Robin: Besides, Stella's not gonna let you keep half of this junk.
Ted: Why wouldn't she?
Lily: Ted, oh, sweetie. Okay, here's the thing that guys only learn after they move in with a woman. All of your stuff is stupid.
Ted: Like what?
Lily: Um, like anything you bought at a Renaissance fair.
Ted: Hey. Hey, there's not enough mead in the world to make me get rid of my flail.

Marshall: And then, there's Exhibit B.
[Marshall looks up to the ceiling where a portion of the crown molding is missing and there are cracks in the wall]
[flashback to Ted arriving back from the Renaissance fair:]
Ted: Good morrow, fair gentles. Look what I won at the Renaissance faire.
[Ted swings his mace and leaves a crack in the crown molding and ceiling]

[flashback, as Marshall explains the hole in the wall:]
Lily: That's it, Robin. Give me the stick.
Robin: I'll give you summer teeth. Some are here, some are there.
Lily: Robin, give me the stick.
Robin: Take off, hoser.
Lily: That's it!
[Lily and Robin start fighting]
Robin: Scrap?! I'll scrap!
Ted: Guys, come on!
Barney: For America.
Ted: All right, break it, break it up!
Barney: Ted, no! You never break up a girl fight! Never!
[Barney punches the wall]
Ted: Entirely Barney's fault. As, by the way, is the big scorch mark over the fireplace.

[When Barney arrives at the apartment, the gang are waiting by the "Intervention" sign]
Barney: What?
Robin: The magic tricks.
Lily: Specifically, those involving fire.
Barney: Magic tricks? Guys, interventions are supposed to help people, not attack every little thing you don't like about them. I'm sorry, but that really steams me. That really burns me up! I mean, I am filled with a white-hot rage! [growling]
[Barney shoots a flame out of his hands, setting the intervention sign on fire. Everyone else screams.]
Barney: Thank you. [seeing the sign] Oh, shoot.
Lily: I smell hair! I smell hair!
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's the story of the scorch mark.

Barney: Intervention banner? What's that for?
Ted: Stella.
Barney: Ah. [takes a letter out of his suit pocket] "Ted, I cannot stand idly by..."
Ted: You've just been carrying that around?
Barney: Please, Ted? "I cannot stand idly by while you make the biggest mistake any man can make... getting married. Mark my words, this whole thing is gonna go up in flames!" [Barney sets the letter on fire and throws it in the air, where it vanishes] Damn! I put the flame cue too early. I had so many more important things to say, and... The point is, Ted, marriage is stupid. Every year, there are a million new hot 22-year-olds walking into bars, and call me "glass half full," but I think they're getting dumber.

Marshall: Oh, come on, Barney, even you aren't still gonna be hitting on 22-year-olds when you're 80.
Barney: I accept that challenge.
Marshall: What challenge?
Barney: To prove to you that I will be exactly this awesome when I'm 80, I will hook up with a 22-year-old while in my old-man makeup.
Marshall: I didn't remotely challenge you to that. I mean, I definitely want to see it. But I didn't remotely challenge you to that.

Lily: Okay, guys, the movers are coming in 14 hours. We gotta get back upstairs and finish packing.
Robin: You guys still aren't finished packing? How is this taking so long?
Ted: Hey, all the great memories of our 20s took place in that apartment. It's not like throwing stuff in a box. You start to reminisce.
Robin: Not me. The key? Throw stuff out and never look back. I'm moving to Japan. It took me a half hour to pack.
Lily: A half hour?
Robin: Well, it would have taken me 20 minutes, but a friend called me in tears.
Marshall: Moving is really emotional, okay?

Ted: Hey, look at this. A photo from the first day we moved into this place. [Marshall and Lily aw] So many great memories.
Robin: See? That is exactly the type of crap you should be trashing.
Ted: So you don't keep any photos?
Robin: No, they're like love letters or yearbooks or someone's ashes, they just take up space.

Marshall: Oh, hey, Ted, since we're clearly not getting our security deposit back, I thought maybe you could reimburse me for my half.
Ted: Wait a second, why should I have to pay more than you?
Marshall: Because you treated this apartment the way John Bonham treated his central nervous system.

[Barney arrives late to Stuart's intervention:]
Barney: Hey, hey! There's the birthday boy. Time to let the party monster out of its cage, Stewie! Come on, buddy. People don't want to see Bruce Banner, dude. They want to see the hulk. [chanting] Hulk, hulk, hulk... what? [Robin whispers in Barney's ears] Oh. That's what I get for skimming the e-vite.