Bob Vila: What a great audience. A just wonderful audience. Thank you. It's just so great to be here on your show, Jim.
Tim: It's Tim. I'd like you to meet my assistant.
Bob Vila: Oh, Al and I've met. How you doing? Good to see you again.
Al: The pleasure is mine, Mr. Vila.
Bob Vila: Call me Bob.
Al: I can't.

Tim: Anyway, the best way to fix a nail hole would be use joint compound. Get a putty knife...
Bob Vila: Uh, I really think spackle would be a better idea.
Al: I agree with Mr. Vila.
Tim: I'm sure you do, Al.
Bob Vila: Clarence, you want to use the spackle with that putty knife and very carefully fill in all those little holes. Then sand them smooth and touch them up with paint. The walls will be like new.
Al: Well, I believe this round goes to Mr. Vila.
Tim: We're not keeping score, Al.
Al: I am.

Chet: [on the phone] Well, I was wondering... I'm remodeling my house. And I would like to know what was the name of that wood that you used on the ceiling of that old cracker house in Naples, Florida?
Tim: What?
Bob Vila: The house we had on the show. Yeah, that was pecky cypress.
Chet: Thanks, Bob.
Al: I believe that's two points for Mr. Vila.
Tim: Well, how am I supposed to know that?
Al: Perhaps if you watched Mr. Vila's show...

Randy: What's going on?
Jill: Bob Vila agreed to be on the show tomorrow.
Curtis: Why? Does he want to get hit in the head again?
Jill: No, Curtis.
Curtis: Don't you think you're cooking the carrots too long?
Jill: No, I don't, Curtis.
Curtis: I don't like them when they're soggy.
Jill: They're not going to get soggy, Curtis.
Curtis: We should have a green vegetable with those. Zucchini would be nice.
Jill: You know what would really be nice, Curtis? If you would just shut the...
Randy: Say it, Mom.

Wilson: Bad day today, Tim?
Tim: The worst. I yell at Jill, I insult Al, and I knocked a guest out on my show with a four-by-eight.
Wilson: Hmm-mm-mm. That is a bad day.
Tim: Well...
Wilson: Who was your guest, by the way?
Tim: You wouldn't know him. He's the pioneer of home repair.
Wilson: Oh, you mean Bob Vila!
Tim: You know him?
Wilson: Oh, everybody knows Bob.

Tim: Okay, honey. Ask me another one.
Jill: All right. One more, and that is all. What is an adze? A-d-z-e.
Tim: That's a tool?
Jill: Yeah, it's right here. "Adze: a medieval wood-shaping tool."
Tim: Oh, get real. What are the chances somebody will call and ask about that?
Jill: Might be good, if I'm the one calling.
Tim: Hey, hey, hey... Pretty sly.
Jill: What are the chances Bob Vila's gonna know that?

Curtis: May I please have something to drink?
Jill: Yeah, Randy, would you get your guest a soda?
Curtis: Mrs. Taylor, you look a lot older than my mom. How old are you?
Jill: Old enough not to answer that question.
Curtis: That's what my grandma says.

Tim: Hi, Clarence. What's your problem?
Clarence: [on the phone] My wife is always changing her mind where pictures should be hung.
Tim: Hey, we can't help with that. Women can never make up their minds, can they?
Clarence: Tell me about it. Our walls are so full of holes, they're starting to look like Swiss cheese. Got any ideas?
Tim: Oh, yeah, I'd slap some ham on that wall and have a sandwich. [laughs] Uh... you know, the cheese and...

Chet: [on the phone] Tim, I try to catch your show whenever I can.
Tim: Thank you, Chet, I appreciate that.
Chet: And, Bob, I never miss yours.
Bob Vila: Hey, thanks a lot.
Chet: Yeah, I'm looking forward to your new book.
Tim: Quit the chitchat, Chet, and let's get with that question.

Jill: Are you OK?
Tim: Yeah, I just hope I don't hear the name Bob Vila again.
Jill: Well, Mr. Binford called.
Tim: God. What now?
Jill: Somebody has agreed to come back and be on the show. I'm not saying who, but it was someone you hit with a board.
Tim: Bob Vila?
Jill: Is there somebody else?
Tim: No, Jill. I'm cutting back. I'm just knocking out one guy a week now.