Tim: Let's welcome back to the show a fully repaired and healed-up Mr. Bob Vila.
[When Tim and Al open the door, Bob Vila is wearing a hard hat. As Tim goes to shake his hand, Bob backs away and gives him a wave]
Tim: It's not like I'm gonna hit ya.
Bob Vila: I'll just hang back here with Al, all right?
Tim: Fine, fine. 'cause I'm a humble enough guy to admit when I've made a mistake. And we had a bad accident on the show last time. And I want to say that I take full blame for that.
Bob Vila: [standing behind Al] Tim, I accept your apology. Can I go now?

Tim: Well, I was hoping you'd help us put in the wall switch.
Bob Vila: Well, you're the expert, Tim. You really should install the switch.
Tim: Well, I have to be humble enough to say that I really don't know all there is to know about home repair.
Al: Well, Tim, you surprise me.
Tim: Oh, come on, Al. This is Bob Vila, the big kahuna of home repair, and I think the audience would like to see him in action. What do you think, folks? Come on. [audience cheers]
Bob Vila: Well, what the heck. I mean, electrical work is not my strong point, Tim, but this is pretty simple stuff. I assume you've knocked out the hole and fed the wires through there.
Tim: That would be these three here.
Bob Vila: And then the very important thing is to make sure they're clamped down securely with a lock nut connector.
Tim: I was in Scotland this year, and I actually saw the lock nut connector. [Bob and Al are silent]

Tim: Oh, come on, you guys. What the heck. I'll put it in.
Bob Vila: Go for it.
Tim: It's a simple socket switch. Wiring is very simple. I just thought Bob'd like to take a shot at it. Wiring is very simple with these... I got a little... There. OK. Now, green, of course, like the ground, is green. White is hot and... No, white... Well, hot... What is this one here? [sparks fly]
[Tim's body spasms as he awkwardly makes his way though the doors]
Tim: [screams]

Tim: Nice going, Al.
Al: It wasn't my fault.
Tim: Yes, it was.
Al: No, it wasn't.
Tim: Thanks for wrecking another show, Al.
Al: Well, you're the one that stuck your foot in the joint compound, Tim.
Tim: That you left right behind me on purpose.
Al: I did not.
Tim: Did too.
Al: Not.
Tim: Too!

Mr. Binford: Boy, have I got a surprise for you.
Tim: Well, great, boss.
Mr. Binford: Guess who's gonna be on the show tomorrow afternoon. Bob Vila.
Al: Really?
Mr. Binford: Hell of a idea, isn't it?
Tim: Great. He's the pioneer of home repair.

Mr. Binford: Oops. I see a vision. A competition.
Tim: A competition?
Mr. Binford: Friendly but fierce. Between our Taylor and Bob Vila. We'll call it "Stump the Tool Man".
Al: A very good idea, Mr. Binford.
Mr. Binford: Don't suck up to me, Borland.
Tim: Every red-blooded male will be calling in, wanting to know if Taylor or Bob Vila is king of the home repair.
Tim: John, do we really need competition on the show?
Mr. Binford: You're not afraid, are you, Timmy?
Tim: Of Bob Vila? No, no, no.
Mr. Binford: Good. You'll represent me - be selling a hell of lot of tools. Have yourself a good time and kick Bob's butt.

Jill: Randall William Taylor, get in here. I wanna talk to you.
Tim: Middle name. He's in trouble.
Jill: Randy yanked the shoes off of a kid at school and filled them with Cheez Whiz.
Randy: Mom, you don't understand. He's a total geek.
Jill: Don't call him that.
Randy: What am I supposed to call him?
Tim: How about "the whiz kid"?
Jill: Tim!
Tim: Well, cheese and everything...

Tim: Welcome, everybody. This is Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And welcome to a special live edition of Tool Time. Today on the show we're...
Al: It's special because we have a very special guest.
Tim: Why don't we let the audience decide how special the guest is, Al?

Tim: Well, why don't we get started. Bob, you can sit down over here. Before we get to our project, we have a little friendly competition called "Stump the Tool Man."
Bob Vila: Oh, that'll be fun.
Tim: It sure will. Now, if you have any questions about home improvement or tools. I want you to call 555-TOOL.
Al: That's 555 T-O-O-L.

Tim: This isn't fair. We should get a question we have an equal chance of answering. Why... why don't we go to a female caller? [Tim scratches his neck]
Man #1: [on the phone] Hello?
Tim: Is there a female caller there?
Man #2: [on the phone] Timbo, is that you? I got this...
Man #3: [on the phone] Is this Tim Taylor?
Tim: Do we have a female caller out there?