Tim: Sorry about that, guy. Try some Merthiolate or Mercurochrome. It'll help out.
[A crew member with an arrow in his back wheels away the weapons display]

Tim: Welcome back to our Tool Time salute... [belch sound effect]
Both: To men!
Tim: Continuing our show about everything that men like, we've got a display you're gonna love. And our guests are the authors of the mucho macho book...
Al: The Big Damn Book of Sheer Manliness!
Tim: Heidi? Nice pelt. Okay, let's bring out our authors of the book, Brant and Todd, the Von Hoffman brothers.

Todd Von Hoffmann: I'm Todd.
Tim: I'm Tim.
Heidi: I'm Heidi.
Todd Von Hoffmann: I'm single.
Heidi: I'm not surprised.

Todd Von Hoffmann: Quick testosterone quiz. Man's best friend...
Al: His mother.
Tim: It's his dog, you big nellie.
Brant Von Hoffmann: Harsh words coming from a military man in tasseled loafers.
Al: Yeah, you big... Boss.

Todd Von Hoffmann: Favorite guy movie.
Brant Von Hoffmann: True Grit? Spartacus?
Tim: Oh, yeah...
Al: My Fair Lady.
Tim: My Fair Lady?
Al: Yes.
Todd Von Hoffmann: What's wrong with My Fair Lady? It's a great movie.
Al, Todd & Brant: "Why Can't a Woman be More Like a Man?"
Tim: Because surgery's too expensive.

Tim: Come on. Let's get to the meat and potatoes of this show. What's the manliest meal a man can fix?
All: Chili.
Tim: You're darn tooting. Heidi?
Todd Von Hoffmann: And speaking of tooting... Today we're gonna show you how to make our special three-alarm colon cleaner.
Tim: All right, guys. What do we do first?
Brant Von Hoffmann: Well, first we've already browned up a couple of pounds of meat. Now, we know you like beef.
Tim: [grunts] I love beef. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Brant Von Hoffmann: Well, we prefer rattlesnake. But today we're going with Al's favorite...
Al: Lean stewing turkey.
Brant Von Hoffmann: That's right. Now, while that's simmering, you want to add two cans of chopped, peeled tomatoes and a bottle of your favorite brew.
Todd Von Hoffmann: And, of course, there's always a debate about whether or not beans should be added.
Tim: Actually, the debate begins two hours after you've added the beans.

Tim: Let me guess. You're reading the footnotes?
Brad: Yeah, that's very funny. I'm doing physical therapy for soccer. I gotta put some weight on my knees.
Tim: Have you tried standing up?
Brad: Here, take that. All right. Come on, Dad. Lean on me.
Tim: You ready for this?
Brad: Oh, yes. All right, buddy. Okay, go.
Jill: [enters] What do they call that? Jerk du Soleil?
Tim: I tell you, this kid's getting strong. Pretty soon he'll be able to lift you.
Jill: Very funny. Ha! Ha!

Tim: So, how was your day, baby?
Jill: Well, I handed in my thesis to Dr. Hanover.
Tim: Congratulations! You must feel fantastic!
Jill: No. What? Are you kidding? I have to defend my paper now in front of this whole thesis committee. [Mark walks in with his video camera] And maybe I won't know the material. Maybe I won't be able to answer their questions. Maybe my whole career will go into a downward spiral.
Tim: Maybe you should see a therapist. Oh, that's right. You are one. Say hello.
Jill: Oh, Mark! When are you gonna stop this family documentary thing?
Mark: I'm just getting some last-minute shots. The class is showing our films a week from Friday.
Tim: Great! Now I can make a fool out of myself in front of a whole classroom.

Mark: What's going on?
Gregory: Mark, I'm having an anxiety attack about my film. It's like... It's like Antonio Banderas is doing the lambada on my liver.
Mark: I'll see what I can do about it. Mom, Dad, this is Gregory. He's in my film class.
Jill: Hi.
Tim: Hello, Gregory. Tim Taylor.
Gregory: I'd shake your hands, but human contact makes me queasy.

Tim: Our film student's over there talking to that boy in the corner.
Jill: Yeah, that's poor Gregory Winston. You know, talk about a psychological case study. I'd really like to meet his parents.
Dr. Hanover: Well, you'll have to settle for the father. How do you do? He's my stepson. I'm well aware that Gregory has issues. But in the future, you might not want to be so quick to share your diagnoses. I'll see you tomorrow morning, 9:00 a.m. sharp.
[Brad stifles a laugh]
Tim: Good one. [chuckles]