Lily: But, Marshall, you love New York.
Marshall: Yes, I do. But you always said that when we had kids, you wanted to move out of Manhattan.
Lily: Yeah, to Brooklyn.

Marshall: Why are we even talking about this? This is way down the road.
Future Ted: [v.o.] But Lily knew way down the road might not be so far down the road.
Lily: I need to go to the restroom.
[Lily gets up from the table and walks out]
Marshall: Lily, the restroom's the other way.
Future Ted: [v.o.] So she headed down the road.
Marshall: Lily. [car engine starts]

Kendall: Barney, you need me to sign your time sheet, right?
Barney: Yeah, right. Thanks.
Ted: Barney.
Barney: Yeah, what's up?
Ted: You have a time sheet? No one else has a time sheet.
Barney: Yeah, so?
Ted: All right, let me see that.
Barney: That's my private personal business!
Ted: Court-mandated community service.
Robin: Oh my God, you're on probation? What did you do?
Barney: That's my private personal business.

Barney: I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church.
Ted: You peed on a church?
Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk.
Ted: Oh, you are evil.
Robin: Now, all's right with the world again.
Barney: OK, fine, so a judge is making me do this but I'm still doing it, and kicking ass at it, BTW. [points to his "Volunteer of the Year" picture]

Clerk: Happy Thanksgiving.
Lily: Happy Thanksgiving. As in check out the chick buying the knock-up test everybody, wonder what must be going through her head. Yeah, well, since you asked, a family of mayonnaise-guzzling giants is trying to suck me into their suburban nightmare. And there's a solid chance that I have an Eriksen the size of a 15-pound turkey growing inside of me.
Clerk: You know the Eriksen's? You're Marshall's fiancé.
Lily: Fantastic.
Clerk: So nice to meet you. You are taller than described.

Ted: You can't fire a volunteer.
Robin: Apparently you can. And his two non-mushroom-throwing friends.
Barney: I can't believe that I told Kendall you guys were cool. I had 40 hours left on my community service and now I've got to spend it spearing trash on a freaking median strip. [picks up his picture] Volunteer of the year!

Ted: [to Barney] Public urination. Who gets arrested for public urination?
[cut to the Eriksen living room in Minnesota:]
Marshall: Lily's been arrested.
Judy: Oh dear, what for?
Marshall: Public urination.

Marshall: Look, I don't wanna be exactly like my family, and don't take this the wrong way, but I don't wanna be exactly like your family either. We'll be our own family, and we'll find our own way to freak out the people our kids bring home.
Lily: Great, now I'm crying. Look, we may have some really big decisions to make in about 10 seconds but right now, I don't care where our kids grow up as long as they have you for a father. Gosh, I hope you're the father. Just a little joke to lighten up the mood.
Marshall: What does it say?
Lily: I'm afraid to look.
Pete: [o.s.] It's negative.
Lily: Thank God.

Barney: Okay, Ted, I found a way for you to help someone, to do some good. This is Walter, and Walter is homeless. And Walter would like a lap dance.
Ted: Are you joking?
Barney: I never joke about the sublime art of burlesque entertainment.
Ted: No, Barney, that's insane. Sir, would you like me to buy you a ticket to the buffet.
Walter: No, I'm stuffed. Just a lap dance would be fine.
Barney: Ted, Walter's been to three shelter dinners. You know where he hasn't been? To heaven with Samantha. Look, it's the one chance you've had all day to help someone in need. Now buy this man a lap dance.
Robin: You said you wanted to see the joy in someone's eyes.
Ted: You know, I don't think I'm gonna watch. Here you go, Walter. Happy Thanksgiving.

Robin: Thanksgiving in November. Weird.