TV Quotes

Tim: Well, how would you like it if you were in an auction and some other neighbor behind a fence made 400 more dollars than you?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'd be hi-de-hurt.
Tim: That's how I felt. I started doubting myself you know? I felt worthless.
Wilson: Well, Tim, it's been said that when a foot compares itself to a yard it always comes up short.
Tim: So you're saying that Vila's the yard, and I'm the foot, and he's better than me, right?
Wilson: Well, only if you perceive him as being better. OK. A philosopher once said, "If you place a small value on yourself, rest assured the world will not raise your price." [chuckles]
Tim: But if I believe in myself I could win this.
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. If you believe in yourself you've already won.

Randy: Good work, Dad. It's so quiet, you can't even tell it's running.
Tim: It's the solenoid, I think.
Jill: Hey, guys. How's it going?
Randy: Dad's taking a ride in the hot rod. Hey, Dad, slow down! Let Mom get in!
Tim: I'm telling you, please pipe down.
Randy: Uh-oh, there's someone on your tail. Is it Bob Vila? No, it's a little kid on a tricycle.
Tim: Would you shut up?

Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".

Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.