[title card: "The Damsel in Distress":]
Barney: Hey, Robin, I just got your text. What's the big emergency?
Patrice: Hi, Barney! You seem like you run fast. Do you want me to fan you with my US magazine?
Robin: He's fine.
Barney: Thanks, Patrice.
Robin: Oh, thank goodness you're here. I just got this new printer, and I need somebody big and strong to take it to my office for me. I promise to repay you.
Patrice: We'll do it for you, Robin!
Robin: Don't you have a late-breaking weather story to cover, Brandi?
Brandi: Oh, I did it already. It rained.
Barney: Oh, I got to jump on a big Brobibs conference call. The lawyer from Dude Aprons is really busting my balls. See ya.
Robin: Nobody asked for your help, Patrice! You either, Brandi!

Robin: God, I feel awful. Barney is going through something big, and I've been obsessing about one stupid final hookup to get him out of my system. He needs space and time to figure things out. And I have to give it to him.
[later, Barney opens his front door:]
Barney: Robin? What are you doing here?
Robin: It's okay if you don't know what you want in life.. As long as you know what you want tonight.
[Robin takes off her coat to reveal a skimpy outfit]
Barney: Well... I do know what I want.
Patrice: Hi, Robin!
Robin: Nobody asked you here, Patrice!

[title card: "The Center of Attention":]
Robin: Stop it.
Barney: Hey, hey. What are you guys doing slobbering all over my friend?
Robin: Oh, Barney, don't be jealous.
Barney: If you're gonna drool, do it in style! Just go to Brobibs.com. We've got every look in the book. The Business Casual. The Preppy. The Robin Williams. Bib up! Brobibs is in no way affiliated with, inspired by or derivative of Dude Aprons.

Ted: Look, I still feel bad I went too far with all the Marvin firsts. The Santa thing, especially. I mean, I should've known. Are you sure you guys forgive me?
Marshall: Absolutely.
Lily: Don't worry, no grudges.
Ted: Great. Next round's on me.
[a few years later, Ted is holding a baby as a car horn honks:]
Ted: Coming, honey! Okay, you guys have all the numbers: my cell, the restaurant, Center for Disease Control?
Marshall: She's with her Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall.
Lily: Nothing's gonna happen.
Ted: You're right. You're totally right. Okay. Bye, sweetie. [hands over the baby]
Lily: Get out of here, ya crazy.
Marshall: Would you get out of here already.
Lily: [to the baby girl] Who's ready to meet Santa?

Marshall: But I-I think that we've figured out what's going on with you. See, after we let you go...
[flashback to Lily and Marshall's apartment:]
Lily: What is this?
Marshall: Marvin's Book of Firsts?
Lily: [gasps] Ted took Marvin to see Santa?! Oh, I am gonna take this book and I'm gonna shove it so far up his...
[present:]
Marshall: The point is, it made us remember another scrapbook you made.
[montage of Ted's "Buildings Book of Firsts" scrapbook]
Marshall: That project really was your baby, and now it's over, and you're scared to move on.
Ted: I poured my blood, sweat and tears into that building. Though, to be fair, a lot of that happened the day I accidentally fell down the elevator shaft.

Barney: No. No! What have I done?! I am so sorry, Cornelius. You deserve a better end than this!
Lily: Wait. You got ketchup on a red tie. You can't even see it.
[Barney pours water on his tie, then starts to do compressions]
Barney: I'm going in! Oh, my- Damn it, guys, we lost him. Just this morning, he said to me, "I'm getting too old for this shirt". [Marvin murmurs] I know, dude. [Barney hums "Taps"]

Barney: Um, billion-dollar idea alert. Why should bibs only be socially acceptable when you're eating lobster? If we could wear them all the time, then Corny would still be with us right now. I miss... Picture a bib that looks like your suit: a collar, a tie, a jacket. I could call them Brobibs!

Marshall: Baby, I know, I know. But, listen, there will be plenty of other Marvin firsts. His first day at school, his first trip to meet Santa, his first touchdown pass for the 2032 Super Bowl champion Vikings - no pressure. I'll love him even if he runs the ball into the end zone. So can we please just let this crawling thing go?
Lily: Yeah, okay. You're right. I mean, I'm being nuts. We'll see it when we see it.
Marshall: Yeah.
[later, Lily aims a video camera at Marvin:]
Lily: Do it. If you ever want to see these boobs again, crawl, you son of a me.
Marshall: Come on, Lil. You know what they say: a watched tot never crawls. Or calls you later in life, after it sees this disturbing footage.

Ted: The point is, it's just really hard to let go. Especially when that building's my biggest accomplishment. I mean maybe if I was where you guys are at in life, with all you have to be proud of...
Marshall: We get it, okay? You're always gonna be Uncle Ted. But if Marvin can't be your next project, you need one of your own, and so we rescheduled your meeting with that headhunter. He's over there.
Ted: Which one is he? Thanks, guys. Marvin and I are lucky you're our parents.
Lily: Aw.
Marshall: Oh, hey, Ted? It's kind of a big, professional meeting. You might want to trade out that lollipop for a shirt.
Ted: Yeah. I'll just give it to one of these kids.
Marshall: Oh, buddy. You're half naked, you're not a parent to any of these children... Don't offer 'em candy.

Lily: Well, it's come to this. We're drinking with our baby in a bar.
Marshall: It is not a bar. It's a restaurant that happens to have a bar. Ergo, we are good parents. Unrelated: I'm getting faced right now. Papa needs a grease coat.