Ted: While it is heartwarming to watch your firstborn teethe on a jalapeno popper, wasn't Mickey
gonna watch him today?
Lily: My dad's out all week. He's got the sniffles.
Marshall: For someone who's survived numerous beatings from loan sharks, he has a surprisingly delicate constitution.

Ted: Well, my semester's over and the GNB building is finally done. If you guys want, I'm free to watch Marvin. I'm meeting with a headhunter next week to line up my next project, but until then, what the hell?
Robin: Ted, although a "what the hell" attitude is incredibly sought after in a babysitter, I think that Lily and Marshall...
Both: You're hired.
Marshall: Now that we've been parents for awhile, we realize that pretty much any moron can take care of a baby.
Ted: Thank you.

Robin: [high-pitched to Barney] Oh, my God. You are such a good folder. That's, like, The Gap good. [giggles]
Lily: Robin, let's go hit the bar. At this restaurant. I think they have a bar here. Okay, what was that? What was what? The "dumb cheerleader flirting with the quarterback" thing. You looked like you were gonna chase Barney down with a sixer of watermelon wine coolers.
Robin: Okay, first of all, those bad girls come in fourskis. And second, why would I be flirting with Barney? I'm not interested in him, and I made that very clear. With something that I did. Recently.

Lily: Just spill it.
Robin: The other week, Barney made a move, but I turned him down. I felt awful for closing the door in his face, but he realized I was right.
[flashback:]
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore.
[present:]
Lily: And now I get it.
Robin: Get what?
Lily: You may have closed the door on Barney, but he locked it.
Robin: What? No, he didn't.
Lily: Yeah, he got the last word, and now you want what you can't have, like you always do. It's the classic lobster situation.
[flashback to Robin in a doctor's office:]
Doctor: I'm afraid you're allergic to lobster. You can never, ever, ever have it.
[later, Robin's face is red and horrifically inflamed as she eats lobster:]
Robin: Oh, this... is... delicious.

Lily: Once you learned you couldn't have lobster, you became obsessed. Barney's the same thing. And this is gonna blow up in your face, just like the lobster blew up your face.
Robin: Wrong. This is nothing like lobster.
Lily: Okay. Just remember, you can never hook up with Barney again.
Robin: That's fine.
Lily: Never. Ever, ever, ever, ever.

Robin: Oh, no. Marshall, Lily and Ted can't make it, for viable reasons I just learned via this text message I accidentally deleted. Guess it's just gonna be you and me.
Barney: Fine by me.
Robin: Me, too. Totally. Supafine. [inner monologue] Hey there, Scherbats, your voice of reason here. What you doing?
Barney: I hope you don't mind, but I was hungry, so I ordered MacLaren's new special. I couldn't eat lunch at work because they ordered Thai food. I miss you, Cornelius!
Robin: Oh, my God. You're so sensitive. And deep. [inner monologue] No. You're better than this. Barney is not like lobster. Okay, that's unfortunate, but it doesn't mean you have to hook up with Barney.
Barney: Whoa!
Robin: [inner monologue] God, you said that out loud! No, I didn't. How would you know? You're out of control. Oh, you think you're so smart, don't you, bitch?

Robin: That's interesting. [inner monologue] Yeah, you got this. I'm sorry I called you a bitch.
Barney: What do you think?
Robin: Oh, that idea's amazeballs! [inner monologue] That's it. I'm out of here.

Robin: I'm out of control. I came this close to telling Barney that I wanted him.
Lily: Robin, as your friend, I got to be honest. I think this Brobibs thing is a frickin' gold mine.
Robin: What? No. Lily, I really need advice.
Lily: Okay. Invest now. Seriously, it's like Apple at ten dollars a share.

Lily: Marvin crawled. I can't believe it.
Ted: Believe it. I took a video for you.
[Ted plays the video, which recorded his face:]
Ted: You're doing it, Marvin. Go, go, go, go, go. Oh! Your Uncle Ted is so proud.
Ted: Whoops. Guess I had the camera flipped. I use it to check my teeth for debris.

Ted: Guys, get in here! Marvin can't stop crawling! He's Holden Crawl-field! Get in here right now. Nope, nope, it's over.