Tim: The bad news? Wilson's actually mad at his cousins because they never let him write lyrics for the band. Good news? I got the autographed picture of The Beach Boys you wanted.
Jill: Oh, right. "Dear Jill, you're married to a great man, and you don't need any more jewelry?"
Tim: I didn't say a word.

Mark: That was so cool in the shoe store. It was like I was somebody else.
Randy: And yet all those other times when we wanted you to be someone else, nothing.

Jill: Mark, we don't let you take karate so you can use it.
Mark: Then why am I taking it?
Jill: So you'll have the confidence of knowing you can defend yourself if you have to, but you shouldn't because you shouldn't get into a situation where you have to use it.

Jill: [to Randy] Well, honey, we saw the paper. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong. Even if you are, you shouldn't be ashamed because there's no shame in being ashamed.
Tim, Brad & Randy: Huh?

Tim: Oh, Al. I almost forgot. Got that autographed picture of The Beach Boys for your mom.
Al: Oh, wow! Thank you. She will be so appreciative. Uh... "To Al's mom. Our biggest fan... by a wide margin." Did you tell them that my mother was weight-challenged?
Tim: No. I just told them what to write.
Al: Well, I can't put this on her wall now!
Tim: Well, put it on the floor. She'll never see it.
Heidi: [on video monitor] Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Woo-hoo!
Al: You know, she's losing weight.
Tim: I know she's losing weight. I'm just joking about this... [both arguing]

Al: All right, A.J. Why don't you show us a bit about these tools you're developing?
A.J. Sanderson: Well, there is nothing more cutting-edge than the new Binford air-powered scissors. [whirs] They operate on 80 PSI of compressed air which allows the blades to close with 70 pounds of force.
Al: Seventy pounds? That means you could cut through fiberglass. You can cut through carpeting. Even sheet metal.
Tim: Hey, Al, these'd be good. Next time you lose the keys to your lunch box, you won't have to bite through it.
A.J. Sanderson: Also brand new is our laser tape measure, our laser levels and our combination laser shrimp de-veiner and nose-hair clipper.
Tim: Nyah!
Al: You know, my mother's birthday is coming up soon. [takes the d-veiner]

Tim: You guys are doing a lot with lasers. Any truth to the rumor about a laser toilet?
A.J. Sanderson: We're keeping a tight lid on that one. But I can show you something that is still in the experimental stages. A high-powered laser tree pruner.
Al: Are you saying you can cut a tree limb with a laser beam?
A.J. Sanderson: That's right.
Tim: Adjustable. That's nice. I see you got a laser fixed up here. Now, how does it operate? I just point it to the tree limb and say "timber?"
A.J. Sanderson: Yeah, and press that button. Now, you won't be able to see the beam, so be careful where you aim it.
Tim: All right. So...
[When Tim shudders after successfully lasering down a tree branch, he takes down a mounted photograph and a bookshelf too]

Mike Love: Wilson, man, what a cool flute! You mind if I play it?
Wilson: No, Michael. I would appreciate it if you would keep your hands off my shakuhachi.
Mike Love: Man, am I glad we only get together with you once a year!

Tim: Hey, great news! I gave Wilson some advice. I think he may patch things up with The Beach Boys.
Randy: Well, great. Maybe your advice could help me with Lauren.
Tim: All right. Here it is. If all you know is termites, don't go surfing in Kokomo. Perhaps that doesn't apply here.

Lauren: "Real Men Don't Hit. By Randy Taylor. Real men don't hit. They roll with the punches."
[back home:]
Jill: "In a moment of humiliation, I lashed out and struck my fellow man. But now I realize that violence is not the answer."
Tim: This is great, Randy. She's gonna think you really mean this.
Randy: Dad, I do.
Tim: Even better.
Jill: "I learned the error of my ways from the wisdom of my father..."
Tim: Much better.
Jill: "...a man who's humiliated himself more than any human being on the planet."