Tim: What exactly do you know about this woman? Ph.D., a couple of kids - what about the important things? What kind of car does she drive?
Jill: I don't know. Some sort of station wagon.
Tim: Oh, no, no, no, no, no! I dated a station wagon once. It was a nightmare.
Jill: Tim, I'm setting her up with Wilson, not with you.
Tim: Well, if she's lonely, have her get her own Wilson.
Jill: Aha! I see what's going on here. You're afraid that if Wilson spends time with Judith, he's not gonna have any time for you.
Tim: If they got married and went on honeymoon, who would I talk to? It could be a very difficult week for me.
Jill: Well, that's true, because then we'd have to talk, and that would be a very difficult week for me.

Jill: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, neighborette.
Jill: What are you doing?
Wilson: Well, I'm hanging replicas of ancient clay bells from Crete. They're supposed to attract friendly spirits.
Jill: Well, what do you know? Here I am. [Wilson chuckles] I know we're supposed to come to you for dinner tomorrow, but I was wondering if you'd like to come over to ours instead.
Wilson: Well, I do appreciate the invite, but I've already made the koftas for my Malai Kofta curry.
Jill: Ah, I just wanted to introduce you to this professor that I really like.
Wilson: Well, I have a cornucopia of koftas. Why doesn't the good professor come to my place?
Jill: That would be great.

Jill: You are really gonna like her, Wilson.
Wilson: Her?
Jill: Yeah. She is incredible. She's funny, and smart, extremely attractive, and extremely available.
Wilson: Jill, this wouldn't by any chance be a setup, would it?
Jill: A setup? No. No, no, no. Definitely not a setup.
Wilson: Well, I guess it'd be OK, as long as there's no pressure.
Jill: Absolutely none.
Wilson: Good.
Jill: Although, you might wanna wear those gray slacks you have and that blue sweater that brings out the color blue in your eyes. And you should puff up your hair, 'cause you get that hat-head thing.

Wilson: Welcome, Taylors! My, my, my, what a lovely bromeliad.
Tim: Wilson, I'm sorry Jill roped you into this.
Jill: I did not rope him into this. He's excited. Aren't you excited?
Wilson: Well, actually, I'm quite nervous. I haven't really dated in 20 years.
Tim: Well, I can give you some pointers.
Jill: Oh, great. This from the man who, on our first date, brought me a bouquet of spark plugs.

Jill: Judith, this is my husband, Tim.
Tim: Hello, Judith.
Judith: Nice to meet you.
Tim: Nice to meet you. How's Jill at school? Does she listen to and follow directions? Work and play with others?
Judith: Yes, but she gets a little rambunctious during nap time. [Jill laughs]
Tim: You should see her at home. [laughs] Whoa!

Judith: I can't believe you actually read my book.
Wilson: Well, I've got it right here, I'll show you. Boy, we'll have to talk some insects over dinner.
Tim: Yeah. 'Cause usually over here we eat insects for dinner. [puts down the cocktail wiener]

Wilson: [sings] You made me love you I didn't want to do it I didn't want to do it You made me want you And all the time you knew it You know you really knew it
Tim: You're darn right... I knew it.
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, Tim.
Tim: Hi, there, Wilson. Boy, I haven't seen much of you in a couple of weeks.
Wilson: Well, I've been spending a lot of time with Judith. As a matter of fact, I'm sculpting her bust right now.

Wilson: Tim, is there something you want to tell me?
Tim: No, there's something Jill wants me to tell you. Uh... Judith is having a problem.
Wilson: What kind of a problem? Is she all right?
Tim: Oh, she's fine. The problem is with you.
Wilson: I don't understand. Things were going so well. We even made plans to go to the Megalesia Festival to commemorate the end of the Punic War.
Tim: She... She says that... She told Jill that she doesn't even think she knows you. That every time she tries to get you to open up you just say something intellectual.
Wilson: Oh, my, my, my. I must be displaying the symptomatic behavior of the classic male emotional distancer, precipitating her to overfunction in the relationship, therefore causing deep-seated resentment.
Tim: So knock it off.

Wilson: Well, Tim, I don't take easily to personal or emotional revelation.
Tim: No guy does. Opening up emotionally is just a horrible thing women make us do.
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm just not sure that I can do that.
Tim: Yes, you can. Just use the word "feel" more. You know, like, "I feel hungry." "I feel tired." "I feel big." "I feel small." "I feel bloated."
Wilson: Tim, I think that Judith and I weren't meant to be.
Tim: To be or not to be, that is not the question. You've got to learn how to open up to this woman, otherwise you're gonna be all by yourself at that milk of magnesia festival.

Wilson: You know, Judith... I've never been open with a woman since my wife died. But I would really like to try with you.
Judith: I'd like that too.
Wilson: Well, maybe we can talk about it tomorrow at the Megalesia Festival. If you still want to go.
Judith: I wouldn't want to celebrate the end of the Punic War with anyone else. Even though I have absolutely no idea what the Punic War was.
Wilson: Well, actually, it's fascinating. It was when Rome saved itself by... Oh, who the hell cares? They'll have beer. You know, Judith, not to bore you with more facts... but primitive man believed that the air he breathed had magic powers.
Judith: I'm not bored.
Wilson: And when a man and a woman kissed, it was as if their souls were mingling.