Jill: It went well. They're gonna bring me to meet Dr. Matthews.
Patty: Oh. Well, you're a shoo-in. You know more about psychology than half of the professors here. How do you know so much about abnormal behavior?
Jill: Have you met my husband?

Tim: Hi again, and welcome back to Tool Time.
Al: Where we continue our look at antique tools.
Tim: These beautiful, handcrafted, antique tools came from a time when more power meant manpower. [grunts]
Al: Now, over here, we have two pedal-powered machines. This happens to be a pedal-powered scroll saw.
Tim: Over here is a lathe. Let me show you how this works. Take a seat here. Now, say you're making a table leg.
Al: You're making a table leg. [laughs]
Tim: It's like an exercise bike. While you're shaping your leg, your leg's getting shaped. [imitates Pee-wee Herman laugh]
Al: Now, over here we have an old rope-making machine. You simply turn the crank and three pieces of twine become one piece of rope.
Tim: In the time before television, families would sit around the rope machine and watch knots landing.

Tim: Tell us about this, Al.
Al: Well, this is an old hog oiler.
Tim: Now, how does this compare with the one in your mom's house?
Al: You see, the way these work is the hog comes up and it rubs against the rollers like so. And the skin becomes moist.
Tim: Oh. So, the hog actually looks at this as kind of an "oinkment." [Al laughs]

Brad: Hello.
Saleswoman: Hello. I'd like to speak to the man or the woman of the house.
Brad: I'm the man of the house.
Saleswoman: May I ask what you're using to solve your tough cleaning problems?
Tim: His mother. What have I told you about talking to solicitors, Brad? You want to be as warm and friendly as possible. I'll handle this.
Brad: But, Dad...
Tim: Brad.
Brad: Uh, I go to Lakeside High. Stop by sometime. It's filthy.

Jill: Tim, that woman flirted with you so you'd buy her product. You totally fell for it.
Tim: I didn't fall for anything. I just wanted some good cleaner and to help my country.
Jill: You have a whole garage full of Binford cleaner.
Tim: Yeah, but not like this. Honey, this is the most powerful cleaning agent approved for use during peacetime.
Jill: Would you have bought all that cleaner it had been a man at the door?
Tim: Yes. As long as it had sodium Metamucil in it.

Mark: Why do we have to clean all day?
Tim: Because I like a clean house.
Randy: No. Because you got suckered into buying 40 bucks of lemon-scented water.
Tim: Lemon-scented water with sodium meta-silverfish in it.

Jill: Tim, it was entirely subconscious. I'm ashamed of what I did.
Tim: Don't be ashamed of it. You give the guy a wink and you keep our insurance rates down. I wish I could do that.
Jill: What are you talking about?
Tim: If I had great legs, I could drive as fast as I wanted to.
Jill: You are entirely missing the point!
Tim: The point is if I were a sexy woman, my life would be a lot easier.
Randy: And mine would be a lot more screwed up.

Wilson: Hidy-ho, neighborette. May I ask why you thrash your trash?
Jill: I flirted to get out of a traffic ticket today. I sunk to the level of that saleswoman who sold Tim a whole case of useless cleaner.
Wilson: Oh, you mean Liquid Wonder? I bought a whole case myself.
Jill: From the Liquid Wonder tramp?
Wilson: Well, that is no way to talk about Cathy.
Jill: Cathy. Oh, Wilson.

Wilson: Well, Jill, unfortunately, everybody, at some time or another, is susceptible to the wiles of the opposite sex.
Jill: Well, I come from the old school of feminism. I don't want to be wily. You know that I wasn't even aware I was flirting with that cop. For all I know, I may have been doing it the whole time in that job interview I had.
Wilson: Well, unfortunately, in many societies, women are at a disadvantage, so that subconsciously, or consciously, they flirt in order to level the playing field.
Jill: In other words, you guys own the stadium, and we're the pom-pom girls.
Wilson: Well, I didn't make the rules. I'm just on the winning team.
Jill: The whole thing stinks.
Wilson: Well, I know who would agree with you. Charlotte Whitten, the Canadian feminist. She said that whatever women do, they have to do twice as well as men in order to be thought half as good.
Jill: I don't mind working twice as hard. It's these stupid games I don't want to have to play. And I'm not gonna let myself do it anymore. You men are so lucky you don't have to do that stuff.
Wilson: Well, sometimes we do it anyway.
Jill: Ah, not you, Wilson.
Wilson: Oh, it's true. Whenever I want that special book from Shirley the librarian, I roguishly flash my baby blues... ...and eloquently quote the Greek philosophers. I disgust myself, but I always get the book.

Tim: I've never seen you in that suit. You look hot.
Jill: I don't look hot. I look serious and professional.
Tim: Come on, baby. Spin for daddy.
Jill: What is the matter with you? This is not sexy. I am almost completely covered up.
Tim: That's what's sexy about it. It gets me thinking about what you got covered up.
Jill: Well, maybe I should just wear, you know, a longer skirt.
Tim: Even sexier. Mystery of the unknown.
Jill: I could wear my burgundy pantsuit. That's the most conservative thing I have.
Tim: Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. Nothing turns a man on more than conservative. Remember what a fan I used to be of Barbara Bush?
Jill: You are unbelievable! I should just go to this interview in my ratty old bathrobe and a shower cap.
Tim: The blue one with the ducks on it? Yeah!