Marshall: I don't want anything like that happening to me. Stuart's still trying to forget that night. It's my bachelor party. We're not having strippers.
Barney: Oh, he thinks he has a say in it. So, strippers it is! Now, just, uh, tell me where we're going to be and I'll make some calls.
Ted: Barney, there is...
Barney: Before you say no, it has attachments.

Barney: Or do you guys not like naked girls.
Ted: Um, we love naked girls. They're one of the best things in the world. It goes: naked girls, democracy, the scene in Every Which Way But Loose where the monkey gives a guy the finger.

Brad: Man, they spent a lot of money on this porno.
Marshall: Whoa. Morgan Freeman? Man, that guy's in everything.
Barney: Aw, man, I grabbed the wrong Deep Impact!
Marshall: No, leave it in, it's a good movie.
Brad: But, dude, there's no sex in it.
Stuart: Yeah, just like marriage. Huh? Right?

Marshall: This is going to be great! Meat, violence, throwing money down the toilet. America, one; every other country, zero.

Marshall: All right, fine, but... let's make it fast, all right. The fight starts in an hour we don't want to miss it.
Ted: It's a girl taking her clothes off. How long can it take?
Barney: It's a bit more complicated than that.
Fortune: I need two grounded sockets, a large sterile pot filled with hot water and you all need to sign these releases.

Marshall: Treasure, please, don't worry about the show.
Ted: Uh, we'd feel bad.
Treasure: What does that mean?
Marshall: No. We just mean, uh, you're off the hook. You don't have to do it.
Treasure: I don't have to do it? Well, guess what? I know I don't have to do it. I do it because I am good at it. Look, I don't need your pity. All I want to do is give you a great show because you're getting married! Is that so much to ask? Is that such a major inconvenience?!
[later, Fortune performs with her ankle in a cast:]
Marshall: Oh, that is wrong. Oh, that's just so wrong.
Ted: Well, the doctor did say for her to keep it elevated.
[Barney turns on the smoke machine]

Ted: We just don't like your naked girls.
Barney: What, my girls aren't hot enough? I mean, all right, fine, the stripper at Stuart's bachelor party was a 15.
Ted: She was 15?
Barney: No, a 15. Like in blackjack.
Ted: As in, not sure whether you'd hit it?
Barney: Exactly.