Marshall: You really did that?
Ted: Marshall, I think Barney's your best man.
Marshall: Yeah. Yes, he is.
Barney: See, Lily? This is why I didn't... Really?
Marshall: Really.
Barney: Real... [to Ted] In your face, loser!
Marshall: Take it easy, all right. Ted's still my best man, too. You guys are co-best men.
Barney: Right. Yes, we're both best man. [winks]
Marshall: No, um, seriously. You guys are co-best men.
Barney: Of course. [winks]

Ted: Look, I know you have some stuff planned for Marshall's bachelor party, but he really doesn't want strippers.
Barney: Yes, he does.
Ted: Uh, well, he told me he doesn't.
Barney: Uh, well, he told me he does.
Ted: When?
Barney: Every minute of every day as his inner animal thrashes against the cage of his own puritanical upbringing.

Ted: This is important to Marshall. So, promise me, no strippers.
Barney: All right, I promise.
Ted: I'm serious.
Barney: So am I. No strippers.
Ted: Now say it without winking.
Barney: No strippers. [winks]
Ted: You just winked.
Barney: No I didn't. [winks]

Barney: Oh, what's this? This car has a DVD player? You mean, we could have been watching these pornos the whole time?
Brad: Yeah.
Stuart: This one's in HD.
Barney: This one's in H-double-D. Oh!

Lily: Robin, this is my mom, Janice.
Janice: Oh, honey. I'm so glad to finally meet you.
Robin: Me too. I, I've heard so much about you.
Janice: Me, too. Oh, here. Let me take your gift. Can I guess what it is? Is it a, a, a mini food processor?
Robin: No.
Janice: No? Oh. Oh, give me a hint. What color is it?
Robin: Black.
Janice: Well, I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see!
Robin: Oh, great.

Lily: Robin, this is my Cousin Margaret.
Robin: Oh, finally, someone our own age!
Lily: Wait, do I introduce you as "Cousin Margaret" or "Sister Margaret?"
Margaret: Well, I'm not officially confirmed as a nun until next month and I don't want to tick off the Big Guy, so let's stick with "Cousin" for now.
Robin: God's watching. Excellent!

Barney: Hi. We're still going to Atlantic City, right?
Ted: Oh, did I not tell you? Yeah, we switched it. We're going to Foxwoods.
Barney: Foxwoods? But I've got an ipperstray waiting in tlanticaay itycay. What the heck's in Foxwoods?
Ted: Well, we've got five third row seats to the Popinski-Salazar rematch. They've set aside our very own craps table, and I reserved a private room for us at Connelly's, where the five of us are going to be sharing a 102-ounce steak from a cow that I picked out on the Internet.
Marshall: Yeah.
Barney: Great. The night's ruined.
Ted: Sorry, Barney. It was an honest mistake. [clicks]

Marshall: I can't believe that you did this.
Barney: I had to. I'm your best man.
Marshall: Ted's my best man.
Barney: You've yet to make a decision and that's fine. But as your best-man-to-be, it's my job to make sure at your bachelor party you see a woman take her clothes off while dancing to Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again."

Margaret: What are you doing?
Robin: Oh, just, um... rearranging the gifts. The pile looked a bit precarious. So...
Margaret: Oh, don't worry, I'll keep an eye on it.
Robin: Great. You do that. You're gonna make a damn good nun.

Future Ted: [v.o.] As many times as Robin told this story over the years, she would never quite be able to explain the logic of her next move.
[Robin switches the cards on top of two similarly-wrapped gifts]