Jill: Well, here I am in this whole house full of men. And I'm just disgusted with myself because I've had absolutely no impact on any of them. Do you remember that time that I gave Tim Betty Friedan's book? You know, The Feminine Mystique?
Wilson: Mmm-hmm. I take it he didn't like it?
Jill: He loved it. He used it to level the legs of his workbench.
Wilson: [sighs] Oh, sister, sister, sister.

Al: Hey, Tim. What's up?
Tim: Hey, daddy-o! You know, in 3-D, you got 16 chins.
Al: Oh, no. Don't tell me they bought your idea to do Tool Time in 3-D.
Tim: Not just Tool Time. For one night, every show on the station is gonna be 3-D, right? Knitting With Norm.
Al: No!
Tim: Cooking With Irma.
Al: Oh, that'll be a great ratings grabber. What, we have Irma's fish kabobs flying at the camera?
Tim: All right, so it sounds a little cheesy.
Al: Sounds cheesy?
Tim: All right, it is cheesy! That's what makes it fun. We'll follow in the footsteps of 3-D horror classics, Doctor Fong's House of Chain Gang Cheerleaders. [grunting] Oh, yeah. [Asian accent] Love Doctor Fong!

Jill: Tim... we have a terrible situation here.
Tim: What?
Jill: Brad is letting Angela do his laundry.
Tim: Oh, my God! Whites or colors?
Jill: Do you really not get what's wrong with this picture?
Tim: Same old story, isn't it? Boy meets girl, girl does boy's laundry, and I get yelled at.

Jill: So you agree that Brad shouldn't let Angela do his chores?
Tim: The truth, honey? I think you're making kind of a big deal out of this.
Jill: Learning to treat women as equals is a very big deal.
Tim: The kid's 16-years-old. He's got plenty of time to develop a mature relationship and learn how to play the game.
Jill: "The game."
Tim: I mean, Brad's going to figure out pretty soon that in order to make peace with women, you have to pitch in now and then.
Jill: "To make peace." So that's the only reason that you do anything around here?
Tim: And because I really like it.
Jill: You do not. You're just playing "the game." The important thing is that I help you out.
Jill: "Help me out?"
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Do you have any idea how demeaning that sounds?
Tim: I used to be a lot better at playing this game.

Jill: You're implying that all the housework is... is my responsibility! Except, occasionally, when you grace me with your help!
Tim: I didn't say that. You may do more housework, but I do yard work to help you out. I work on the cars to help you out.
Jill: You work on the cars to help me out?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Well, thank you. Because, you know, my life is gonna be so much easier when the hot rod has six-to-one compression.
Tim: Actually, it'll have eight-to-one.

Jill: Look, Tim, if you don't set a good example for the boys, how are they gonna have healthy relationships with women?
Tim: 'Cause we have a healthy relationship.
Jill: Only if I "force" you to.
Tim: I can't help how I am. Men have a chromosome you women don't have. The "Y" chromosome. As in "Y" do I have to talk about the relationship?
Jill: And "Y" do I have to put up with this?
Tim: You know why? Because men are men. No matter how much you want to do it, you can't turn men into women, it can't be done. Well, it can be. But it's very expensive. And you still end up with an Adam's apple and big hands.

Tim: I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant, Al Borland! [audience cheers, applauds]
Al: Thank you. We have a very special Tool Time for you... [shouting] presented in 3-D!
Tim: Just because it's in 3-D doesn't mean you have to yell at them, Al.
Al: [quietly] Sorry.
Tim: Al is actually a pro at this. You probably remember his old 3-D movies: Beard Man from Alcatraz, Creature from the Flannel Lagoon. In that movie, I cried until I stopped. And, who could forget, It Came from Baskin-Robbins.
Al: Remember, 3-D is just an illusion. In reality, Tim has no depth.

Al: All right, we've already miter-cut our legs, we're ready to bolt them together. Remember, the secret to a tight fit is good notches.
Tim: And for our Tool Time fans south of the border, that's "Buenas notches."

Wilson: Well, neighborette, I have outdone myself. This year my tulips are more gorgeous than ever.
Jill: They are gorgeous. What's your secret?
Wilson: A very good florist.

Brad: So now you're a feminist, too?
Tim: I don't know what I am, but there's stuff in there about relationships that makes a lot sense. When the girl does all the work, it's not a good relationship.
Brad: You're just saying this because you ended up marrying somebody like Mom.
Tim: Excuse me?
Brad: Well, don't get me wrong. I love Mom.
Tim: I didn't "end up" with Mom. I love her. I love her because she's a strong woman.
Brad: You like that she gives you a hard time?
Tim: Yeah. That's what makes it exciting. I keep trying to think of new ways to slip stuff by her... and she's always coming up with new ways to nail me. We're equal partners.
Brad: And you think that's good?
Tim: Well, I don't know. It works for me. But maybe having Angela as your "sandwich girl" works for you. Her whole life is sandwiches. "Make me another sandwich. Sandwich, sandwich! Make another sandwich!"