Barney: Ted, did you or didn't you break up with Jeanette last night?
Ted: I don't know, it's kind of confusing.
[flashback to Ted and Jeanette at the game:]
Ted: I think we need to talk.
Jeanette: Oh, oh, okay. I see where this is going. You're in love with Lily. That's it, isn't it?
Ted: What? No, I...
Jeanette: Like I should be surprised with her fancy medical degree and her sexy Southern drawl.
Ted: What? She's not...
Jeanette: Don't talk to me, don't look at me. I hate you and I never want to see you again!
[present:]
Ted: And then things got crazy and we got thrown out of the Barclays Center. I don't know, it felt pretty breakup-y. Anyway, we parted on pretty bad terms, so... I kind of thought maybe I could...
Barney: Never contact her again and hope she'd take the hint and just leave you alone?
Ted: Barney, give me some credit.
Barney: Was that the plan?
Ted: Yes.

[fourteen years later, Robin and Lily speak quickly over wine:]
Robin: All gone.
Lily: We need to do this more often.
Robin: We totally do. I can't believe Marvin's in high school.
Lily: He's growing up so fast.
Robin: Can I confess something to you?
Lily: Oh, no. What? What happened? Tell me what you did to my son.
[flashback:]
Robin: This is not going well at all.
Woman: Oh, honey, you are shaking. Let's get you out of the cold. What's open near here?
[Marvin sits on the woman's lap at a strip club]
[back:]
Lily: You took my infant child to a strip club?
Robin: It was just topless. He saw yours all the time anyway. Okay, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that, but that is all there is. Okay, there is no more to the story. I have now told you everything.

[sixteen years later, Robin and Lily chat over wine:]
Robin: All gone.
Lily: We need to do this more often.
Robin: We totally do. I can't believe Marvin's driving.
Lily: He's growing up so fast.
Robin: Okay, there's one other thing.
Lily: What?
[flashback to Robin, Marvin and the woman at the strip club:]
Robin: Well, I have to go use the ladies' room. Can you watch him for me?
Woman: Of course. [to Marvin] I could just eat you up.
[back:]
Lily: You left him with a complete stranger? He could've been... Robin, how could you?
Robin: Lily, please, okay, it was 16 years ago. He's fine.
Lily: You're right. It's fine.
Robin: God, it feels so good to have gotten this off my chest. Finally it is all on the table. All secrets are exposed
and there is nothing left to be revealed.

[seventeen years later, Robin and Lily chat over wine:]
Robin: All gone.
Lily: We need to do this more...
Robin: There's more to the story.
Lily: Damn it, Robin. What could you possibly have left out?
Robin: It's just there's, one little detail that I may have slightly altered.
[flashback to Robin on the street with Lily and Marvin:]
Lily: If he starts crying, just pick him up.
Robin: Yeah, there, there. Come on, buddy, shh.
Mike Tyson: Looks like somebody's unhappy.
Robin: No kidding, I'm miserable. Listen to this thing.
Mike Tyson: Maybe he needs to be held.
Robin: I think you're right. Can you do it?
Mike Tyson: Sure. Come here, handsome. Come here, come here, you handsome devil, you. You're such a beautiful... Aw, you're such a cool dude. Oh, look at you, oh. All right, there, there, little one, there, there. Let me put you back in your strolly-poo so you can drift off to dreamy-dreamy land. Okay? All right.
Robin: Thank you so much.
Mike Tyson: Hey, don't worry about it.
Robin: It's my first time alone with him, and I just have this weird feeling I'm gonna drop him or injure him in some way. I know it's completely insane...
Mike Tyson: Oh, heavens, oh, watch it, no!
Robin: No! This is not going well at all.
Mike Tyson: Oh, hon, you're shaking. Let's get out of the cold. Is there anything open near here?
[cut to Marvin on Mike Tyson's lap in a strip club:]
Robin: Hey, I need to go to the ladies' room... can you watch him for me?
Mike Tyson: Of course. I could just eat you up. Look at you, yum, yum, yum, yum.
[back:]
Lily: You waited 17 years to tell me that you met the greatest boxer of all time? My son was rocked to sleep by Senator Mike Tyson?
Robin: I wanted to tell you, believe me.
Lily: How could you...?

Marshall: Okay, this is the right thing to do. You got to go up there and break up with her for real.
Barney: And don't worry, if anything happens, just scream, we'll come rescue you.
Ted: Okay.
[five minutes later, Ted comes crashing down the stairs:]
Ted: Did you guys not hear me screaming up there?
Barney: Aw, I feel so awful. We went to get subs. We got you one though. [Marshall shakes his head] We didn't get you one.

Robin: I don't think it's quite that simple. I was talking to a friend of mine about Ted and Jeanette.
Ted: Oh, great, what friend is this?
Robin: Uh, just this wise old lady that I know.
[flashback to Robin, Marvin and Mike Tyson at the strip club:]
Mike Tyson: Here's the thing about crazy. When a guy sends mixed signals to a girl, it takes a toll on her psychological well-being. You want to know why a girl acts crazy, look at the guy she's dating. Then you really see some crazy. Trust me.
Robin: Are you Mike Tyson?

Barney: Now, hold on. I've dated tons of crazy girls in my life, and not once have I ever treated them with anything other than... Oh, right, I'm a monster.
Marshall: Maybe the old lady with the face tattoo is right. Maybe the reason Jeanette's acting this way is Ted.
Ted: Me? How is this my fault?
Lily: Yeah, come on, this is Ted we're talking about. I'm sure he didn't do anything to lead her on or send mixed signals, right, Ted?
[flashback to Ted and Jeanette at the game:]
Jeanette: Don't talk to me, don't look at me. I hate you and I never want to see you again!
[Ted kisses Jeanette]
[present:]
Ted: And we got thrown out of the Barclays Center.

Lily: But that was last night. I mean, it's not like...
[flashback to a few minutes ago:]
Ted: Listen, Jeanette, we really need to have a serious talk about our...
Jeanette: [wearing Ted's red cowboy boots] So, did Lily leave these boots here or was it some other bitch?
Ted: Marshall, Barney, help me!
Jeanette: I don't think they're coming.
Ted: I guess not.
[Ted and Jeanette kiss]
[present:]
Ted: It's those red boots. They just look sexy on everyone.

Robin: Okay, Ted, what is with the red boots? You're a smart guy, you've got some taste, you got a visual sense, I mean, you're an architect for Pete's sakes. How can you look at those boots and think... Oh, my God, I'm holding it, I'm holding the baby.
Marshall: What, you've never held him before?
Robin: Uh, tons of times. This-this is not a big moment for me. This is exhilarating.

Ted: Look, yes, I know what you're gonna say. I have to break up with her.
Lily: No, I was actually gonna say the opposite. I think you need to be with Jeanette right now.
Ted: Because she's the one.
Lily: No. What? No. She's insane. But I think you are also a little insane right now. So I think you need to go be with your crazy girl for a while and when it all goes down in flames... and I don't mean that figuratively, I expect there to be actual flames...
Future Ted: [v.o.] And there were.
Lily: We'll be here for you because we love you.