Al: Well, here's another tool I'm hog-wild about. This is an antique sausage stuffer.
Tim: Very simple. The casing goes on this end, put your ground-up meat in here, push the plunger down and you got yourself a custom-made kielbasa.
Al: Very few moving parts. It's a nice, well-made tool. Well, that's it for antique tools...
Tim: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast. You think we'd end this without me showing the audience how I make my own personal brand of sausage?
Al: I prayed.
Tim: Well, I got an old Taylor family recipe. Put the meat in the hopper up here. I use a lean pork shoulder. Little bit of garlic, onion, chives. Then to make it spicy, I go with a little cayenne pepper. [Cajun accent] I guarantee spicy. Jalapeno pepper and a little chili powder.
Al: Sounds like it's gonna be tough on the tummy.
Tim: Way ahead of you, Al. I've got some secret ingredients to help prevent that. All right. We go with a little bit of Maalox. Just a touch. A little bit of this pink stuff just for a dash of color. How about that? Just a touch of Gas Be Gone. Poof! And a little bit of Beano. A soupcon of Beano. And just for safety's sake, I wouldn't eat this stuff near an open flame.

Jill: All right! I got that interview for the research job in the Psych department.
Brad: Where you work in the basement, no windows, no pay?
Jill: Yes! God, I hope I get it!

Tim: Uh, what are you selling?
Saleswoman: Liquid Wonder, the amazing new multi-purpose dirt destroyer. Cleans grease, woodwork, patio furniture, mini-blinds and, oh, so much more.
Tim: I got a whole case of Binford cleaner in the garage.
Saleswoman: But Liquid Wonder has fast-acting sodium metasilicate. [flicks hair]
Tim: Wow. What is that?
Saleswoman: The most potent cleaning ingredient the government allows on the market.
Tim: [laughs] God bless America, huh? I'll take one.
Saleswoman: Just one?
Tim: Case.
Saleswoman: That will be $40.
Tim: OK.
Saleswoman: Thank you so much.
Tim: Well, $40 for a case of this cleaner, it's a steal.

Patty: Hi. Um, has Jill Taylor come out of her interview yet? Because, uh, she's giving me a ride home. I'm running late. I'm always running late. I don't know what it is with me.
Receptionist: I'm the receptionist. I don't care what it is with you.

Jill: If I get this job, not only will I get to work with Dr. Matthews, but my name will be on a research paper.
Patty: [siren wailing] I hate to tell you, but your name is also gonna be on a speeding ticket.
Jill: Oh, no! I can't believe this. I have never gotten a ticket.
Police Officer: Good evening, ma'am. May I please see your driver's license and registration?
Jill: Oh, yes, sir. Absolutely, sir. [Patti chuckles as Jill bends over to grabs her purse from the backseat] It's here somewhere. Let me see. Uh, glasses, uh, hair brush, coupons, uh... Tic Tac?
Police Officer: Just the license and registration.
Patty: Uh, I'll have a Tic Tac.
Police Officer: Ma'am, I clocked you at 75 miles an hour. The maximum speed limit is 65.
Jill: I understand, officer. I am so sorry. I never speed. It's just I was so excited about this job interview I just came from. If I get this job, my name will be on a research paper on the effects of adolescent anti-social behavior on inner-family dynamics. But I guess you've heard that story a thousand times.
Police Officer: Just tonight.
Jill: Officer, um, I know this isn't standard procedure, but could you possibly find it in your heart to just let me off with a warning? [flicks hair] Officer, I will never speed again.
Police Officer: You think you can really be more careful from now on?
Jill: I promise.
Police Officer: Well, I guess I can make an exception and let you off just this once.
Jill: Oh, thank you. Thank you so much!
Police Officer: Don't mention it... to anybody.
Patty: Oh, no.
Jill: No. Good night.

Jill: [chuckles] Boy, was that lucky!
Patty: [laughing] Luck had nothing to do with it. He would have let you off with a dead body in the back.
Jill: What are you talking about?
Patty: I am talking about that incredible job of flirting you just pulled off on that cop.
Jill: I was not flirting.
Patty: Oh, you weren't flirting? What was the hair flip thing about?
Jill: My hair was in my face.
Patty: Oh, really? What about you flashed your butt to get your license? What about that?
Jill: I was just reaching for my purse.
Patty: And how about when you gave him those helpless little-girl eyes? "Officer, I'll never speed again."
Jill: Oh, my God! You're right. I was flirting.
Patty: You were brilliant.
Jill: I can't believe I did that! I just had this argument with Tim about how disgusting it is when women manipulate men that way. God, I hate myself.
Patty: Well, I hate you too. I tried to flirt my way out of a ticket once. I got another one for indecent exposure. I don't want to talk about it.

Police Officer: Good evening again.
Jill: Officer?
Police Officer: I hate to disturb you, Mrs. Taylor, but I accidentally walked off with your driver's license and registration.
Jill: Oh! Thank you. Wait, officer. Um, I've been thinking a lot about what happened today, and I'm really angry at myself for what I did.
Police Officer: Good. Then you won't speed the next time.
Jill: No, wait, wait. Um, I know this is unusual. But I would feel a lot better if you would just go ahead and give me that speeding ticket.
Police Officer: Sorry, ma'am. If I give you a ticket, then I'll have to give a ticket to everybody who wanted one.

Jill: There is an explanation.
Tim: I'm dying to hear it, you know? To the untrained ear, this is gonna sound ridiculous, but it sounded like you were begging a Michigan state trooper to give you a speeding ticket.
Jill: I wasn't begging. I was just asking for what is rightfully mine. I was speeding and he let me off with a warning.
Tim: Ah! So you invited him over here in the hopes that he reconsider.
Jill: No. He was bringing me back my driver's license.
Tim: Huh? There's some part of the picture missing here.
Jill: OK, Tim, I flirted to get out of a ticket.
Tim: Really?
Jill: Really. I'm worse than the... the Liquid Wonder woman.
Tim: Oh. No, no. She was flirting to sell cleaner. Your flirting brought down the entire criminal justice system. Congratulations!

Jill: Do you know anything about that woman?
Receptionist: I know that she has a 4.0 average and a skirt that's five inches too short.
Jill: Skirt. [hikes up her skirt, unbuttons her shirt]
Receptionist: What are you doing?
Jill: I'm cashing in my pom-poms for the keys to the stadium. [removes hair band and flips hair]
Dr. Matthews: Jill?
Jill: Hi. Uh... I'm just gonna need a few more minutes here.

Dr. Matthews: Back to our old look, are we?
Jill: Yes, we are. You know, I wavered for a minute there. But, um, the truth is I object to women who flaunt their sexuality to get something. I know because I have been one of those women at least three times this week.
Dr. Matthews: I'm not sure I follow. Look, I don't want to get this job based on how well I flirt. I have worked too hard for that. I have excellent grades, top skills in data analysis and research. I have led three study groups. And there is not a professor that wouldn't give me a great reference.
Dr. Matthews: Jill...
Jill: If I get this job, I want it to be based on merit and not on this. [hikes skirt]
Dr. Matthews: What makes you so sure I'm not gonna base this on merit?
Jill: Well, I don't know that. I mean, I'm not, you know, absolutely... sure. [clears throat] OK, here's the deal. This all started when my husband bought this Wonder Cleaning stuff from this really, super sexy saleswoman. She was doing that hair flip thing. And then I got stopped for speeding. And I did the hair flip thing. Then I saw Brenda. She's doing the hair flip, so...
Dr. Matthews: Jill, this may shock you, but there are men who hire women based on qualifications and not on how well they flirt.
Jill: And you would be one of those men. It is so nice to meet you. I knew the moment I saw you you would be a man of great character and wisdom.
Dr. Matthews: And I don't hire based on flattery either.
Jill: No, of course not!