Marshall: Lily! We kind of had a plan tonight, remember? Candles? Banjo?
Lily: Who else did you tell? Did you tell anyone at the office?
Marshall: Um...
[flashback to Marshall getting ready to leave work:]
Marshall: [over intercom] Shannon? Start the music. [high-energy rock music plays]
[Marshall's' colleague cheer as he walks down the corridor:]
Marshall: Can you dig it?!
Co-worker #1: Take it to the hole, Eriksen!
Co-worker #2: Sink that putt, big fuzz!
Co-worker #3: Put a pillow under her lower back. It helps facilitate conception, bro!
[present:]
Marshall: I may have mentioned it in passing to a couple of colleagues at work.

Marshall: I'm sorry about that, but you know what? I got to be able to tell my dad.
Lily: Your dad is the last person you should tell! The man is too involved in our lives! It's like, every time the phone rings...
[flashback to Lily answering the phone:]
Lily: Hello.
Marvin Sr.: Lily, Marvin Eriksen. I noticed you hadn't changed your last name yet.
Lily: No, I'm gonna...
Marvin Sr.: So, don't worry. I called the DMV, I called your Amex, I got that process started for you.
[another phonecall:]
Lily: Hello.
Marvin Sr.: Lily, Marvin Eriksen. I understand you and Marshall have been fighting. Well, let me tell you what works for me and the missus. Frilly French undies and a box of wine.
[another phone call:]
Lily: Hello. You might want to try pickles on that sandwich.
[present:]
Marshall: Pickles would have helped that sandwich!
Lily: The man has no boundaries. And I just can't procreate under these conditions!

Barney: Oh, look at you, Robin. You're jealous.
Robin: Jealous?
Barney: Yeah, jealous, because she's got it, and you've lost it.
Robin: I have not lost it.
Barney: You lost it.
Robin: I still have it. I know exactly where it is, and I can go get it whenever I want.
Barney: Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date, and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge, pick you up, give a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway. But it's all downhill from here.

Marshall: He's just... He's so, um... Enthusiastic. It's ridiculous, you know? Like, who's like that?
Lily: You. You're like that. You and your dad both care so much. It's... it's why women fall in love with the Eriksen men to begin with. But right now, it's a lot of pressure.
Marshall: Baby, I'm not trying to pressure you one bit.
Lily: What if I can't have a baby? That could happen. I could totally let you down. Has that thought not occurred to you?
Marshall: Not even for one second. Not having a baby would suck, but the idea of you letting me down... That's impossible. That would be like aliens landing. That's a bad example, because that could happen. It probably already has. I saw this, uh, episode...

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, there are two big days in any love story: The day you meet the girl of your dreams, and the day you marry her.
[a little ways down the road:]
Ted: Nice! Where'd you get this?
Marshall: Stashed a cooler behind the pulpit. Beer be with you.
Ted: And also with you. Mmm. Man, this is what church has been missing. Dude, you fixed church.
Marshall: Yeah. You're welcome, God. Nervous?
Ted: What? No. I'm just hoping it doesn't rain. Why? Do I look nervous?
Marshall: Look at your beer, dude. You always do that when you're nervous.

Ted: You know what? To hell with your dibs. I'm going over there right now and talking to her.
Barney: Oh, yeah, yeah? Be my guest. Fall in love with her. Get married. Just know this: When I step up to make my toast as your best man...
Ted: Actually, Marshall would probably be...
Barney: As your best man...
[fantasy scene of Barney giving Ted's best man toast:]
Barney: Ladies and gentlemen... I had dibs.
Man: No!
Woman from the bar: Tell me this isn't true.
Ted: I had implied dibs.
Woman from the bar: [slaps Ted] You know, you've humiliated me! [to Barney] I had no idea. You have to know that.
Barney: Shh, shh. You're the victim here. We both are. Let's get out of here.
Woman from the bar: Or, you know, we could just do it right here.
Barney: We could just do it right here.

Ted: It was a tough summer, but I think our girl's been a real trooper. She's... Is this a Cheeto?
Robin: No, we ran out of Cheetos last week. Oh, yeah, it's a Cheeto. Dibs. [eats it]
Barney: Oh, you're exquisite. You must let me paint you.

Ted: Hey! How'd it go? You pregnant yet?
Marshall: Nope!
Lily: Okay, so, here's what happened. I was at home, waiting for Marshall.
[flashback to Marshall arriving home:]
Marshall: Hey! How was your day? Don't answer. No time. Um, bedroom. No, no. No time. Floor. No, no time. Against this wall!
Lily: Marshall, whoa! Wait. A big package just arrived.
Marshall: Yeah, it did.
Lily: No, no. It's a real package from your dad.
Marshall: Well, that's a little weird, but yeah, it is.

Ted: Wish me luck.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Now kids, remember how I told you about a girl named Cindy? How I went on one date with her and it ended... Badly? Well...
Robin: What the hell are you doing?
Ted: That girl she's talking to? I dated her.
Barney: Oh, that sucks! And dibs.

Robin: So you went on one date with one of her friends. It's not necessarily a big deal. I mean, did it end on bad terms?
Ted: Um...
[flashback to Ted running into Cindy at the college:]
Ted: Oh, hi Cindy.
Cindy: [mockingly] "Oh, hi Cindy." [blows raspberry]
[present:]
Robin: Yikes.