Marshall: Is this a strip show or a Kiss concert?
Barney: Shh! She's starting. Please turn off your cell phones, pagers and sense of shame.

Marshall: You know what? Thanks a lot, Barney. She told you at the beginning of the show not to use the smoke machine when she's on the hippity hop. Now I'm going to have to spend the rest of my bachelor party in a hospital.
Barney: Well, hey, maybe we'll get to see her X-rays. The ultimate strip show. X-rays. More like triple X-rays.
Marshall: Just stop.

Lily: Thank you so much, Margaret. I can't believe you carved that crucifix yourself.
Janice: So talented.

Treasure: It's broken. Oh, damn it, this is bad. I really can't lose this job. My daughters are about to start school, and my fiancé, well... ever since he got back from Iraq, pretty much all he does is drink. I think about leaving him, but I don't want my girls growing up without a dad like I did. I don't want them to know what that's like.
Barney: So, show time?
Ted: What is the matter with you?
Barney: Her ankle's broken. I know for a fact that the second half of her act takes place largely in a seated or supine position.
Treasure: Oh, that's true.

Barney: Man, what a show, huh? She did some disgusting stuff. Really sticks with you.
Ted: I may be done eating.
Marshall: Me, too.
Ted: I mean, like, forever.
Marshall: Me, too.

Barney: Hey, let's go around the table and say what our favorite part was. Mine was that thing with the typewriter. I mean, she made some spelling mistakes, but still. Ooh, and you guys were all, "Barney, put out the cigar! It's a non-smoking room!" And I was all, "Hell, no, this is a Cuban!" Of course, eventually, I did put it out. Did I put it out? I put it out. Did I put it out? I put it out. [fire engine sounds] Did I put it out?
Future Ted: [v.o.] It was a small fire, not even big enough to force an evacuation of the hotel, but definitely big enough to get us kicked out, and bring Marshall's bachelor party to an early end.

Ted: Is that...?
Marshall: It is.
Brad: [enters car, shirtless] Hey, guys. How was the fight?

Robin: Hey, what are you guys doing here? What happened to the bachelor party?
Ted: We missed the fight, dinner was ruined, we spent half the night in the hospital, and got kicked out of the hotel. What do you think happened?
Lily: Barney.
Ted: Barney.
Barney: Hey, I was just trying to be a good best man.

Marshall: You know what a best man does, Barney? He does what the groom wants. But all you ever think about is what you want, what's best for you. Best man? I'm not even sure I'm inviting you to the wedding at this point.
Barney: You don't mean that.
Marshall: Why should I invite you? You don't even want us to get married.
Lily: That's not true.
Barney: Lily, don't.
Marshall: What?
Lily: I'm sorry, Barney. It happened last summer when we were broken up.

Ted: Actually, we're, uh, we're thinking of skipping the strippers.
Barney: You... you want to have a party without strippers.
Future Ted: [v.o.] This was the worse thing I could have said. You see, uncle Barney loved cooking up bachelor parties. And it was always the same recipe. You start with a slightly cramped hotel suite. Arrange the chairs in a circle. Fill them with your closest friends. Turn the heat up to about 90. Pump in a metric ton of cigar smoke. And then, right in the middle of the room, you throw in a girl. But not a beautiful girl. No, if this girl was ever beautiful, it was two kids, three tattoos and one pesky substance abuse problem ago.