Marshall: [on the phone] 'Sup, Blauman? E-bomb here. We still on for karaoke? Dope. I'm going to rock you on the mike so hard your hears are going to bleed gravy. Catch you on the flip, butt puppet.
Lily: Okay, what do you think? [shows Marshall a painting]
Marshall: Steak sauce.
Lily: Steak sauce?
Marshall: Yeah.

Lily: Look, you know, whatever anthropology you do at work is your business, but please don't act like that around here.
Marshall: Lily, when Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-...
Lily: No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline came home from the gorillas, she didn't run around picking nits out of people's hair and-and throwing feces.

Barney: Yes! Look at you. You suited in an unmistakably upward direction.

Marshall: Barney, how do I get these idiots to leave me alone?
Barney: Marshall, consider the penguins.
Marshall: The penguins?
Barney: On the wall.
Marshall: "Conformity. It's the one who's different that gets left out in the cold." This is a motivational poster?
Barney: Look at yourself, Marshall. You're not happy. And you know why? Because you're different. Now, I suppose you could learn to love yourself for the unique little snowflake that you are, or... you could change your entire personality, which is just so much easier.

Marshall: Whoa. That is a butt-load of motivational posters.
Barney: Yeah, hell, yeah. I got 'em all: Teamwork, Courage, Awesomeness...
Marshall: There's one for awesomeness?
Barney: Yeah, I had it made. Sit.
Marshall: Hey, so, now that I'm working here, are you finally going to tell me exactly what your job is?
Barney: [laughs] Please.

Marshall: I'm sorry, dude, this corporate thing, it's just... It's not for me.
Barney: Oh, of course it's not for you. It's for Lily.
Marshall: What?
Barney: Marshall. Lily's a catch. But do you really think you're going to hang onto a girl that great without the package?
Marshall: The package?
Barney: The package. The house. The car. Sending your kids to a great school. A vacation once in a while.
Marshall: Lily doesn't care about that stuff.
Barney: Well, no-- now she doesn't, but how's she going to feel in a couple years, when she's supporting you on a kindergarten teacher's salary while you're off in court defending some endangered South American flying beaver.
[Marshall chuckles]
Barney: I know.

Bilson: And all four are totally naked. You gotta choose one. What do you do? Go.
Marshall: I guess, uh... Bea Arthur.
Bilson: Ahh! Wrong! Betty White. Clean this stuff up, Eriksen.

Marshall: Okay, all right, I, uh, I think I'm ready.
Barney: You sure? You want to practice your story one more time?
Marshall: All right. So dude, check it. I'm in San Diego with two of my bro-sephs from Kappa, and they're all, "Yo, Eriksen, let's roll to the strip clubs." So I'm, like, "Snapadoo!" So we find this choice nudie nest near the airport...
[cut to Marshall telling the story at work:]
Marshall: ...and that is when the bouncer kicked us out. Now, I have no idea if Svetlana ever got her green card, but dudes, fake diamond ring? Worth every penny, bruh.
Blauman: Eriksen, that was steak sauce!
Bilson: Great story.

[flashback:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] When your Uncle Marshall was ten years old, he read a book called Life Among the Gorillas. It was written by an anthropologist named Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez, it told the story of the year she spent living among the Western Lowland Gorillas of Cameroon. When Dr. Birnholz-Vazquez came to the local community college to give a lecture, Marshall, the youngest member of the audience, raised his hand with a question.
Marshall: What advice do you have for a budding anthropologist?
Dr. Birnholz-Vasquez: So you want to be an anthropologist?
Marshall: Yep. When I grow up, I want to go live with the gorillas, just like you did.
Future Ted: What she said next changed his life.
Dr. Birnholz-Vasquez: Oh, that's wonderful, but I'm afraid you can't. They'll all be dead by then...

Marshall: ...and if economic sanctions and trade restrictions aren't enforced, the destruction of the rainforests will continue and over a million species will be wiped out.
Ted: So you don't want coffee?
Marshall: I'm saying that the coffee industry is causing irreversible...
Ted: All right. I'm pouring it out.
Marshall: Okay, one cup. The kid needs to be alert. First day on the job and everything.