Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, 2012 started out kind of crazy. Barney met a girl named Quinn, Kevin unproposed to Robin, I told Robin...
Ted: I love you, Robin.
Future Ted: When I asked if she loved me back, she said...
Robin: No.
Future Ted: Marshall told Robin...
Marshall: You got to move out.
Future Ted: And Robin did.

[at a strip club:]
Ted: I can't even open her bedroom door anymore. Why do I have to be so sensitive?
Barney: I don't know, bro. Look at me and that Quinn chick. You don't hear me prattling on about how beautiful her smile is, how her hair is like a waterfall of honey-colored silk, how her eyes are like a warm South Sea kissed by the fire and gold of sunrise. I don't even remember what she looks like.
Ted: Dude, you obviously like her.
Barney: Can't you read between the lines, Ted? I obviously like her. How did this happen to me? When did I become such a gooey romantic?
Ted: Look, I think it's healthy that you have real feelings for a woman instead of just seeing her as an object. Switch?
Barney: Sure. [snaps fingers]
Ted: But why Quinn? I mean, you spent one night with her, and she was kind of mean.
Barney: We just connected. Emotionally, intellectually, spiritually.
Ted: So, mind-blowing sex?
Barney: Mind-blowing sex! For an hour afterwards, I couldn't uncross my eyes. Which was awesome, because
when I went back for seconds, it was like having a three-way with twins.
Ted: So... call her.
Barney: I would if I knew how to get in touch with her, but I can't, and it's driving me crazy. Everywhere I look, I see her. I see her walking on the street; I see her shopping in the store; I see her dancing on that pole.
Ted: I see her dancing on that pole, too.
Barney: Oh, my God, that's Quinn.

Future Ted: [v.o.] When Robin moved out, there was a hole in my life in the shape of an empty bedroom. I filled it with a new hobby.
[As Ted barbecues meats in Robin's former bedroom, he imagines her standing next to him:]
Robin: [coughing] What are you doing in my old room?
Ted: This room being empty was bumming me out, so I decided to do something healthy that would take my mind off you.
Robin: Well, nothing says healthy like smoking 40 pounds of pork loin in an unventilated room while having an imaginary conversation with your ex.
Ted: Just for that, you're not getting any.
Robin: I'm not getting any? You're the one smoking your own meat. Ho!

Barney: What am I gonna do about this Quinn thing? I want to ask her out again, but I don't know how I feel about her being a stripper.
Ted: Why would you have an issue with that? I mean, you've dated convicted felons, arms dealers, pageant moms.
Barney: Hey, Quinn is someone I might want to get serious with, not just pretend to be a judge who can help her four-year-old clinch Little Miss Biloxi. [chuckles] Tiffany's mom really wanted that tiara.

Ted: In a city of eight million people, you happened to walk into the club where she works? Maybe it's destiny.
Barney: No, Destiny strips at The Melon Patch. They're people, Ted; try to keep them straight. Wait a minute. What if this is destiny?
Ted: I just said...
Barney: What if the universe is throwing us in each other's path for some reason?
Ted: More or less exactly what I...
Barney: I don't care what you say, this is destiny! Damn it, Ted! Why can't you ever root for love?

Marshall: Plus, you don't want to be a burden on Patrice.
Lily: Yeah, she probably doesn't even want you there.
[cut to an excited Patrice waiting in her apartment with a "Welcome Robin" sign and balloons]

Robin: You guys are being weird.
[Lily drops her bowl of ice cream into Robin's suitcase]
Lily: Oh!
Marshall: Oh!
Lily: Oh, my God, Robin, I am so sorry. I'll throw these in the wash. They'll be dry and folded in the morning. Or the weekend. And we can talk about you leaving then. [quietly] Or never.
Robin: Wait, Lily, why don't...
Marshall: [yawns loudly] It's 8:45, time to hit the hay.
[After Marshall and Lily leave Robin's room, they lock the door behind themselves]

Robin: [imaginary] So Ted, what healthy, not-at-all-crazy activity are you up to now?
Ted: I liked smoking meat, but now I've got a new passion: wood.
Robin: You hear these things that come out of your mouth, right?

Barney: So I went back to the Lusty Leopard.
[flashback to the strip club:]
Quinn: You know what, Barney? I know I said I have a rule about not dating customers, but you may have
convinced me to... [music stops] Oh. Song's over, I got to go.
Barney: Wait, no, what? Convinced you to what?
Quinn: I'm sorry, but manager's giving me the stink eye.
Barney: Ugh, get a life, Manager. [gives Quinn more money] What were you saying?
Quinn: Well, I was going to say that I do find you very... charming. And funny. And sexy. And exciting and smart.
Barney: You so get me.
Quinn: You know what, Barney? I have never done this before, but there's just something about you. So I guess my answer is... [music stops] Oh, the song's over.
Barney: Well, just finish the thought!
Quinn: But the manager.
Barney: God, I hate manager. There. [more money] Your answer is...
Quinn: Maybe if we knew each other a little better. Tell me about yourself.
Barney: Well, um, what can I tell you? I'm, um... charming and funny and sexy and... [later] exciting and smart.
Quinn: Well, how can a girl say no to that? How about we... go out on... aaaaaaaaa... aaaaaa... [music stops] Ugh, these songs are so short.

Ted: Uh, how much exactly did you give Quinn?
Barney: Eight, nine hundred bucks, plus whatever my Rolex is worth.
Ted: Whoa.
Barney: I know. Ted, I think I'm in love.
[Ted's chair collapses]