Ted: Quinn is totally playing you.
Barney: What? That's ridiculous. If she were playing me, why would she agree to go on a date with me?
[flashback to the strip club, where Quinn is wearing Barney's rolex:]
Quinn: You're different than the rest of these schlubs. This one time only, I'm going to break my rule. Let's go out tomorrow night.
Barney: Sweet!
Quinn: Oh, shoot! I have to work tomorrow.
Barney: Ugh!
Quinn: Hey! Brainstorm! What if we just have our date here?
Barney: It's a date.
[present:]
Ted: It's not a date, if you go into a strip club and paying for lap dances.
Barney: If it's not a date, why'd she say, every fifth dance was free?
Ted: Because that's the Lusty Leopard's policy on Friday nights, and I'm so mad at you that I know that!

Robin: "Dear Diary. It is day six on this island, and I begin to fear I am more captive than guest..." [screams]
[Robin wakes up to find Lily standing over her bed with a mallet]
Lily: Morning, sweetie. Up for croquet?

Quinn: Hey, sexy! You want a dance?
Barney: Yeah! Uh, one thing, though. Um, you'd be okay with us having a date somewhere besides here, wouldn't you?
Quinn: I was hoping you would ask that.
[cut to one of the private rooms:]
Quinn: I'm sorry it's so expensive in here, but it's nice and private, huh?
Barney: Absolutely. And romantic! It's our first getaway as a couple!

Quinn: Hey, gorgeous, You want a dance?
Barney: Is it a jig? 'Cause if so, it's up. Sorry, I only had the last verse of "Hot For Teacher" to work on that.

Barney: What was that? You laid exactly the same line on that guy that you did on me!
Quinn: Sweetie, that is just something I say to these gullible losers here. They fall for it every time.
Barney: [chuckling] Bunch of losers!
Quinn: Oh, gosh, manager again. He's looking at me like, "Karma, why aren't you booking more time in the Champagne Room?"
Barney: Well, we'll show him. No! You're playing me again! And you're not even trying hard! There's no manager there. You're pointing at a fern!

Barney: Did I deserve this? Absolutely. I have told some outrageous lies. I have told women I was famous, a war hero, that sex with me would cure their nearsightedness.
Woman with glasses: Barney?!
Barney: I probably deserved everything you did to me and more. But I have been trying, and trying hard to be a better person. Thanks for showing me I had it right before.

Lily: Look, I'm sorry we made you feel a little suffocated, but were you really just gonna sneak away?
Robin: Well, it's just... I really miss the city. I know you guys love it here, and that's fine,
Lily: We don't love it here!
Robin: What?
Marshall: Come on, Robin, what kind of life is this? Going to canasta tournaments and high school field hockey playoffs?
Lily: Oh, I think North Bellmore can take state.
Marshall: With Sophie's ankle? Doubtful.

Robin: Okay, but if you two are so unhappy, why don't you just move back to Manhattan?
Lily: Because the suburbs are better for the baby.
Robin: Who says? Who says any place is better for the baby if you two are unhappy in it?
Marshall: No, no, we live here now.
Lily: And, you know, this place wouldn't seem so bad if we got one of our friends to move out here.
Robin: Oh, guys. Oh. I would rather set myself on fire.

Robin: [imaginary] Pottery. Now you're making pottery.
Ted: I needed a new vase and some plates. And bowls. The china cabinet I built had some design flaws.
Robin: Why don't you just turn this into a guest room?
Ted: A guest room? [chuckles] You mean a room ready and waiting for someone who isn't there? A room devoted to reminding me that I'm still alone?
Robin: Yeah, I don't need that. Ted, no matter how many things you put in this room, I'll still be here.

Lily: Who needs Manhattan?
Marshall: Yeah.
Lily: [phone buzzes] Hmm, it's Ted. He wants to know if we want to hang out in the city.
Marshall: The next train leaves in nine minutes.
[Marshall and Lily jump up out of their "Snugget"]