Man: I, uh, I hear you're a woman who can get things.
Robin: I've been known to locate certain objects from time to time.
Man: I need vodka and dirty playing cards.
Robin: I got ya.

Lily: You have a voice mail from your dad?
Robin: How?
Marshall: My phone's been out of juice, so he must've called me the day that he, uh...
Lily: Baby, are you okay?
Marshall: I hold in my hand the last words my father will ever say to me. I'm gonna hit play. [hesitates]
Robin: What's wrong?
Marshall: What if it's worse than Crocodile Dundee III? I can't do this. I can't...

Woman: Hey, so, um, I heard you might have...
Robin: You heard right. [whispers to Ted] I'm getting a reputation. [to the woman] So, what you need, mama?

Marshall: Hey.
Barney: So?
Marshall: I couldn't listen to it. Guys, this is hard.
Lily: We know, baby. But you'll always wonder, if you don't. Your dad loved you. It almost doesn't matter what he said.
Barney: It doesn't.
Ted: That's true.

Marshall: Guys, guys, what if, God forbid, all of your dads died right now? What would their last words to you have been? Seriously.
Ted: I know mine. When I was in Cleveland last month, I went to visit my dad at his... post-divorce bachelor pad.
[flashback to Ted and Alfred in an apartment:]
Alfred Moseby: Been fun bro-ing out with you tonight, T-Dawg.
Ted: Yeah... so glad we can we can talk about our sex lives now. That's totally an improvement.
Alfred Moseby: I hooked up with a younger woman the other week. Donna Bromstead.
Ted: My prom date?!
Alfred Moseby: How far did you get, T-Dawg?
Ted: I have to go.

Marshall: How would you like those to be your father's last words?
Ted: Well, they might be. Donna Bromstead's husband is a cop.
[Robin hands Ted the flask]
Marshall: Lawyered.

Barney: Man, I always thought I had it rough not really knowing my dad, but... Now I realize at least I'll never have to suffer like this. Our next video is called "German Shepherd Activates Tennis Ball Cannon While Fat Kid Sips Energy Drink".

Judy: Okay, who is responsible for this? Who got Cousin Daphne drunk? She is 15 years old.
Robin: Whoa, they grow 'em big out here.
Barney: And here's your phone number back.

Ted: Well, at least someone's helping. We haven't made Marshall laugh once.
Barney: Yeah. Showing videos of guys getting hit in the nuts wasn't going to do anything. That was just stupid.
Ted: Stupid.
Barney: What we need to do is hit each other in the nuts. Yes.
Ted: Nothing beats the immediacy of live theater. But which one of us is going to take the hit?
Barney: Hey, Marshall.
Ted: [groans] So that's it? No discussion?

Marshall: I'm not going to listen. "Rent Crocodile Dundee III" are the last words that my father will ever say to me, and I think I can live with that.