head shot and I couldn't fix it. Billy saved the day by getting a new one from an autograph dealer nearby.
Billy Zabka: A-An hour away.
Ted: An hour away. Just be cool.
Barney: Awesome. Thanks, Billy! And, Ted, I really appreciate that you told the truth. [punches Ted]
Ted: Ow.
Barney: Psych! Billy rules, Ted drools, Stinson out.
Billy Zabka: You're all right, Mosby.
Quote from Barney
[When the elevator once again comes to a halt:]
Loretta: Um, Barney? Is this your way of saying you're supporting us?
Barney: [o.s.] Yes! Go for it. Consummate your love!
James: Thanks, bro. But this is super weird. Super weird.
Quote from Barney
Cheryl: Are we almost there?
Ranjit: Almost there.
[Jerry jumps across the windshield of Ranjit's car:]
Jerry: Give me back my wife, you son of a bitch!
Quote from Ted
Ted: Now, the question is, which of those three suspects had the most cause to frame me? The one that I replaced as Barney's best man?
[flashback:]
Billy Zabka: I'm coming for you, Mosby.
[present:]
Ted: Billy Zabka!
Quote from Ted
Ted: Lot of pretty paintings in this hotel. I like how they've been... framed.
Billy Zabka: I've noticed the vintage, antique, gilded Victorian frames, too. I'm not blind... but what are you getting at?
Ted: You know damn well what I'm getting at! You're jealous I got the Best Mansmanship back, so you destroyed that photo as part of some diabolical scheme to make me look bad. I bet you even found some other photo of Wayne Gretzky so you could swoop in and save the day.
Billy Zabka: You're insane.
Ted: Am I?
Billy Zabka: Yeah. Yeah.
Ted: Am I? Where were you today at 3:15 p.m.?
Billy Zabka: Right here getting a massage. Rocked a 60-minute deep tish. Now if you'll excuse me, Detective, I think I'll go have some pineapple.
Ted: How do you know about that?
Billy Zabka: Everybody knows about that!
Quote from Ted
Ted: Excuse me? You destroyed that photo, didn't you?
Bellhop: No, I didn't.
Ted: Admit it! I complained about you to the bell captain, so you got your revenge.
Bellhop: You complained about me?
Ted: No.
Quote from Ted
Receptionist: Is everything okay with Mr. Zabka?
Ted: Wait. W-Wait. Why do you think that's Billy Zabka?
Receptionist: See? The man from the lobby got this massage. A younger gentleman bought it for him as a gift. He even signed his name for him. Right here.
Ted: I'm telling all y'all... it's Zabka-tage.