Tim: Lighten up a bit. Look at the equipment. It's so cool. Two cameras. One shoots at a 45-degree angle. Put the equipment together, tape comes out. Put on the glasses. Ba-da-bing! You're scared half to death.
Al: Well, it'll take a lot more than 3-D to scare Al Borland.
Tim: Really? Put 'em on. I'll show you the tape I did this afternoon.
[Al watches a 3-D video of Tim brandishing a pair of plastic clippers to the camera]
Al: Whoa! It's so real! I can almost feel it!
[When Al turns around and takes off the glasses, Tim is holding up the clippers in Al's face]
Al: [screams]
[Tim grabs Al's nose with the clippers]

Angela: Brad, big news. I pre-soaked your shirt and got out the tomato soup stain.
Randy: Wow, that is big news! When do they start giving out those Nobel prizes?

Jill: Why is Angela doing Brad's laundry?
Mark: She probably wanted something to do after she cleaned his room.
Jill: She cleaned his room too? How long has this been going on?
Randy: I don't know, but she does nice work. You know, I'm gonna ask her if she can give me a Wednesday.
Mark: I wonder if Angela has a younger sister. My closet's a mess.

Jill: Well, I got nowhere. I tried to talk to Brad. He didn't understand what I was saying.
Tim: Well, just keep hammering it into him. Eventually he'll come around to your point of view.
Jill: As opposed to your point of view, which would be?
Tim: Same as yours.

Jill: Tim, this is not about who does more housework. What this has to do with is setting a good example for the boys.
Tim: I think I set a pretty darn good example for the boys, thank you.
Jill: I know. I know you do. It's just that... this is a really pivotal time in their lives, and they need to know that you share the responsibilities with me because you want to be an equal partner.
Tim: I like that. It's good. And it's fine with me if you want to tell them that.
Jill: Don't you think... that it would be better coming from you?
Tim: Something tells me I do.

Tim: I just want you both to know that your mom and I share an equal relationship. We share responsibilities equally.
Randy: What did you do this time?
Tim: What makes you think I did anything?
Randy: Dad, you're a guy. You don't like to talk about relationships.
Tim: Such a sexist attitude. Have you learned nothing from me?
Mark: Did you drop another beam on Mom's car?
Tim: I didn't drop anything on Mom's car!

Mark: Dad, do you really think Angela doing Brad's laundry is such a terrible thing? [Jill walks out into the garden] I mean, if a girl wanted to do my laundry, I wouldn't mind.
Tim: You should mind!
Mark: Why?
Tim: I don't know. It seems to me you got plenty of time to get beaten down.
Mark: What do you mean?
Tim: Well, eventually, it happens to all of us. You meet that special someone who forces you into an equal relationship.
Jill: Excuse me?
Tim: And there's that special someone now.

Tim: All right, it's springtime. Time to think about barbecues. Bring out those fatty foods and that Frisbee.
Al: At the Borland home, spring always began at the picnic table.
Tim: After they were done eating that...
Al: Today we're going to show you how to build a picnic table. Now, remember, your table's dimensions depend on how many people you plan to seat. [swings tape measure at camera]
Both: Whoa... Whoa!
Tim: And, actually, we precut our two-by-six boards to the proper... length! [swings wooden board at camera]
Both: Whoa!
Al: OK. We'll fasten those down with our two-by-four braces using wood screws...
Heidi: And this drill. [swings drill at camera]
Both: Whoa...

Tim: See what we got to eat here. A nice tossed salad for Heidi.
Heidi: Thank you.
Tim: A little fried chicken for me.
Al: And what do you have for me?
Tim: Oh, I know how you like hot dogs. I got one here you'll like ten times as much.
All: Whoa... Whoa... Whoa!

Jill: Where's Brad?
Angela: He's in the garage with his dad looking at the hot rod. I'm making him a sandwich.
Jill: Angela, do you really think that's a good idea?
Angela: Why? Do you think he'd rather have turkey?
Jill: We have to have a talk.
Angela: OK, right when I'm done with the sandwich. You think he'll want fruit? Maybe I'll cut up an orange.
Jill: [sighs] Sister, sister, sister.