Randy: Dad just ruined Thanksgiving for 80,000 people.
Irv Schmayman: I'm gonna grab a yam.
Jill: That's not a yam, Irv.

Tim: Well, how long do you think it'll take to fix this?
Ted: You better hope it's fast, buddy, because every person in this stadium saw what you did.
Tim: Some of them were probably in the bathroom.
Ted: Yeah. Those guys will be real happy.
Tim: Hey, tell you what, let "The Tool Man" get in there. I work great under pressure.
Ted: Oh, no, no, no, you don't. Sit down and don't touch anything. You know, the more I think about it, your toilet flushing button idea stunk.
Tim: You know, I think I understand why your brothers shoved candy corn up your nose.

Jill: My husband is going to be sorry he missed you. Would you consider staying and having Thanksgiving dinner with us?
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, that's very kind of you. I'd love to, you know. When I was a kid I had it rough. I mean, we were poor.
Irv Schmayman: How poor were you?
Rodney Dangerfield: How poor? On Thanksgiving my old man showed us a picture of a turkey. I sat there all day trying to lick the gravy, you know.

Ted: Bad news. If we don't get the lights fixed in 15 minutes, the game is cancelled.
Tim: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I believe one time I saved some time by wiring around the circuit breaker.
Ted: Couldn't that cause the transformer to blow up?
Tim: If memory serves, yes.
Ted: Why don't you go back to your family?
Tim: I'm not gonna walk across the Silverdome in pitch black. There might be some people out there that want my blood.
Ted: I'm aware of that.

Brad: Wow. Look at all these people. You know, this is turning into one heck of a party.
Irv Schmayman: What can I say? In the face of tragedy, I host.
Jill: Mr. Dangerfield, I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but you seem to have some self-esteem issues.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, you can say that again. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
Irv Schmayman: Hey, Rodney, remember our special? You were doing your act, and Aretha Franklin skated out onto the ice.
Rodney Dangerfield: Yeah. And she sang that song to me all about respect.
Jill: Oh, yeah, I taught that song to you guys. You know... [sings] R-E-S-P-E-C- Find out what it means to me
Boys: Sock it to me, sock it to me Sock it to me, sock it to me
Rodney Dangerfield: That's enough "sock it to me", OK? Reminds me of my neighborhood. My neighborhood is tough, are you kidding? There was a kid in school, they said to him, "What comes after a sentence?" He said, "You make an appeal."

Irv Schmayman: So long, Charo. Coochie-coochie. Hey, the lights are back on!
Brad: Yeah, the players are headed back onto the field.
Irv Schmayman: Hey, listen, I got a massage at my hotel in ten minutes. Taylor family, can I be frank? This has been the most moving, enjoyable holiday I have ever had. And that includes Passover with the Tony Curtises.
Jill: [chuckles] Thank you. Thank you.

Jill: Can you believe that this actually happened?
Brad: Oh, yes, that was unbelievable. You know, Jenny told me to call her when I'm 21.
Mark: Yeah, and Irv wants first look at my next screenplay.
Randy: And I'm reconsidering my distaste for conspicuous consumption. Ooh. Dibs on the last truffle.

Tim: And welcome back to Tool Time.
Al: Today we're going to be restoring antique picture frames. Because under an ugly exterior sometimes you can find a true beauty.
Tim: [chuckles] That's not the case... Oh, never mind. OK, Al. And to help us out today we have a very special guest. The Grand Marshal of the Great American Parade. He doesn't like me too much, but evidently, he likes Tool Time a lot. That's why he's here. Let's give a warm welcome - can you believe it - to Rodney Dangerfield.
Rodney Dangerfield: [to Heidi] Here, honey. Buy the rest of that dress, will ya?
Tim: Over here, Rodney.
Rodney Dangerfield: Ooh, could she break up a happy home.

Jill: I don't believe it. There is a TV in the bathroom.
Tim: That's so you won't miss a minute of the excitement.
Jill: Or in your case, 45 minutes.

Irv Schmayman: Sorry I'm late. I ran into Harry Belafonte at the V.I.P. elevator. What a chatterbox.
Tim: I'm sorry. You would be?
Irv Schmayman: Irv Schmayman. Major television producer. And you are?
Tim: Tim Taylor, major television star.
Irv Schmayman: Taylor.
Tim: Yeah.
Irv Schmayman: Never heard of you.
Tim: Well, Mr. Schmayman, maybe you have the wrong booth.
Irv Schmayman: Box 12. The Lions front office set me up.
Jill: Tim, didn't you say this booth was just gonna be for our family?
Irv Schmayman: Hey, we are all in the entertainment family. All part of the business I like to call, "Show."
Tim: Well, Irv, this is my wife, Jill and these are my boys, Randy, Brad and Mark.
Irv Schmayman: Irv Schmayman. Hollywood legend. Here's my card. Pass it around, kid.
Jill: Well, so much for our family Thanksgiving.
Tim: Honey, it's just one Schmayman.