Tim: Well! I guess that finishes up our cooking portion of our salute to a man's Thanksgiving. A point to ponder: when you baste the turkey in cognac, you want to keep the bird away from the open flame.
Al: Otherwise your Butterball will become a fireball.
Tim: Pretty obvious, isn't it? [chuckles] Now it's time to look at some of the things we men should be thankful for. And this, of course, would be number one: women. Our mothers, our co-workers, our family members, our sisters. They deserve a lot of appreciation.
Heidi: Wow. Thank you, Tim.
Tim: You're welcome. Now, get lost. It's a man's segment.

Tim: OK, Al. Well, you're sort of a man. What are you thankful for?
Al: Well, Tim, I'm thankful for the tool I carry with me always.
Tim: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Al! It's a family show!
Al: I'm talking about my Swiss Army knife. I would feel naked without it.
Tim: Ew.

Jill: Wilson, I thought that you and Willow were going to Ann Arbor for Thanksgiving.
Wilson: Well, we're gonna leave as soon as I finish making my feng shui home protection tool.
Jill: How does that work?
Wilson: Well, Jill, the horizontal flute is the guardian of hopes and desires. And the two angled flutes radiate peace throughout the house and the universe.
Jill: What do the red tassels do?
Wilson: They scare away squirrels.

Randy: Would you look at all this food? Do you know how many needy families it could have fed on Thanksgiving? Ooh. Crab puffs.

Irv Schmayman: Girls? These are my personal assistants, Jenny and Cindy. They're going to be joining us for Thanksgiving.
Brad: Now I've got something to be thankful for.

Tim: All right, Lions won!
Jill: The game just started.
Tim: No, they won the coin toss.
Irv Schmayman: You know, the holiday season always reminds me of my Helen Reddy special, Reddy or Not, It's Christmas. It was a ratings volcano.
Tim: Are you guys gonna watch the game or chat?
Irv Schmayman: Whoa, relax, Timski. I've got friends at the network. I'll get you a tape.

Irv Schmayman: So, finally, I tell the network, "Hey, look, you've got a great idea. But the show needs a twist. You want funny? Make the nun fly."
Jill: If your father doesn't get back soon I'm gonna have to kill him.
Randy: Dad or Schmayman?
Jill: Whoever's closest.

Irv Schmayman: I've been so blessed. I have this superhuman feel for what's funny. Pants are funny. Pork is funny. Fish are funny.
Jill: I think I might vomit.
Irv Schmayman: Vomit, big funny.

Tim: Ted, I can't thank you enough.
Ted: If I can put a smile on "The Tool Man's" face, my dream has come true.
Tim: Ha, ha. You really mean that?
Ted: No, I'm just being a good host. Before you go back to your family, I have one more surprise for you.
Tim: I don't think my heart can take it. Let me guess. An autographed copy of the building permit.
Ted: Hey, I'm a liaison. I'm not God. Smile, "Tool Man". You're on Jumbo Vision.

Brad: That is one beautiful turkey.
Irv Schmayman: You know, I pitched a series to CBS about a talking turkey. They told me to stuff it. [laughing] [picks up a drumstick] Hello! Is this thing on?
Jill: This is a nightmare.