Jill: Randy, have you seen a piece of paper with a phone number on it?
Randy: No, Mom.
Curtis: [on the phone] Yes, Mother, I'm having a very nice time. No, our house is definitely cleaner.
Jill: Curtis, have you seen a piece of paper with a phone number on it?
Curtis: I threw my gum away in it. [on the phone] Yes, Mother. She's very nice. No, much heavier than you. [Jill hangs up the phone] Mother? Mother?

Mr. Binford: Just what in the world do you think you're doing? You've associated the name of Binford Tools with the killing of Bob Vila!
Tim: That's a little harsh, the word "kill", isn't it? I winged the guy.
Mr. Binford: I started this company with one wrench and the sweat of my brow. I'm not about to flush it down the crapper now.
Tim: You don't understand.
Mr. Binford: No, you don't understand. I've got six daughters and nobody wants to marry 'em.
Al: Mr. Binford, I always thought Maureen was quite lovely.
Mr. Binford: Can it, Borland.

Tim: Well, Al. I hope you're satisfied.
Al: Well, what did I do?
Tim: Well, you distracted me. That's why I whacked him, Mr. Negativity.
Al: I think you did this on purpose because he beat you at "Stump the Tool Man".
Tim: Oh, come on. He didn't beat me.
Al: You even cheated. You had Jill call in.
Tim: That wasn't Jill.
Al: I would never have my wife call in.
Tim: Well, you don't have to worry about that since you'll never be married. Al, that came out wrong. I didn't mean it like that. You'll have a wife one of these days. If you don't, you'll have a girlfriend. Somebody who really likes you. Not just some desperate woman. [Al walks off] Boy, he's so sensitive.

Jill: Mr. Binford thinks that you should work things out with Bob... on the air.
Tim: Work what out? It was Al's fault. He distracted me and I hit him. How many times do I have to tell people?
Jill: Don't get snippy with me, I didn't hit him with a four-by-four.
Tim: It was a four-by-eight.

Tim: I have a rough day. I come home looking for a little support.
Jill: You had a rough day? I got stuck in this house all day with that little... Curtis.
Curtis: Mrs. Taylor, after seeing Randy's room. I don't think my mom would want me to eat here.
Jill: What a shame. Well... goodbye.
Curtis: It's starting to get dark. Could someone drive me home? [Jill is silent]
Tim: Get your coat. I better run you home.
Jill: If you're gonna drive him home, make sure there are air holes in the trunk.

Tim: Howdy, Wilson.
Wilson: Hi-ho, neighbor.
Tim: What are you cooking?
Wilson: Boiling up some willow bark. It's an old folk remedy for a headache.
Tim: Well, I got aspirin.
Wilson: No, Tim, it wouldn't be the same. Mankind may have given me the headache, but nature will take it away.

Tim: Well, we've finished putting in that door. And something is still missing. The light switch to our beautiful chandelier. But before we install the light switch, I'd like to point out another bright spot. My assistant, Al, who is a very special guy.
Al: Well, thank you, Tim.
Tim: And I'd also like to mention to you ladies that he's single and very available.

Brad: Curtis is coming!
Randy: Oh, no.
Brad: Curtis is coming!
Jill: Brad, get the lights. Everybody hide. Ssh, ssh. Don't make a sound.
Curtis: [knocks] [o.s.] Is anybody home? Hello! I saw your lights on! My mom said I could stay overnight! But you have to let me in first! I know you're in there! Hello!