Lily: Oh, good. Did you get the veil?
Barney: Of course.
Marshall: And it took us exactly 18 minutes. We went to a strip club.
Ted: Dude!
Barney: Unbelievable!
Marshall: We weren't there for very long. It's not like I had time to have a lap dance or anything. I got a lap dance.
Lily: Aw, your last lap dance ever.
Marshall: Right. What?

Lily: Is there any way that we could get a license today?
Woman: You could go to the courthouse. In some extreme circumstances, the waiting period can be waived, but you have to have a good reason.
Lily: Well, we're in love.
Marshall: What better reason could there be?
Woman: The last one I heard was, "I'm going to Iraq tomorrow to defend my country," but, you know, give yours a whirl.

Robin: Can't believe they're getting married.
Ted: I know. I am so proud of these two. After all they've been through. In fact, that crazy road has led them all the way here to Atlantic City...
Robin: Ted, up here.
Ted: Um?
Robin: You were just staring at my shirt boobs.
Ted: No! I wasn't. I was checking out the hot body underneath the shirt. Okay, look, maybe I was looking at your shirt, but it's a, it's a funny, funny shirt.

Marshall: Hi. Hello. Uh, we need a marriage license, but we need to skip the waiting period because... We're in love.
Registrar: Aw. I'm gonna waive this waiting period right now.
Lily: Oh, really?!
Registrar: Is what I would say if I could waive the waiting period, but unfortunately, only a judge can do that.
Lily: Oh. Well, so can we see a judge?
Registrar: Absolutely.
Lily: Really?!
Registrar: Is what I would say if there was any chance of you seeing a judge today, which there isn't.
Marshall: Why are you doing this to us?!
Registrar: 'Cause you're on Candid Camera!
Robin: Really?!
Registrar: Is what I would say...
Marshall: You know what? We get it.

Ted: Psst.
Robin: What? Here?
Ted: Yeah. Got a little time to kill.
Robin: Oh, my God, it's the T-shirt, isn't it?
Ted: No. A little.
Robin: Something is seriously wrong with you.
Ted: So what, is that a no?
Robin: All right, let's do it.
Ted: All right. Um, also...?
Robin: Yes, I'll leave it on.
Ted: Sweet.

Barney: Guys, let's bail. This is never gonna happen.
Lily: Look, I know this is turning into a bit of a disaster, but believe me, it's better than the alternative.
Barney: You throwing a big, free party with lots of booze and food and all your single, desperate girlfriends from college? Yeah, glad we dodged that bullet.

Marshall: Guys. It's looking like this isn't gonna happen.
Lily: No, Marshall, we are gonna get married today.
Marshall: Baby, anyplace we go, we're gonna need a marriage license.
Lily: Except international waters. So let's find a ship captain. A ship captain can marry us. There's boats all over this place.
Ted: Oh, is that what those wooden things are floating between the garbage?

Lily: Well, I found a guy who said he'd be willing to put his boat in my slip, so we're getting closer.

Robin: Okay, Lil, why is it so important to do this today?
Lily: Because if we don't do it today, I just know we're gonna wind up having a huge wedding with a huge crowd full of huge Midwestern people looking all disapproving and judging me while sipping little cups of mayonnaise and cracking runaway bride jokes all night long.
Robin: Nobody's gonna do that.
Lily: No, they're not because I'm not gonna give them the chance. I'm gonna find a ship captain and we're gonna be married tonight.

Barney: I can get us that money.
Ted: How?
Barney: Have you noticed that all day today Chinese guys have been coming up and saying hi to me?
Ted: Yes. Have you noticed I haven't asked about it because I'm too scared of the answer?
Barney: Well, those are my old gambling buddies. Truth is, I used to come here all the time. Play an old Chinese game called "Xing Hai Shi Bu Xing". Had a small gambling problem. Actually, it wasn't so small. I kind of lost my entire life's savings. But tonight, I don't know, I'm feeling hot. I think I can win us that money.
Robin: No, we're not letting you gamble all our money away.
Barney: Uh, it's not gambling if you absolutely know you're going to win. I'll get us that money. I swear it, nay... I oath it.